


Ghost of You

by Thatskasterborous



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Ancient spell, Canon Divergence - Thor: The Dark World, Discovering the past, F/M, Magic, Mystery, Romance, house arrest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2020-11-08 06:11:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 75,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20830697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatskasterborous/pseuds/Thatskasterborous
Summary: Loki has been under house arrest ever since he was captured at the end of Avengers. Wiling away his days in his own chambers. Now, due to his 'good behaviour' he is finally being allowed access to more parts of the castle. His new found freedom leads to him discovering an ancient spell. A spell that can unveil the past. Loki originally planned to use it to his advantage and gain intel on the people of Asgard. However, what he unveils may just be his undoing





	1. Ties that bind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I came up with this fic while listening to Ghost of you-5SOS on repeat. I hope you enjoy it.  
This is actually part of an Original work that I'm writing but I thought that it matched Loki pretty well. If you see the wrong name then that might be why lol.
> 
> This is predominantly a Loki/OC fic. I know some people don't like that so this is your warning.

Night was rapidly falling outside the palace. The stars-that shone whether or not it was night or day-became brighter. More visible against the backdrop of deep space that surrounded them. A plethora of colour swathed the sky. Like an artists canvas awash with swirling clouds of paint. Clashing colours blended together seamlessly. Inspiring awe in whoever looked upon it. The truly astonishing sight could only belong to the great realm of Asgard. Home to the Aesir.

However, there were no windows from which to view such a spectacle in the place Loki now resided. The only way he even knew that night had fallen was by the changing of the sconces along the walls. In the day the flames flared bright and white. The light meaning to be reminiscent of the sunlight that lay beyond its reach. As the day wore on the flames would dim. Until finally transitioning to a light blue. The colour was considered less harsh on the eyes and would not blind you when you left your rooms in the night.

Loki thought it was pointless. They were Gods after all; a little bright light should not really be that much of a hinderance. Yet the residents of the palace still insisted upon them. They were all pathetic if you asked him. Not that anyone ever did. These days most people avoided him completely. Skirting around him for fear that he would turn his ire towards them. He may not be able to physically hurt them but he could still find ways to ruin their day if they tested his patience.

The torches along the walls were growing bluer by the second. Signalling to Loki that it was time for action. He drifted down the golden corridor. The floors were carved with great swirling designs. Spirals that interweaved with one another. Some depicted sprawling leaves and flowers. While others were impressive beasts. A standard fixture across most of the palace. 

On the walls hung an assortment of paintings and tapestries. Most showcasing heroic deeds performed by one Asgardian or another throughout the years. Defeating towering beasts or fight off army hoards. Loki wrinkled his nose at them and sneered.  _ What a terrible excuse for decoration.  _ On more than one he could see that the enemy had distinctively blue skin. It was like the palace itself was trying to show him how much he didn’t belong there. Not amongst the ‘great’ heroes of Asgard. 

Ignoring the flare of anger in his stomach, Loki continued on. The Einherjar paid him no mind as he slipped passed them. Mainly because at that moment he was invisible to them. He may not be in possession of his full power but he still had a trick or two up his sleeve. The spell itself rendered him less invisible and more unnoticeable. When the guards would peer in his direction their gaze would simply slide over him. As if he was not in front of them. However, if he drew too much attention-either by making too much noise or bumping into them- then the illusion would break and they would be able to see him again.

His house arrest did actually extend to this corridor. If the guards were to see him here they would not be too concerned. They would still watch him warily but they would not go much further than that. However he preferred not to have an audience for what he was about to attempt. If they saw him do what he intended to they would not hesitate to capture him and drag him before the King. It wasn’t exactly within the realms of his sentence after all.

Loki reached the junction of the long corridor. Which forked into left and right. He physically could not go any further. If anyone else were to walk this way they would do so unhindered. Not even blinking an eye or feeling anything amiss. On the other hand if he were to try he would not get very far.

An invisible barrier lay before him. To the untrained eye there was no difference between this entryway and any other. However, Loki had been taught to look deeper. To see the tendrils of magic that floated on the air. When he willed his sight to see the magic he saw the air change.

A golden sheen now covered the entryway. Shimmering faintly, like tiny motes of glitter were catching the light. It reached from wall to wall. Ceiling to floor. No gaps to be found. Within the glittering expanse lay several runes. Floating in the air.

The same runes were also firmly attached to his wrists. Cuffs, made out of a thin metal, encircled both of his wrists. Bright silver in colour. Much to Loki’s chagrin. He may have been called silvertongue but it was decidedly not his colour. There was no seam to be found and they would not budge. The only person who could remove them were the ones who put them there in the first place. Runes were carved along the edges of the metal. Linking him to the barrier. It was this spell work that prevented him from going any further. Created by Odin’s own hand.

Loki grimaced at the barrier before him. The darn thing had been a pain in his side ever since he had been placed under arrest. That was over a year ago. After his failed attempt to take over Midgard for the Mad Titan, he had been brought before the mighty allfather to receive his judgement. He had been certain that he would spend the rest of his days sequestered in the dungeons far below. Never to see the light of day. 

The strange thing was that Loki had not minded the idea all that much. In fact he yearned for it to be the case. Then again, if you were acquainted with Thanos then you would definitely understand. He had just failed the task that Thanos had set out for him. Spending his days locked in a cell would be infinitely better than facing that Titan’s wrath.

He had suffered immensely under Thanos’s ‘ _ kindness’ _ . Both physically and mentally. Thanos had often wrought torture upon him. Using his ‘children’ to inflict as much pain as possible. The worst culprit being Ebony Maw. He relished in the deliverance of pain. Producing vile creations with his telekinesis to mutilate Loki. Tearing flesh from his body. Breaking his bones. If it wasn’t for his superior healing capabilities he would surely be dead. 

Thanos told him that it was all to make him stronger. So that he could do what needed to be done. To create a better universe. 

The mind stone had also come into play on occasion. Tearing into his mind. Manipulating his thoughts. It seeked to uproot his sanity and leave him at the mercy of his captors. In doing so Loki had been unable to differentiate between his own memories and fabricated ones. Thanos conjured images so twisted it could have only come from the mind of a madman.It reached a point that he could not trust his own mind. All he felt was a near constant rage. A rage that Thanos had used to his own advantage.

However, that did not mean that Loki had been entirely at the will of the Titan. He still possessed enough of his mental capabilities to plot against Thanos. All it took was to act as if he was following his plans only to inconveniently lose. If his heart had truly been in it then he would not have been stupid enough to enrage Midgard’s protectors. The so-called Avengers. 

His plans could have been fulfilled before anyone had noticed. Yet he purposely made a spectacle. One which demanded attention. Midgard reacted, like he knew they would, and they ‘stopped’ him before he could accomplish his task. That way Loki could escape from the Titan’s clutches and Thanos would not know that he had betrayed him. 

So yes, at the time of his capture by Thor he had been all too willing to slip into a cell. To forget the world around him. As long as he was far away from those that would seek to destroy him.

Loki had been dragged before the Allfather-chained up like some dog-completely expecting to be locked away. However, it did not play out that way at all. He had expected to be hauled out into the throne room. Put on display for the whole Kingdom to ridicule. Instead he was led into Odin’s personal study rooms. The ones that the Allfather used to perform his menial Kingly duties. Only a small number of people had been present. Odin, Frigga, Thor and Tyr. Along with the Einherjar that guarded over him of course.

Tyr was Odin’s right hand man and lorded over everything judicial. Ensuring that the law was followed and justice was served. He was the lawgiver of the gods afterall. A fair man who was fiercely loyal. The God of war and law had the biggest respect for authority and strictly adhered to the rules. As the god of mischief, Loki had been on his bad side more than once.

Even so, Loki had never outwardly hated the man. Quite the opposite in fact. As he was one of the few generals that took his advice about war strategies. Most of the others had sneered at the mere suggestion of espionage. Yet Tyr had considered it with seriousness. He understood, far more than others, that war is not only won on the battlefield. As such he had earned Loki’s respect throughout the years he had known him. Not that Loki would ever tell him that. Especially not now.

In the study, Odin stood in the middle of the room. With everyone else flocking around him like flies. Odin had looked him in the eyes and berated him for all of his wrongdoings. Cutting into Loki with his words. On the outside Loki merely smirked and laughed it off, which only seemed to irritate the Allfather more. However, on the inside, Odin’s words cut him to the bone. Like the lash of a whip.

Just when he thought that Odin was going to lock him up, he had turned to Frigga. Whose eyes implored the Allfather in an unspoken way. Odin let out a long suffering sigh and turned back towards Loki.

“I have decided to be merciful” Loki had not even tried to suppress a snort “You are not to be thrown in the dungeons. Though will be confined to a small area of the castle.”

Loki was so taken aback that he barely concealed the surprise on his face. 

The cuffs were then firmly sealed around his wrists and his seiðr was bound. Not all of his seiðr was bound however. That would be considered abominable. Even Odin would hesitate before doing that to someone. Magic was so intrinsic to who you were that binding it would be like removing a limb. He still had some of his power but it had been greatly diminished by the manacles he wore. What he had left was still more than what most people had, though.

Loki was now under what most Midgardians would call house arrest. He had been restricted to the royal chambers-excluding the Allfather’s room, for obvious reasons. Along with the odd drawing room and balcony. It was a rather small area but a year ago it was more freedom than Loki had even dreamed of. He had relished it. 

Not that he had let anyone know this. No, to everyone else he only showed scorn and hate. It’s only what they would have done to him after all. Asgard’s people had never accepted him before and they certainly wouldn’t now. He was going to show that he despised them just as much before they ever got the chance.

He had spent the past year recovering from his ordeal with Thanos. Now that he was finally away from the Mad Titan, as well as from the influence of the mind stone, he had been able to heal his troubled mind. To sort through all his true emotions and ones that he was forced to feel. It had been an arduous process but Loki finally felt like his head was clearer than it had been since he had thrown himself from the Bifrost.

It also meant that he was no longer content to wile away his days in his chambers. What had been perfect for him when he arrived had now turned into his own torture. Quite frankly, he was bored beyond measure. He needed to get away from these blasted walls before he truly lost his mind.

That’s what brought him to one of the barriers in the middle of the night. For the past few months he had been devising ways to escape his confines. At first he had attempted to break the spells on the cuffs. For if he broke those then he wouldn’t have to bother with much else and could slip out of his prison with ease. Though it was easier said than done. More impossible really. 

While there were runes carved along the bands they were not the only spells at work. Multiple layers of magic interlocked together within the cuffs. They were tied to his own seiðr as well as the world around him. Some of the spells even he could not detect. Odin was a master spellmaker after all. Without knowing all of the spells placed on them, cancelling one rune out could cause a chain reaction that resulted in some serious damage. He would not risk it.

Cancelling out the barrier, however, was completely different. It was only linked to the cuffs and not directly to him. If he performed something incorrectly on the barrier it was less likely to cause him serious bodily harm. Well that was the theory anyway.

Looking around he made sure that there was no one to witness his attempt. The last Einherjar had walked through around 5 minutes ago. Which left him around 15 minutes before the next set of guards would be sent to walk through. Plenty of time to achieve his goal.

With a wave of his hand the runes, that had been floating around aimlessly, rearranged themselves. They were now set in neat, rigid rows. Tied together with thick strands of gold. The order hinted at what spell had been used to conjure it. Loki quickly got to work with unpicking certain runes. Unthreading them like loose strands from a tapestry. Once he picked them, he ground them beneath his fingers. Using a small amount of magic to render them into dust. Someone would have to physically replace the runes to re-establish the barriers hold.

Once he removed what he perceived to be the last key rune, the remaining ones flew back to where they had been before. Listing gently around the air. If Loki’s reasoning was correct, the barrier would no longer recognise him and he would be able to slip past it. Steeling himself, he took one step forward.

And immediately regretted it. 

The reaction was instantaneous. Fiery, forceful and, above all, painful. The runes on his wrists glowed a bright gold. The same light shooting through the barrier. Making it momentarily visible to the naked eye, before fading just as quickly. A burning sensation travelled up his arms and coursed through his blood stream. Like fire had been poured in his veins. 

“Fuck!” he exclaimed, stumbling backwards

As soon as he was no longer under the barrier the pain subsided. His breath still came out in strained rasps however. He bent over, with his hands resting on his knees, until he recovered.

The blasted things used his own magic against him. Like an auto-immune response, it started to attack him instead. With his magic bound it wasn’t as painful but it still packed a punch. Though, it seemed that toying with the barrier had amped up the pain quite a bit. It wasn’t usually so all-consuming 

_ Well that was a week of solid research down the drain,  _ he thought. He had been so certain he had got it right this time. It must have had a backup for if it was tampered with. 

He let his magical sight slip back over his eyes and he barely suppressed a groan. All the runes he had painstakingly removed had returned. This time glowing brighter than those around it. As if they were shiny and new.

The runes had been regenerated. They didn’t need someone to re-establish them. That should not have been possible. Runes cannot be self-regenerating; they need an external magic source to create them. Loki straightened back up, his jaw hard set. His gaze drifted down to the cuffs around his wrist and then to the barrier. 

He swore with sudden clarity. “Oh you clever bastard” he whispered to himself.

As much as he despised Odin he had to give credit where it was due. The man had somehow tuned the cuffs to produce whatever runes were needed. When they glowed, it wasn’t just his magic reacting. It must have also been recreating the runes that were missing. Like an atom releasing an electron. Reinforcing the barrier. That way, if the barrier had degraded with time, the cuffs would automatically update the runes. No need for Odin to get his hands dirty a second time.The worst part was that it was using Loki’s own magic to do so.

So in actual fact he had been completely successful in disabling it. However, as soon as his wrists had touched it it had been re-enabled. So long as his own magic was supplying the cuffs he would not be able to permeate the barrier. As far as he could tell there was no way around it.

_ Well fuck. _

* * *

“How are you, darling?” asked Frigga around her cup of tea.

Breakfast was spread out across a small table. A selection of meats and cheeses, pastries and breads. A fare suitable for royalty. 

They were sat in one of Frigga’s personal rooms. It was open and airy. Covered from floor to ceiling with all of the Queen’s own artwork and tapestries. Doors, to a large balcony, lay open and let a gentle breeze float through. It had been one of his favourite rooms as a child. Where his mother would show him her paintings or teach him an act of sorcery. It had been a sanctum away from the judgement of others.

Now it felt more like a memory of what he had lost. As well as being part of the terms of his imprisonment. 

Frigga- for he had refused to call her mother no matter how much her hurt threatened to cut him- had told Odin that as part of his sentence he had to spend time with her. Whether it be for breakfast or some other part of the day. 

It hurt Loki to see her. The woman that had raised him. Who had been one of his only confidants. One of the only people he had felt truly loved by. And it had been a lie the whole time. Was any of it real? Or had it all been the devising of a manipulative King. He struggled to reconcile that concept with the woman he knew. So having to see her everyday only made it harder for Loki to bear. He desperately wished that they could go back to how they were. But they both knew that that was no longer possible.

“I’m fine” Loki grumbled.

So far he had not eaten a single bite. In fact never did when he was forced to dine with her. Much to Frigga’s displeasure. Sticking to drinking the mead in his goblet instead. If Frigga disapproved of his choice of breakfast beverage she made no indication. 

“You just seem rather tense is all” said Frigga, placing her tea back down.

Loki scoffed. You could say that again. He had been so maddened by his revelation the previous night that he had stormed back to his rooms. Many a piece of furniture now lay broken across his floor. They could be fixed with a flick of his wrist but he refused to do so out of principle. Sleep had also evaded him as his annoyance grew. Leaving him exceedingly irritable right now.

“Maybe I would be less tense if I wasn’t confined to a dark corner like some wayward beast” said Loki, letting his irritability be known before he could stop himself, “Or if I could choose my own reading material. I’m not a child, I don’t need some tight laced scholar deciding what I can and can’t read”

Losing access to the library had been one of the biggest blows. It had been  _ his  _ place. Throughout the years it had been one of his greatest forms of comfort. When everyone else had left him out of their games he had gone there.

Frigga didn’t bat an eye at his rant. Instead she gave him a small smile. Loki narrowed his eyes, becoming suspicious of her reaction.

“You are right, Loki” she said.

“I am?” Loki raised an eyebrow.

Frigga reached over to place a hand over Loki’s. He pulled away before she could touch his skin. Leaving his hand in his lap so that she could not reach it. Her hand hovered in the air for a moment before setting down on the table in front of him. A sad smile curled the edges of her lips. Loki reacted the same way every time she tried to touch him. Yet she still tried none the less.

He tried to convince himself that it was because he didn’t deem her worthy of touching him. That she had lost her right to do so. It is what he had convinced everyone. But deep down he knew it wasn’t true. Fear is what drove him away more than anything. Ever since he found out about his Jotun heritage, a fear had rooted itself deep into his mind. That his skin was tainted and that he could cause harm to anyone he touched. Ever since he had seen his true form he had refused to let anyone touch his skin.

“Your father had decided..”

“He is not my father” Loki cut in.

Frigga blinked at the interruption. The only indication that she was affected by his words. “Nevertheless, he has decided that due to your good behaviour you should be allowed to access more of the palace”

Loki stilled, absorbing the news. The term ‘good behaviour’ was laughable. If you called not actively plotting against the King good behaviour, then yes he had been  _ good _ . He sat back so that he could assess Frigga’s face, looking for any falsehoods. “You’re serious?” his voice sounded bored, not betraying how excited he truly felt at the prospect of leaving these accursed halls.

“Yes, Loki. By tomorrow you shall be allowed access to most of the top levels of the palace. Along with the training grounds and the great hall. The gardens and anything outside of the palace walls are still restricted however”

Loki felt like he was walking on air. He could not believe it. Could it possibly be a trick? To fool him into doing something idiotic. As a way to teach him some lesson.

No. That wasn’t Frigga’s style. She preferred that people were completely aware of the lesson they were supposed to be learning. Otherwise she feared that they would take away the wrong message. Which Loki often tried to do, if only to wind someone up.

If that was the case then the offer actually seemed genuine. Things seemed to finally be looking up for him. As if not 12 hours ago he had been attempting to break out. If something had gone wrong then it would have compromised this new tentative freedom. Thankfully, Odin must not have known about his attempted escape or he certainly wouldn’t be receiving this offer. The absurdity made Loki want to laugh.

“You say this was Odin’s decision?” Loki asked skeptically. If Odin had had his way he would probably be in the dungeons right now. Not sipping mead in the palace.

“Yes, I’ve found that he can make a lot of good decisions when pointed in the right direction” said Frigga, taking another sip of her tea.


	2. Hello, welcome home

Being able to step beyond the royal chambers was nothing short of euphoric. Just the simple change of scenery could do wonders for the mind. He skipped out of his chambers that morning with a bounce in his step. Scaring one maidservant half to death as he nearly bounded into her. She dropped all of the clean linens she had been carrying onto the floor.

Too excited to feign indifference, Loki flicked his wrist and the garments reassembled themselves in the maids arms. He did not wait around to see her reaction. If he did, he would have found a blush and a rushed ‘Thank you, your majesty’. Not at all like the sneer or the fear he expected to be present on everyone’s face whenever he was around.

Once he reached the barrier he had come across the other night, he hesitated slightly. The memory of the pain was still burning quite fresh in his mind. This was the moment of truth to see whether Odin had kept his word. He willed his sight to see magic. Only to come across…

Nothing.

Blissfully, empty air. Not a single errant rune or strand of magic to be seen. Loki let out an ecstatic laugh. Even going so far as to wink at the passing Einherjar as he slipped through the corridor. He did not care what they thought of his behaviour.

His steps echoed through the halls as he flitted through the castle. Seeing more people than he had in months. Servants and guards, Lords and Ladies all skirted around him. Continuing on, in the dance of Asgardian court life. A life that Loki no longer felt a part of. They were all a part of something  _ other _ . Something Loki was now a stranger to.

He tried not to let his mind cloud with the self-deprecating thoughts. Instead he set about meandering around the palace. Figuring out just where his freedom lay. His eyes had caught the familiar golden glow of barriers on occasion. Blocking off his access to the gardens and the palace catacombs. The only outside privileges he was granted was in the training grounds. That was more than likely due to the sheer amount of guards present there at all times. The gardens were less supervised so he wasn’t allowed in them. Though what nefarious plans he could come up with in a garden Loki did not know.

The Great Library was the place he was most excited to revisit. A place he could relax in relative solitude. Finally able to peruse the books at his own leisure. Perhaps he could find something that would chip away at his pervasive boredom. If he was lucky he could find something that could benefit his situation.

Archways lined the entire front of the library. Towering above the ground, at least 50ft up. The columns were made of polished, white stone and carved with familiar knot patterns. If he let his sight drift across the entryways he would find a similar barrier to the ones that kept him in the palace. Except these ones were not the same. 

Each person’s seiðr had a specific feel to it. As well as a signature colour. Not all magic emitted a golden glow like Odin’s did. His own was a rather distinctive shade of green. The same shade that he liked to dress himself with. In fact it was considered a fashion trend to emulate your wardrobe with the shade of your seiðr. At least among sorcerers circles. Though many Asgardians tended to drift to certain colours without ever really knowing any magic. Loki was certain that if Thor ever performed a spell his seiðr would definitely be red. It would be too much of a strange coincidence otherwise.

The barriers to the library were a plethora of colours. Magic and spellwork of hundreds of scholars throughout the centuries. Each time the runes were updated the magic would shift and change. Becoming something slightly different each time. Like a broom that had had several new heads and handles. The general shape was the same but it was no longer the same broom you started with. It was a fascinating kind of magic.

The reason it was there was not to keep people out however. It was more about keeping things in. Each book, scroll and tome had been stamped with a spell by one of the library scholars. It worked in a similar way to the cuffs on his wrists. If you attempted to pass the books through the barrier without having checked it out, they would be physically unable to. As if the books had hit a solid wall. An alarm would then sound and you would be swarmed by several angry scholars.

Obviously he knew this from experience. He had been around 15 when he had attempted it. Thor had left him to go consort with his own friends, leaving him to his own devices. As he was a rather lonesome child he had attempted to find his own entertainment. Said entertainment being to piss off every scholar in the library. It had worked like a charm. Loki had managed to rig a book up to the top of the library barrier. Setting off all the alarms. He then hid the book from sight and watched the chaos unfold. It amazed him that he had managed to do it all by himself. 

Loki stepped through the archway and into the library beyond. Nothing barred his entrance. No barrier or pain. He simply glided in unhindered. A faint whisper of magic blew across his skin as he walked through. Only someone who was very in tune with magic would even be able to sense it. Usually you couldn’t sense magic unless you really tried. However, due to the amount concentrated in one area, it made its presence known.

Loki breathed in deeply. Inhaling the familiar smell of paper and ink. He closed his eyes briefly and sighed contentedly down his nose. It felt good to be back. No one paid him much mind as they went about their own business. Just the way he liked it.

Shelves towered above him, full to the brim with texts. The library had different levels with spiral staircases leading up to the higher ones. Domed arch ways led into other sections of the library. The ones worth looking at were tucked further back. Along with a nook that Loki had carved himself over the years. It had been fitted out with a luxurious seating area and a huge window to view the kingdom. He had even warded the area so that no one else could get to it. 

If anyone else had tried to create such a thing then Asmund, the head librarian, would have had an aneurysm. But he had been a prince, he could get away with nearly anything. Though that had been a long time ago. A part of Loki was concerned about what had happened to his little sanctuary. Now that the truth of his identity was out, he was less likely to get away with things anymore.

“Well look who let the  _ beast _ out of its cage” came a nasally voice from somewhere to his left.

Loki’s lip curled over his teeth as he turned to the owner of the voice. An anger, so violent, ripped through him as he saw who it was. The man stood quite tall, only an inch or two shorter than Loki was. His build was considerably skinnier than the typical Asgardian. Limp brown hair lay just above his shoulders. Very expensive robes covered the man’s torso. Black with a hint of charcoal grey stitching. Showing off his richness. The only quality the man seemed to possess.

Dýr son of Tyr.

The similarities stopped with their names. He was the complete opposite of Tyr in every way that mattered. Where Tyr was strong, Dýr was weak. Where Tyr was just, Dýr was deceitful. He was not a warrior and preferred books to most everything else. He even dabbled in sorcery on occasion. On the surface it would seem that they had so much in common with one another. In a different world, the two of them would have probably been friends. Yet the truth was starkly different.

Dýr was a cruel, malevolent man and had been since he was a boy. He relished in the suffering of others. Finding a sick delight in their pain. A trait that reminded him more of a child of Thanos than a child of Asgard.

Loki’s magic was screaming at him to lash out at the poor excuse of a man. To tear him apart limb from limb. A reaction that Loki was completely used to feeling around Dýr. Though if you asked him why, he could not say. It was just an instant, visceral reaction. He simply despised the man with his whole being. Perhaps even more than he did Odin and that was saying something. 

However, as much as he wanted to eviscerate the man in front of him, he couldn’t. If Loki performed a spell with the intention of harming another then the cuffs would spark up and send a shock through his body. Another little trick Odin had devised for his imprisonment. 

Technically he could still punch his smug face but he would rather not get his hands dirty.

“If it had been my decision I know exactly how I’d deal with a beast like you” spat Dýr.

Loki forced himself to smirk nonchalantly at the man in front of him. “Oh, if you dealt with me like you would a beast then I would have nothing to fear. We all know just how atrocious you are at hunting. Even the little girls who hid in their mother’s skirts had done better than you”

Loki wasn’t even embellishing. There had been many times when the older boy had been forced to accompany Thor and him on some hunting trip. Dýr had never managed to down a single animal without help. Whenever he would miss he would take it out on the servant he had brought along with him. One time he beat the poor servant black and blue. He did it where no one had seen him. Otherwise Thor and Loki would have shown Dýr the same treatment. 

Dýr’s face scrunched up as if he had tasted something most unpleasant. Making his face remarkably even more ugly. “H.How  _ dare  _ you speak to me like that you Jotun filth”

“Oh no did I strike a nerve,” said Loki with false sincerity, his hands folding over his heart. Loki’s eyes roved over Dýr’s form as if he were nothing more than a speck of dirt. “How Lord Tyr must feel having such a disgrace for a son. Weak and pathetic. Even I have accomplished more than you and I’m, as you say, ‘Jotun filth’” 

Loki practically spat the words in Dýr’s face. Dýr went on one hell of a facial journey. He went so red that Loki was sure he had damaged blood vessels. Then without uttering another word he hauled his way out of the library. Making sure to crash into Loki’s shoulder on the way. The man was absolutely terrible at concealing his feelings. Always too shocked when things didn’t go his way. All in all he was a petulant, egotistical, manchild.

The knuckles on his hands went white as he clenched his fists at his side. His teeth ground together almost painfully. He closed his eyes for a brief moment. White, hot anger curled in his core. Like a vicious serpent wanting to lash out at anything in it path. It’s not like he had not expected to be received in such a way. Yet expecting it and actually experiencing it are two different things. He hated Dýr along with everyone else who deemed him lesser. This was just the beginning. Now that he would see more of the palace he was bound to receive his fair share of insults.

_ Why today of all days?  _ He had evaded the bastard successfully for the past few years. Now he had to deal with him on what had started off as a good day.

He opened his eyes back up. The people around, who had paused briefly to stare, now conveniently had other places to look. Which benefited them because Loki would not have been able to hold back an insult if he saw someone looking his way. His anger still needed an output.

He was not going to stand there while anyone insulted him. In fact, he could still make Dýr pay for his comments without breaching the terms of his imprisonment. With a wave of his hand, a small side table next to him dissolved into a swarm of spiders. All piling on top of one another in a rather jarring collection of spindly legs and pincers. A few yelps of surprise sounded as the arachnids fled the room. 

Dýr had been terrified of insects when he was younger. One time he and Thor slipped an Alfir scorpion into his bedroll. Those things were huge, around the size of a handspan. They were also nearly completely docile and would not harm anything bigger than a mouse. Dýr however had still ran for the hills screaming. It was hilarious. 

He would definitely not react too fondly to his new ‘friends’. Yet in Loki’s mind that is exactly what they were. Friends for Dýr to get acquainted with. That way the cuffs did not register his spell as harmful to others and his magic flowed freely. 

Oh the joy of loopholes.

A loud and quite high pitched scream, was enough indication that his plan had gone swimmingly. Hopefully the bastard would think twice before crossing him again.

Loki school his expression into one more neutral. He was not going to let one bad encounter spoil the rest of his day. Not when he had a whole library at his disposal. Shaking his head slightly, he began to walk to one of the archways. The one that would lead to his old reading spot. 

Or he would have done if he had not collided with solid air. The cuffs glowed brightly, responding to a barrier he had not known was there. His magic reacted and burned through his veins. He bit his tongue to keep from crying out and did everything he could not to stumble backwards. The pain faded almost as soon as it had arisen.

Quickly he activated his magic sight and scanned the area. He swore under his breath when he saw a golden sheen across the archway. Runes, shiny and new, floating through the air.

Looking around he saw that every other archway sported identical rune-work. Including the entrance to each staircase. Loki wanted to scream at the injustice of it. Why offer him the chance to go to the library if everything worth reading was locked away? The only pieces of work in the front section were common household books. Fiction, household tasks, children’s books. There was nothing of worth here at all.

What started out as a fine day was quickly crashing and burning around him.

oOo

Even though the library could not offer the reading material he wanted, he still decided to stay. The place itself offered a small comfort to him even if he was only allowed a partial slice of it. He picked up a book that looked to be the least boring and sat by one of the fireplaces. In a large plush armchair. He swung his legs over the side of the armrest and rested his head on the wing of the chair. The librarian may have looked over disapprovingly but was not brave enough to voice their concerns.

The book turned out to be a fictional book about the Valkyries of old. Something Thor had obsessed over as a child. It detailed some of their great deeds. About how they found the fiercest and most worthy warriors in all of the nine realms. Trained them up to lead in a huge army. That part was most definitely fictional as the real Valkyries were only a group of soldiers under Odin’s rule. They did not go about picking up warriors from across the nine realms. Unless Odin ordered them to that is.

What was odd was their sudden disappearance. One day Odin had an all powerful all female attack force and the next day he did not. No one had ever really found out why. Though there were certainly rumours floating around. Most of them fanciful and foolish. If he could hazard a guess he’d say that Odin had sent them somewhere too dangerous and had been too cowardly to own up to it. 

The sun was climbing in the sky while Loki finished his book. If he really wanted to he could flip through the whole thing in a matter of minutes. However he deliberately slowed his reading time as there was no point in rushing. After all, there wasn’t much else to offer him entertainment.

As Loki was nearing the end of his novel, a commotion was beginning to break out in front of him. He flicked his eyes up from his page to see what all the fuss was about. 

Several scholars were pouring into the main atrium from the western corner of the library. You could tell they were scholars by their floor length robes of white and gold. It was a pseudo-uniform they had devised for themselves as there was not actually a dress code. They just liked to separate themselves from the general populace. 

Each of them were ladened with books and scrolls. They were placing them on top of the long counter that surrounded the head librarian’s desk. Most of them looked like they had seen better days. With some covered in black spots as if someone had held a flame up to the surface. 

It was rather odd to see books in such a state. The library was usually exceptionally strict with the care of its contents. Each shelf was supposed to be warded against dust and damp. So where these had come from was a mystery.

Loki focused a small amount of magic into his ears so that he could eavesdrop with relative ease. He made sure that it wasn’t too obvious that he was spying on them. Being sure to move his eyes around in a natural manner.

“Is this the last of them, Arnviðr?” asked Asmund the head scholar. His robe was struggling to fit around the middle and his long beard was caught between two books.

“Yes, I believe so my lord” A young man with dark skin was the one to respond. 

His hair was closely cropped and curly. His robes were a light grey, signifying that he was an apprentice. Which was rather surprising. Arnviðr didn’t quite fit the mold of a scholar. Since most of them were a lot older...and rounder. Most men his age would be dreaming of war not apprenticing to a scholar.

“There’s so many” said a woman whose grey hair was tied back into a severe bun. She was one of the few female scholars that the library housed. By the name of Ragnildr “How they have managed to be concealed for this long is quite the mystery”

“I found them, my lady” said Arnviðr, voice suggesting that he was eager for approval. “I was in section 139 returning several tomes, when I saw a door flicker in and out of view”

“Concealment runes, it must be,” said another scholar who Loki believed was called Hagni. He had been acquainted with him on occasion in the past. “They have probably degraded which is why we are now able to see this hidden room”

Arnviðr looked down at one of the books in his hand. A deep sense of melancholy in his eyes. “Well whoever decided to hide these books away hasn't done a very good job of looking after them. All the protection and containment runes have been removed. It left burns on some of them.”

Loki’s ears perked up at that. No containment runes? That would mean that he could simply walk over there, take what he wanted and leave. No alarms would be set off and they would be able to get through the barrier. Also, if they had been concealed for that long they were bound to be more interesting than whatever drivel he could find in this section.

“Can you find out who was the last person to borrow them?” asked Ragnildr “I’d like to give them a piece of my mind.”

The counter was completely covered. A few missing pieces would probably not be noticeable. After all, none of them had been catalogued yet so they wouldn’t know what to look for if they tried.

Finally his day was looking up.

“Unfortunately no. Whoever did it has removed all the names of previous borrowers.” Asmund grumbled as he flicked through the pages of a book. The movement caused dust motes to dance around him.

He just needed a distraction so that he could slip past them, grab a handful and leave. Now what would get a whole group of scholars to abandon their hoard? It had to be something to do with the library, Loki knew. If there was a commotion outside they would, more likely than not, just ignore it. Perhaps if he did something to the books then they would be too busy panicking to keep an eye out. 

Not that he was actually going to harm any of the books. Even he would hesitate before actually destroying a book. Knowledge was power after all. He simply just had to create a powerful enough illusion to make them believe that the books were in danger. A fire would probably do quite nicely. 

He needed to be clever about this though. People had seen him in the library. If they somehow linked the would-be library fire to him then he would be in a world of trouble. Odin would revoke all privileges that he had bestowed upon him thus far. He couldn’t risk being locked back in his room again. Or worse.

He did have one idea however. The young scholar had mentioned where the hidden room was within the library. As the room had been so heavily warded, it is within the realms of possibility that there would be other protections upon it. He could place his distraction near the entrance to the room and, if all went correctly, the scholars would believe they had tripped a ward. That way no one would suspect him.

Loki closed his book with deliberate slowness. If he rushed he would only tip people off about his devious plans. He made a show of yawning and stretching. Placing his book down on one of the small side tables. Looking around, he ensured that no one was glancing in his direction. Then his form shimmered green for a moment and a clone of him began walking out of the library. His real body was now shrouded from sight.

He went and stood away from the crowd. As close as he could get to the western part of the library. He slipped past the group of scholars, making sure not to hit any of them. They were too engrossed in their haul to notice the slight breeze he produced as he walked by them. Then he leaned against a pillar. That way people were less likely to crash into him and give away his location.

Now he could not physically go towards the correct section himself. The newly erected barriers prevented that. However, there was a chance that he could perform the spell from where he was. After all he knew the library like the back of his hand. He could walk to section 139 with his eyes closed. And that is exactly what his magic needed to do now.

Loki closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the pillar. Within his mind’s eye he formulated a map of the library. The exact route needed to get to the correct area. Section 139 consisted of one long corridor. Towering bookshelves on either side of it. In all the times Loki had travelled down it, it had ended at a solid wall. If the scholar were to be believed, then there was now a doorway at the end of it.

With the image of the corridor firmly in his mind, Loki twisted his hands in an intricate pattern. Seiðr twined around his fingers, glowing a bright green. He pictured growing flames and choking smoke. Spreading outwards from this new doorway. Devouring the books as it went. 

All of it was an illusion. But it would be a convincing one.

With one final flourish of his hands the spell was complete. He knew it had been successful by the plume of smoke now rising from the corner of the library. A grin spread across Loki’s face. It had been too long since he’d done anything that would be considered a prank. The feeling was good.

Though he did now feel a little lightheaded. There was also an ache building in his muscles. Like he had been training too hard. The bindings on his seiðr meant that he now tired a lot more quickly. Usually it would take many hours of heavy spellwork before he felt the symptoms of magical fatigue. Now, however, it took only a few spells. It made him feel weak. He despised feeling weak.

He wasn’t done yet however. None of the scholars had noticed the smoke yet and had not left their little group. Loki had an idea to get them to notice.

A green glow encircled Loki’s throat. With a little effort he magically altered his voice. Causing it to deepen and sound utterly unlike himself. Then he projected his voice to sound like it was coming from somewhere behind him. “FIRE! FIRE! There’s a fire in the north-western corner!”

All the scholars turned around in alarm. When they caught sight of the dark grey cloud now permeating the air, they gasped. Eyes widening almost comically. “I thought you said disabled all of the defensive wards” shouted Asmund.

“I did, I did. I swear” pleaded Arnviðr.

“Obviously you missed one” said Ragnildr through gritted teeth. “Hurry, hurry! Before we lose anymore books”

Loki had to dodge out of the way as the whole group came barrelling towards him. They crowded through the archway. Nearly bouncing off the sides with how fast they were moving. Thankfully no one barged into him or noticed him in any way.

He gave them a solid 30 seconds before he made his way towards the now abandoned book horde. That way he could see if there were any stragglers. Fortunately there were not. The books all lay before him like a vast treasure trove. He obviously couldn’t take them all as they would notice. However, he also did not have time to be picky. They would realise that the flames were an illusion sooner or later.

In the end he simply walked over to the counter and filled his arms with as many as he could carry. Choosing at random from the whole pile. Once he was satisfied, he stored them away in a pocket dimension. Vanishing them from his arms. Then with one final glance around the library he quickly retreated. Heading in the direction of his rooms.


	3. Remember Me

Loki had a marked bounce in his step when he wandered back to his room. He smothered the grin that threatened to bloom as much as he could. He did not need any of the guards linking his new exuberant mood with the chaos in the library. They would likely deem him a public menace and inform the king of his audacious disrespect of palace property. It would not do well to lose his new found freedom as soon as he gained it.

By the time he had reached his chambers his bouncing step had been reduced to a more slow meander. The excitement from his successful heist had waned as he walked further away. In its wake, his magical fatigue was rearing its head. Making his movements more sluggish. A tired ache rooted in his limbs. It made him feel like a child. Like when he first started training in the art of sorcery. His undeveloped seiðr had caused him to tire rather quickly. Until he had built up the power over the years. 

When he finally reached his door, he shoved it open hastily. Once inside he used his body to close it again. His back slumped heavily against the door. He gave himself a few moments to just lean there. To take some deep breaths and try to stave off the inevitable tiredness trying to grab hold of him.

_ By the Norns, this is embarrassing. _

When it seemed like his heart wasn’t about to come flying out of his chest he eased himself up from the door. The books reappeared in his arms from the pocket dimension he’d placed them in. He dumped a majority of the books on a table along his back wall. They were dropped into a haphazard pile rather than a neat stack. He did not really have the energy to care. As long as they didn’t collapse onto the ground he would be fine.

He picked up two of them and then proceeded to collapse into his chair. A pained groan left him as he landed with a little too much force. Thankfully, a soft breeze blew in from the open window and it helped to clear his head.

Now, a smart person would have probably given their body a chance to relax. Laid down for an hour or two for their magical reserves to build back up. Loki, however, decided to ignore the logical side of him. He had spent so long bored out of his mind, he wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip past him. So he picked up one of the books and dove straight in.

oOo

The sun was starting to set, casting orange light into the room. Loki slammed his book closed with surprising force.

“Well that was just grim” he mused.

The few books he had skimmed through first were vaguely interesting. One had been about some kind of ancient relics. They would have been intriguing if the words were in any way readable. It’s not as if they were a different language either. The writing was just tiny and it took considerable effort to even discern the meaning of most of the sentences. It made his headache worsen.

Though when he came across an image in the book he did not need to read any of the writing to know what it was. An artist’s rendition of the casket of ancient winters was staring back at him. There was a thick circle surrounding the picture made of black ink. Several other passages had been circled too. They did not seem part of the original book. 

Upon seeing the picture Loki felt an uneasy sickness settle in his gut. His mind kept conjuring flashes of the last time he had seen it. So he decided it was best to put that book to rest for now.

The second book had yielded better results. It was understandable for starters. The topic was about memory. Some scholar was describing what researchers had discovered about the illusive subject. A few things were quite fascinating but one stood out to him more than the others. 

Apparently one's memories aren’t exact replicas of what actually happened. They can change or be remembered incorrectly. In fact they could change based on a person’s current experiences. A miserable person could paint an otherwise happy memory with a sad brush.

So you couldn’t even trust your own head? It was not a comforting thought at all. 

The book in his hand however…let's just say It was definitely not a pleasant read. Quite macabre in fact. A lot of it described one form of torture or another. Spells that could lacerate the skin or send shockwaves through the body. Even he balked at it. Yet some morbid curiosity had him flipping further into the book. The curiosity was used up quite quickly, however, and now he felt rather sick. Some of it was reminiscent of his time with Thanos.

That was something he categorically  _ did not _ want to dwell on. He threw it as far from him as possible. The pages fanned out as it flew through the air and it landed with a thud. Then he leaned down and picked up another book.

“If you are a book telling me about the benefits of crucifixion I am going to burn you” Loki threatened.

The book did not react to the ire in his voice and stubbornly remained an inanimate object. Nevertheless, Loki cracked it open to the first page. This time a little more tentatively than the first one.

Blissfully, this one was torture free. In fact it was jam packed with interesting tidbits on sorcery. There were some passages on theories he hadn’t come across before. He greedily ate it all up. One particular page drew his eye.

In the centre of the page was an artfully drawn circle with feathered edges. It appeared to depict a window of some sort. In the corner of the picture someone had scribbled something down in a messy scrawl.

> _ Might be useful. Must look into it more. _

So the book thief not only burned away all of the protective runes they’d also defaced them? Whoever owned that hidden room in the library clearly held no care for the books they were hoarding. No wonder the librarians had seemed so angry. He dreaded to think about what Asmund would have done if he had ever dared draw in a book.

Focusing back on the page, he realised that the image wasn’t actually a window. It was more like a door. _ Brygdir, _ a spell to create a portal between one destination and another. A personal doorway for the sorcerer to use. It rendered the distance between the two as a mere step.

Loki sucked in a breath and his hands tightened around the book. Could it be that easy?

He had used his fair share of portals in the past. However they usually required a lengthy and taxing spell to activate them. Yet this book was describing a much simpler solution. In fact, Loki believed that he would be able to do it even with his reduced power. He was positively vibrating as he clambered to his feet and made his way to a clear patch on his floor.

This was his chance. He could use this spell to finally be free of this place. To make it out on his own and never look back. To never have to face those he once thought were his family. 

Loki placed the book down and collected a sizable chunk of chalk from a drawer. The book described using runes as a tool to feed the magic for the spell. That way it didn’t all come from your own supply. 

Loki analysed the image on the page and then began to transfer them onto the ground in front of him. If he had access to his whole arsenal he would not need to draw them out by hand. But as it stood, he did not want to use up more energy than was necessary. Once he was done he put the chalk down and dusted off his hands. It did not work that well and he ended up with white handprints on his trousers. 

He checked and double checked the runes to make sure that they were correct. They were drawn inside a circle. Small runes lined the edges with one big rune in the middle. When he was certain, he placed his hand on the edge of the rune circle and pushed a small amount of magic into it. A green light replaced the white of the chalk as the runes activated.

_ Moment of truth.  _

Loki began to perform his part of the spell. With a destination in mind he repeated the words that were written. His hands moved in the way that it outlined. Seiðr swirled in his core and he could detect the telltale hint of static in the air that suggested something was working. 

For the final part of the spell he brought both hands together in front of him. Index finger touching index finger. Thumb touching thumb. Through the gap made by his hands he could see a small speck of light swirling in the air. With the final word he pushed his hands away from each other. In their wake, the swirling circle of light grew. It grew until it became his height.

The outside edges remained as a swirling vortex of light while the centre became a still image. The image of a forest. One he knew to be on the outskirts of Asgard. He and Thor had frequented them often enough in his youth to recognise them.

A shocked laugh bubbled up. He’d done it!

The sun was almost set and only a small amount of light permeated the trees. Yet they didn’t look scary. Wildlife scurried across the ground and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. It looked inviting. It looked like freedom. Free from the disgust and anger from everyone around him. He wanted nothing more than to be there right now.

Tentatively, he reached out a hand towards the portal in front of him. He flinched when it connected with the surface. It wasn’t painful, it was just an unexpected sensation. It felt sort of like water except lighter, somehow. When his fingers pushed through all he could feel on the other side was cool air.

His heart began to pound in his ears and his stomach was doing flips. Loki didn’t give himself a chance to think: too desperate for the peace the forest offered him. He stepped forward with every intention of leaving everything behind him.

Well intentions and reality seldom co-operate with one another. As soon as his bracelets breached the surface, Loki’s body was swiftly overcome by a burning pain. It was intense and overwhelming. His body seized up and he staggered backwards out of the portal. The magical fatigue from earlier mixed with the sudden shock of pain turned out to be too much. Loki promptly collapsed and the world became dark.

The portal disappeared as soon as Loki lost consciousness.

When Loki came to he was extremely disorientated. The room was suddenly dark and he was lying in a heap on his cold, stone floor. His neck twinged something fierce. He rubbed at the back of it as he pushed himself into a seating position.

_ Well that was a disaster.  _ He squinted as he tried to look around the room. Before remembering that squinting was unnecessary. With a click of his fingers his room illuminated around him. His shirt was crumpled and his trousers were covered in white powder from where he’d landed in the rune circle. With a groan he attempted to dust it off. When it remained stubbornly on his clothes he gave up.

So maybe he had been a little hasty-and a lot stupid. Of course Odin would have created a barrier that encircled the whole palace. Loki had been thinking too small. That the individual barriers scattered through the palace were all that stood between him and freedom. However, his inability to pass the portal and subsequent mini coma proved otherwise.

Did he really think it would be so easy? 

Also, what did he expect to do if it had worked? He didn’t even have his shoes on for Gods sake. He had just been so overcome with the thought of escape he hadn’t pondered on anything else. His restlessness and impulsivity would be the death of him one day. But thankfully not today.

He picked himself up off the ground and stumbled over to his bed. He would berate himself later. But not now, he was too tired. Instead he slipped under the covers and clicked the lights off. He was out before his head even touched the pillow.

oOo

He awoke a few hours later. The sun, high up in the sky. Obviously he needed the sleep. It had given his magical reserves time to replenish and for the fatigue to fade. If he was being honest with himself, he knew he should have rested before he attempted any magic yesterday. But he couldn’t change that now. 

His sleep was blissfully nightmare free. Probably too tired to dream he supposed. But he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He would take what he could get. 

The covers were flipped back and Loki climbed out of his bed. Books were dotted around the room and the half erased rune circle was still on the floor. Not the tidiest of places. His nose wrinkled slightly when he looked back at his bed. At the sight of white powder clinging to the sheets. He’d forgotten to take off his chalk covered clothes before he crawled into bed last night.

He had once prided himself on his tidiness. Now look at him. Standing there covered in chalk dust.

Loki shook his head and sighed. First things first he needed fresh clothes. He decided to go for something simple. Green tunic and black trousers. There were plenty of fancier items in his wardrobe but he could not see the point. 

Once dressed, he decided that the room needed some semblance of tidiness. He went after the chalk circle first. Dusting it away as best he could with a towel. No point leaving evidence behind was there. He did not need someone to find his little experiment and run off to Odin. 

Then he collected some of the books dotted around the room. When he came across the one he threw yesterday he held it away from him. As if it might self-combust at any moment. Loki piled them up against a spot along the wall. He would sort through them all later.

The spell book from last night was still open on the ground. Loki bent down to retrieve it. He flipped through a few pages. Even if his experiment had ended disastrously it had still worked. There still might be something else of interest in the book. 

His cleaning was momentarily forgotten. Instead his concentration turned to the pages in front of him. Just as he was about to find somewhere more comfortable to read, his reverie was broken by the sound of multiple objects falling to the ground. The thud had shocked him and he turned to find the culprit.

He groaned when he saw the heap of books on the floor. They were from the pile he had made yesterday, that he had left on the table. 

“Tidy one thing up and another mess takes its place” Loki sighed to himself.

He eyed the open window next to the table. A breeze must have blown through and knocked everything over. Perhaps keeping his window open all the time wasn’t the best idea. He made his way across the room. Nearly tripped over a stray book but he managed to catch himself in time. When he did go to close the window he found himself pausing.

_ That’s odd.  _ It was actually rather still outside. The leaves on the trees were barely ruffling. There was a bit of breeze but not enough to blow a whole pile of books off a table.  _ Must have been a rogue wind  _ he thought _ .  _ Loki pushed it from his mind. There were other things to concern himself with.

Namely the new pile of books on his floor. He turned back towards the offending mess. Most of them were in one big clump so he just wrapped his arms around it and heaved it back onto the table. It left the odd few dotted across the floor.

One book had landed open, exposing a random page. He was about to snap it closed but found his eyes glancing across the page first. It drew him up short and his hand hovered over the book as he read on

_ Aevum Memoriae.  _ To unveil what has passed. Of memories lost through time.

It was a spell of some kind. He lifted the book up carefully so that he could get a closer look. It claimed to be a spell that could reveal memories of long ago. That each instant in time left an imprint. An imprint that could be revisited and rewatched.

He felt his excitement building once more. Blood coursed through his veins a little faster. The implications of this spell could be huge. How far back could he go? Could he reveal some ancient secret that people had tried to hush up? What if he learned something that no one living knew about? An exuberant grin stretched across his face.

This spell was less likely to backfire as much as the other one did. So Loki had no qualms about testing it. Also, luckily for him it looked like it didn’t draw that much power from the caster. Instead it drew a majority of its power from the ambient magic in the surroundings. So the more magical an area the easier the spell was to cast. 

Loki balanced the book in his left hand and stretched out his right one. The spell required him to say the words  _ Aevum Memoriae  _ while twisting his hand like a dial.

“Aevum Memoriae” he said. 

A few sparks of green left his hand but nothing happened. He gave his hand a shake and tried to amp himself up again. Magic required focus and intention. As he’d never done this spell before it could take a few tries. The only reason the portal worked yesterday was because it was mainly supplied by the runes he drew.

He focused his eyes on the air in front of him before urging his seiðr once more. 

“Aevum Memoriae”

This time he was rewarded by ghostly silhouettes moving about in front of him. They drifted about and changed shape as Loki moved his hand. When he stopped moving the image stopped. A person appeared in the air before him. Translucent at first before becoming something more solid. You would almost think that they were standing directly in front of him. Except the image had a tendency to flicker and it seemed to glow with a hint of green.

Then all at once the image settled and Loki could finally see what it was.

It was him.

However, he stopped short of celebrating as the imprint of him started to move. His face was a picture of agony. Teeth gritted and tears in his eyes. The cry that bellowed out of him made present Loki drop his book. He had not been expecting sound.

_ Not this.  _ He thought. This was not a memory he wanted to relive. He felt his stomach turn and an echo of panic rush through him. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to remove the spell. He wasn’t even sure how to do so.

“ _ How could they do this? _ ” His imprint had his head in his hands. “ _ How could they  _ lie _ ? _ ”

Hearing the pain in his own voice was like a shock to the system. When he saw himself reach for a chair and fling it against a wall he wasn’t surprised. He watched on as the memory of him destroying his own room played out before him. Ghostly apparitions of destroyed furniture now lay across his floor.

It was from his first night back from Jotunheim. When he had finally found out what he was. He hadn’t actually been able to recall this particular moment with much clarity. His mind had been like a storm and could only remember the rage he had felt. Now however…

A sudden pain built up behind Loki’s eyes and he winced against it. The vague memory from before was replaced with one much clearer. He could now recall more beyond the rage. From the table he’d smashed against the floor to the splinters he’d gotten in his hands.

He was broken from his reverie when his door was suddenly opened. His real door, not the one in the memory. A young maid servant stood in the entryway. Upon seeing him in the centre of the room she let out a little yelp.

Loki’s pulse skyrocketed at the intrusion. He couldn’t have people seeing what he was doing. God knows what would happen if Odin found him with this particular spell. But he didn’t have time to banish the memory. Nor did he actually know how to.

“Oh, your Highness, I apologise. I thought that you would be dining with the queen” she said quickly, averting her eyes.

Not once did her gaze flicker over to the imprint of him trashing the place. He could still hear the sound of crashing, yet the maid didn’t even flinch. Either she was completely ignorant or she couldn’t see the memory at all. 

It took him a few seconds to answer as he tried to sort through what was going on. 

“Er no, I overslept” said Loki, while looking at his counterpart out of the corner of his eye.

Actually he had overslept. By the looks of the light streaming through his window it was past noon.

Loki nearly flinched when a pot soared straight through the area the maid was standing, before shattering against the door.  _ Okay she definitely can’t see it then. _

Blissfully, as soon as the pot landed against the door, the whole image began to fade. First went the ruined furniture. Then the imprint of him sunk to the ground and the memory vanished completely. Relief coursed through his body. He loosed a breath when it finally disappeared.  _ That was a close one. _

“I will come back later, my Prince” she said, while shuffling out. She reminded Loki of a scared rabbit.

He rubbed his hand over his face as soon as the door closed

Loki decided it was probably best if he read into the spell a bit more before he ventured out. He had gotten lucky with the maid not being able to see his incantation. But he couldn’t afford to be surprised again. Especially if he was going to use it around the palace.

So it turned out that the imprints  _ are _ only visible to the caster. No one else would be able to see whatever memories popped up. The maid wasn’t just being woefully ignorant, then. She truly could not see anything. 

This was perfect. It meant that he could use this spell throughout the castle without having to worry about passers by. They couldn’t suspect him of misusing his magic if they couldn’t see anything. Well they could, they just wouldn’t be able to find any proof.

As he read on he discovered why viewing the memory had given him a headache. Apparently witnessing your own memory solidified it more in the mind. The magic in the spell helped to sort through ill-remembered memories and replace them with more factual ones. It caused a bit of a sting when it did it though. Scholars had used it as a memory aid in the past to keep their knowledge sharp and factual.

In his quick read through he hadn’t come across much information on how to control the spell. How far back into the past he travelled would be entirely guesswork until he worked out all the kinks. He did find how to end a memory though. Either he had to let the memory play its course or he had to do a sort of slashing motion with his hand.

Happy with what he knew, he decided that he was going to test it once more. Outside this time: there was still more of the palace to explore. His first day of freedom had resulted in him being holed up in his room again. He vowed to spend as long as he could away from it today.

He found himself wandering away from the Royal Wing. Down towards the centre of the palace. It was more busy. There would probably be more interesting memories down there. There was quite the hustle and bustle today too. 

He caught many a wary glance from the people passing. Some even turned to whisper to their companions. What were they whispering about? Their monstrous Prince? His Jotun blood? They probably feared that he would lash out at them. Loki bit his tongue and struggled not to do just that.

When he found a less busy corridor, he decided to make attempt number two. The servants just whizzed past him as he nonchalantly leaned against the wall. One guard gave him an odd look but Loki simply waved his fingers at him. The guard took a deep breath and carried on walking.

Loki kept his hand down by his side so as not to draw attention to him. Under his breath, he whispered the spell. 

“Aevum Memoriae”

The more he did it, the less emphasis he would have to put on the words. Once you used a spell often enough it became muscle memory. Until you could do them wordlessly and with little effort. Once his magical ability had been a great source of pride. He could perform a multitude of spells without having to think twice. 

That was all in the past though. 

Loki’s hand glowed green for a moment. It was concealed enough that no one noticed it. He twisted his hand and began dialling back through memories. It was an odd sight, like ghosts rushing through the air.

After a moment he stopped moving his hand and let a memory reveal itself. It took a few seconds for the imprints to swim into focus. When it did, it showed two guards walking side by side. He could tell that they were imprints and not real guards, as they had a kind of oddness about them. The shadows across their face didn’t match up with the light streaming in from the windows. They also didn’t look substantial. Some instinct in him knew that if he were to place a hand on them it would go straight through.

It was rather strange to look at.

_ One guard was talking animatedly while the other looked very much displeased about the whole situation. _

_ “She is the most beautiful person I have ever met, Kallan. I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without knowing her” The guard was all doe-eyed and had his hand over his heart.  _

_ He had long black hair tied up in a bun and stubble across his chin. _

_ Kallon, the guard with him, did not look impressed in the slightest. His hair was made up of a multitude of braids and his skin was a deep brown. “Dagnar if you don’t shut up soon I’m gonna ram this spear up your arse” _

_ Dagnar ignored the threat and carried on. “Maybe I should write her a poem. Or a song. Do you think she’d like that?” He scratched his chin deep in thought “Your hair is bright like sun on snow...erm...Your face is one I’d like to know”  _

_ Kallon groaned and looked up to the Heavens “Norns spare me please” _

Loki nearly laughed out loud at the scene before him. So sometime in the past there had been a lovesick guard who was annoying everyone. It felt like watching a dramatic play.  _ This is going to be incredibly entertaining. _

When the guards had walked past his spot, curiosity had taken over. One of Loki’s hands shot out and touched the illusion. It felt strange. Like grains of sand moving along his fingers. Except it wasn’t quite as heavy as sand would be and there was a distinct magical charge flowing through it.

In normal words it tingled.

Loki cut off the memory as the guards began to move out of sight. He looked down at his hands and felt a smile curl at the edges of his mouth. The whole of time was at his fingertips. What would he be able to discover?

He was about to saunter away to a new location when he found himself stopping in his tracks. The smile instantly slid off his face and he felt his muscles tense up. A new person had entered the corridor and were making their way closer to him. 

“Loki” Odin said, harshly. More like a statement than a greeting. His eyes looked Loki up and down. “Still insisting on dressing like a commoner I see” 

Loki’s fists curled tightly. He had spent so long adequately avoiding him and now he stumbled upon him by accident. 

“Odin. What a surprise seeing you here” Loki replied with a nonchalant tone.

Which Odin was not pleased about in the slightest. Loki could see a tick in his jaw and his nostrils flared.

“Seeing as you refuse to address me as Father. You will address me as King.” Odin spat. “I have had enough of your  _ disrespect _ Loki.”

Loki bit his tongue in a bid not to say something stupid. But by the Norns did he want to curse the man in front of him.

“Well, what are you up to this fine day,  _ my King _ ?” Loki did not try to hide the disdain from his voice. He even managed a smirk.

Loki placed his hands in his pockets, exuding an aloof exterior. However his mind was anything but. Though he may have looked uncaring on the outside, Loki’s pulse was racing through his ears. His reaction disgusted him. He shouldn’t let the man affect him so.

“I am to speak with Thor about the protection of the realms”

Loki opened his mouth to speak but was cut off before he could.

“Oh spare me your sharp words and your lies Loki. I know you care for no one but yourself” Odin challenged.

Sparks of magic slipped through Loki’s fingers. They were almost vibrating with how tightly he was holding his fists. The old man truly thought so little of him.

“Perhaps I would care if you had done a better job of raising me” Loki whispered under his breath.

Odin’s jaw tightened and he stepped closer to Loki until he was in his face.

“What was that?” Odin’s voice was low and menacing.

Loki wanted to lash out and say more but he found himself wilting instead. Backing away from the imposing figure in front of him and swallowing. “Nothing” he muttered.

“It had better stay that way if you wish to keep your privileges. I can very easily send you to the dungeons ” Odin leaned back “Now leave me. I have a Kingdom to run”

Then Odin walked around him as if he wasn’t there and continued down the corridor. 

oOo

Loki spent the next few days keeping himself entertained with the memories. He uncovered quite a treasure trove. Secret affairs. Clandestine meetings. He had even found a group of people organising an assassination. Though he wasn’t sure how long ago that had happened. Otherwise there might be some trouble in the future. However, he didn’t recognise the name they used so that was probably a good sign.

But those kinds of memories were few and far between. Turned out most instances in life tended to be quite mundane. People doing their jobs. Talking about what they were going to eat later. Normal everyday stuff. But he didn’t need a spell to see that kind of thing, he could just look around and see it happening right now.

He let his instincts guide him and decide when to stop dialing back with his hand. After a few tries he had gotten better at distinguishing more interesting memories from the boring.

There were a few of his own memories that he had found. Most of them were just him strolling down the corridors or joking with his friends. Nothing spectacular. Yet Loki found himself unable to skip past them. 

He was currently sitting on a window sill. One leg dangling beneath him. His right hand was worrying at the fingers on his left.

The door leading to the training ground was about 10 metres down the hall. It was wide open and he could hear the sound of steel clashing together from where he sat. But he wasn’t looking outside. He was looking at a memory.

_ The smile on his counterparts face was huge. Like he couldn’t possibly smile any wider. He slung an arm around Thor’s shoulders and started laughing. _

“ _ You should have seen your face _ ”  _ Loki laughed  _ “ _ It was the best thing ever. I wish I could have captured it in a painting and looked at it forever _ ”

“ _ Ha ha, laugh it up _ ”  _ said Thor, wincing against the arm on his shoulder.  _

_ There was a bruise forming on his face. His long blond hair seemed to be sporting a headdress of leaves and sticks. _ “ _ You weren’t the one knocked into a tree _ ”

“ _ I know that’s why I’m laughing, _ ”  _ Loki teased. _

There was such unrestrained joy pouring off the image of past Loki. He felt a sharp sensation across his chest at the sight of it. His hand tightened around his ring finger, nails digging in painfully. Had he truly been so happy? All the memories he had stumbled across showed such a cheerful version of Loki. It was hard to stomach that it was truly him.

There was truly a tremendous disparity between the Loki he saw in the memories and the Loki he was now. He could not remember ever being so carefree. For years now he had just felt adrift and angry. This was even before he found out about his heritage or had his stint with the Mad Titan. He had been angry and impulsive and restless. Odin wasn’t really stretching when he accused him of being reckless.

Thor gave past Loki a swift punch to the ribs. But a smile had begun to stretch across Thor’s face.

“ _ You shouldn’t have taunted her saying that she couldn’t beat you in a fight _ ”  _ said Loki, still smirking. _

“ _ She cheated! _ ”  _ Thor exclaimed.  _ “ _ I never said that she could use magic _ ”

_ “But you never said she couldn’t _ ”

Loki remembered this. Thor had challenged someone to a fight during training and had his arse handed to him. His face had been truly something when he was lifted into the air by a magical wind. Though, for the life of him, Loki couldn’t remember who it was Thor had challenged. It must have been one of the female guards. Perhaps he should go outside and try to find that particular memory. 

The imprint in front of him shimmered as a real person walked through them. It re-solidified once there was no longer any obstruction. But when Loki clocked who it was he found himself quickly slicing his hand through air. Effectively shutting off the memory. Then he promptly climbed down from the window sill and stood a little straighter.

Thor from the memory was replaced by Thor from the present. His eyes widened significantly when he caught Loki’s gaze. He slowed his pace to a stop. A light sheen of sweat also coated his brow. He must have been training outside and Loki hadn’t noticed. 

“Loki!” said Thor, his voice unsure. 

“Thor” Loki said while putting his hands in his pockets.

Loki tried to sound bored but he had been taken by surprise. His tone wasn’t quite as carefree as he would have liked it to be.

He felt a pain shoot across his chest as he looked upon his brother. They had been so close when they were younger. Now it felt like they could no longer recognise each other. Thor was the mighty hero and he was the lowly villain. Oh how far he had fallen. He had once been the voice of reason to Thor’s recklessness. Now it was like the tables had flipped.

Thor also looked a lot less carefree than his past counterpart had. So much had been laid onto Thor’s shoulder’s Loki was surprised he didn’t buckle under the weight of it. Instead of the easy smile, he now held a tension in his jaw. Loki couldn’t help but feel that it was because of him. 

“It’s been a long time,” Thor said after a pause.

“It’s been a year, Thor” Loki cut back.

Last time he had seen Thor was when he had slapped those cuffs onto his wrists and dragged him before the Allfather. Since then he had not seen hide nor hair of him.

“Right, yes” Thor began to fidget with the collar of his shirt. “...Look I’m sorry Loki I…”

“Save it” Loki snapped “I don’t want to hear it”

Loki turned around before Thor could say anything. He could no longer stand being this close to his former brother.

“I’m still your brother Loki. Remember that”

He walked away with a rather quickened pace. Though he would never admit that he was actually running.

Loki kept walking until he no longer felt so jittery. He hated how much people could still affect him. He would much rather be numb to it all. At least then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Yet when he saw Thor, he still felt his chest constrict.

He settled against a wall, taking a few steadying breaths.  _ You don’t need him and he doesn't need you, simple.  _ He tried to convince himself. However, even his internal voice didn’t sound so sure. 

Loki shook his head, his depressing motivational speech wasn’t helping matters. He needed a distraction instead. Aevum Memoriae could come to his rescue. If he got lost in someone else’s memories then he wouldn’t have to dwell on his own. It was the perfect solution.

Loki just ignored the few people that were bustling around him. He brought his hand up and activated the spell. Twisting his hand brought a collection of memories to life. They swirled through the air as Loki went about choosing one. He’d gotten quite good at picking the interesting ones now.

He stopped twisting his hand and a memory swam into focus. Two figures lay at the opposite end of the corridor. One was undoubtedly Odin. He would never forget that face for as long as he lived. Even if the imprint of him had significantly darker hair. It must have been at least a couple of thousand years old. Odin was already grey by the time he had Thor. 

The woman he was walking with was a bigger mystery though. Her hair was jet black and her eyes were a bright green. One would almost think she and Loki were related.

She appeared to be arguing with Odin about something. However, Loki couldn’t quite hear what it was from where he was standing. He needed to get closer to the pair of them. It was bound to be good. He’d never known anyone speak to the Allfather the way this woman appeared to be.

As he was too busy focusing on the memory, he wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings. So when someone bumped into him it was very surprising and very annoying. They managed to knock his hand which made the memory vanish.

He spun around to try and find the culprit. Though when he did, he couldn’t see anyone. The corridor was rather empty. Whoever did it must have ran around the corner when they realised who they’d bumped into.

Loki huffed with irritation. It’s not as if he was standing in the middle of the hallway. There was plenty of room. Perhaps they’d done it on purpose. As a way to make their dislike known. Loki wouldn’t put it past them, he wasn’t exactly popular right now.

_ Now I’m going to have to find that memory again.  _ He groaned in his mind. 

However, when he turned back, he found a different memory was playing out. The person who bumped into him must have knocked his hand and switched the memories around.

This one didn’t seem as interesting as the one he had originally chosen. There were only two people in it talking amongst themselves. One was a woman he recognised. Lady Astrid. She was close to his age and they had been on friendly terms last time they spoke. The person next to her, he did not recognise though.

Her hair was a kind of platinum blonde. More white than blonde actually. It hung in waves down her back. He couldn’t quite see her face properly from his vantage point but he could tell that she was rather pale.

He thought he recognised most, if not all, of the people that called this palace home. You don’t spend 1500 years in one place and not at least know what someone looks like. Not knowing someone’s name was quite a regular occurrence but not knowing someone’s face was quite rare.

He could have just skipped the memory but curiosity about the stranger stopped him.

“ _ How did your exam go? I know Eir is a notoriously harsh marker _ ”  _ said Astrid. _

So the mystery woman was a healer. Or a healer in training. Eir was the head healer and no one practiced medicine in this palace without her permission. She wasn’t actually as severe as everyone made out though. He remembered her having a soft spot for him whenever he’d come in with another cut or broken bone. Which was quite often.

_ “It wasn’t actually as bad as I thought it would be. I probably didn’t have to stay up half the night in a panic”  _

Her voice was like a song and Loki found himself inexplicably drawn in.

“ _ You should probably apologise to loverboy, then. For keeping him awake _ ”  _ Astrid laughed. _

“ _ Don’t call him that. _ ”  _ the stranger whispered harshly. _

_ “Try and stop me” _

_ The stranger shook her head and smiled.  _

Then she looked up. For a second it was as if she were smiling directly at Loki. It was a smile that broke through every one of Loki’s defences.

He inhaled sharply and felt himself freeze. His pulse skyrocketed. She looked his way for only a second but it felt like an eternity. Her eyes were a bright blue and they seemed to look straight into him. When she smiled it made her whole face glow. His cheeks heated up instantly and his face now sported a lovely shade of red.

_ By the Norns, what was that?  _ Loki had not reacted that way, in front of someone attractive, since he was a boy. And he certainly never  _ blushed _ . What was wrong with him?

Loki brought a hand up to his cheek and willed the redness to go down. This was just embarrassing.

The memory faded while he was too busy getting himself under control. Vanishing into the air as if it never existed. Loki felt his arm reach out before he could stop himself.  _ No, come back. _

He wanted to see her again. He didn’t even know why. Some part of him was just screaming at him to find her once more. To learn more about her. So he lifted his hand determined to do just that.

_ Who are you, stranger? _


	4. A war in the mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter. If you could review that would be really nice. I would like to know what you think so far x

As it turned out, searching for one person’s memories was actually rather difficult. She was just one drop in an entire ocean of time. 

Countless lives had passed through these palace halls. Some imprints he’d found had even been from before the palace was even built. Their ghostly forms walked through walls as if there was nothing there. Or they’re bodies were submerged halfway through the floor. Like they were wading through waist high water. It was rather disconcerting.

He had found one of Odin. It must have been from when the palace had a slightly different layout because he was halfway through a wall. He was speaking to a woman. When Loki peered at the marking on her arms he gasped. She was a Valkyrie 

“_ She has been seen near Jotunheim. I am charging you with stopping her _” said Odin

“_ Stop her how, All Father? _” the Valkyrie asked.

“_ By any means necessary. _ ” Odin demanded “ _ She is close with Laufey so be warned _”

“_ Understood, All Father _” The Valkyrie bowed and walked away.

When the memory vanished, Loki sighed. This was getting him nowhere. As interesting as the memory was, it wasn’t what he was looking for. After an hour or two of unsuccessful attempts he finally called it a day. 

By no means had he given up though. He was determined to find this mystery stranger. It felt like a riddle and it was by far the most entertaining thing he’d done in a year. 

And that was just sad.

Nevertheless, he went back to his room, resolved with finding a solution. He had only given the book a quick read before; it might hold more information for him.

His journey back to his room was briefly hindered by a group of women congregating in the corridor. They took up most of the space and did not show any remorse about that fact. Loki rolled his eyes and went to skirt around them. When a piercing glare found its way to him he found himself stopping.

She was rather short but that in no way hindered how much of a presence she made. Or thought she made at least. Her blonde hair was sculpted into an over complicated updo. The air of self-importance she exuded was almost suffocating. She glared at Loki as if she were trying to bore holes into his skull with her eyes.

“I thought that with your arrest I would never have to suffer your presence again” she said with a bite.

The other Ladies around her shuffled about awkwardly. Not knowing where to look or what to do with their hands.

“I assure you Lady Audhild the feeling is _ very _ mutual” Loki said with a smile. 

Why was he constantly running into people he would rather never set eyes upon again? His freedom came with so many strings attached.

“To think that I was almost married to you. It makes me sick just to think of your Jotun hands anywhere near me” she shuddered with revulsion.

His betrothed. Loki had despised her almost from day one. He couldn’t stand how self-obsessed she was. From the moment he saw her slap one of her maids for nothing more than misplaced jewellery, he had vowed that he would never marry her.

Loki bent forward and kept his voice low. “We both know that would have never happened, Audhild. I would have rathered to be thrown into the depths of Muspelheim than go anywhere near you”

She shrunk ever so slightly but reared up again just as fast.

“Back away from my sister you _ beast” _came a voice from behind them. “Before I make you regret ever looking at her”

Loki fought the urge to curse under his breath and lost bitterly. He turned around to see the weaselly face of Dýr. The man even had a fireball balanced in the palm of his hand as if to cement his threat.

Just how bad was his luck today?

This was probably one of the biggest reasons he had never liked Audhild. She was related to that bastard.

“Did you enjoy the little friends I made for you? One can never have too many friends can they” said Loki, recalling the spiders he had conjured.

“You’ll pay for that you beast” Dýr growled

Loki tilted his head to the side, looking woefully unimpressed. “Come now Dýr you can do better than that. Where’s the originality? The flair? I’ve been cut more deeply by insults from a 10 year old.”

Dýr looked ready to retaliate but Loki didn’t let him. “I doubt the King would be very impressed with you speaking this way to royalty”

He hated to bring Odin into any conversation but he knew that it would be effective.

“You’re not royalty anymore” Audhild scoffed.

The Ladies around her now looked like they would rather be anywhere else but here. One had already shuffled off and another was trying to convince the others to leave.

“Odin never actually took away my Princehood. I am most assuredly still royalty” 

Audhild’s eyes widened when the realisation dawned on her. Dýr’s fireball diminished until it was just a faint glow on his hand.

“The only way you would get the King on your side would be if you found me doing something nefarious. Otherwise you will not get the time of day. Now if we’re done here I have better places to be” Loki walked past Dýr, making sure to knock into him on the way.

Loki was most of the way down the corridor when he heard an errant cry of “This isn’t over.”

Loki just rolled his eyes.

oOo

It turned out that most of the book was focused around the Aevum Memoriae spell. There was quite a bit to sift through. Some chapters spoke about different research while others explored theories. It took a few pages before he found anything promising.

Apparently there was a way to recall specific people’s memories. Otherwise it would be a frankly useless Memory aid spell. You had to hold the person in your mind when you were casting the spell. The better you knew the person, the easier it would be to conjure them. 

So if you were looking for your own memories you would find them with no difficulty. No one knows you better than yourself, as they say. Close friends and family would also be quite easy to conjure. However, looking for a stranger that you didn’t even know the name of, would be a lot more difficult.

But he endeavored to try nonetheless.

All he knew of her was what she looked like. So. She was Aesir, she was a healer and she was beautiful. The last point didn’t really serve a purpose but he kept it on the list anyway.

He decided to test the spell out near to where he first saw her initially. A picture of her was painted in his mind. Which was surprisingly easy to conjure considering he’d only seen her once.

His first attempt at finding her was unsuccessful. Instead, the imposing figure of Lord Eirick came into view. A man Loki was quite familiar with. 

_ Not the blonde I’m after, I’m afraid. _

The man had long blond hair that was straight as a pin. It was a similar shade to mystery woman’s, now that he thought about it. He was also a healer, if he remembered correctly. Perhaps that was where the mix up happened. 

His face was quite severe but Loki knew that he was actually a big softie. Eirick was very much a pacifist. Though he still wasn’t someone you should cross. Loki had been on the receiving end of many of his disappointed telling offs. 

The man had been his sorcery teacher from time to time. Though it was mainly Frigga who taught him, he’d had the occasional lesson from Lord Eirick. It was surprisingly difficult to find teachers on the finer points of magic. Battle magic was favoured above everything. Like Thor’s lightning. Anything else was considered a waste of time.

Not that Loki ever listened to those people.

He sliced through the air and dissolved the image of Lord Eirick._ Time for attempt number two. _

When a new image of Lord Eirick appeared, further along the corridor, Loki groaned aloud. He was walking towards a small courtyard, sporting some fabulous robes. Every time Loki had seen him he was wearing something similar. As if everyday was a banquet.

Lord Eirick had not always been a Lord. He had not always lived in the palace either. Loki just knew that he and Lady Kala had met during the war with Jotunheim. They married not long after. Perhaps his humble beginnings were the reason that he dressed so extravagantly everyday.

Loki was just about to dissolve the memory when a second person ran over. 

_ A woman jogged up to Lord Eirick’s side and slowed to match his pace. Her hair was braided back and she was wearing a light blue dress. Which were usually worn by apprentice healers. _

He felt himself freeze once more when he caught sight of the elusive stranger. She appeared to be slightly younger in this memory.

_ Eirick glanced at her from the corner of his eye as he turned to walk through an archway. The stranger followed along into the courtyard. _

Loki began to walk closer so that he could hear what they were saying. He gave the archway a cursory glance. Only to realise that there was no barrier on it. He was allowed to go into this courtyard. Probably because it was still firmly encased in the castle. But Loki didn’t dwell on it and happily stepped outside.

“_ Freydis, what have I said about running in the corridors? _ ” _ Eirick scolded. _

Freydis. Her name was Freydis. It felt like a piece of the puzzle clicking into place.

“_ That wasn’t running. I was barely jogging _” she replied.

That sounded like something he would have said. Loki once again found himself drawn to her. He swept around a tree so he could get a better look at her. Freydis’s eyes held a mischievous glint to them and she smiled widely at Lord Eirick.

_ Eirick came to a stop and raised an eyebrow at her. _ “ _ Well what did you need that had to charge through the palace for me? _”

“_ Well, _ Father _ , I wanted to tell you about my day” _ s _ he said with a hint of sarcasm. _

_ Then her entire body language changed and she seemed to be literally vibrating with excitement _ “ _ Remember that cut healing spell that Eir was teaching us? She let us practice on a real person and I did it. It was amazing” _

Loki was barely concentrating on what she said. Father?! _ What the Hel _? Since when did Lord Eirick have a child? He’d known the man for a long time and not once had he seen any mention of a daughter. Did he keep her hidden or something?

It’s not as if he could dispute the fact that she was his daughter either. Now that he was looking at them together he realised just how much they looked alike.

Loki was still reeling from the shock that he barely caught what else was happening. 

_ Eirick had a proud smile across his face and was embracing Freydis. _

_ “...helped you then did he?” Eirick asked. _

_ A red flush rose in Freydis’s cheeks. _ “ _ Yes, he was very helpful _”

“_ And it was _ only _ research you were doing? _ ” _ Eirick raised an eyebrow. _

_ The redness in Freydis’s cheeks deepened. _ “ _ Dad! Why does everyone think something else must be happening? I’m allowed to be friends with a boy you know _”

Loki felt a surge of jealousy rush through him. Who could have made her so flustered like that? It was very clear that she had feelings for whoever it was. Despite how much she claimed she didn’t.

He knew how stupid it was to feel this way about someone he didn’t even know. He couldn’t even explain why he felt this way. His reactions to her were almost as puzzling as Freydis was herself.

“_ I know that, _ ” _ said Lord Eirick. Then his voice took on a more serious tone. _ “ _ Your mother and I are just worried is all. You need to be careful. _”

That’s a good point. If Lord Eirick was her father, that would make Lady Kala her mother. 

That is if she were actually his wife’s child. She could have been born to another woman; it happened quite often after all. It might explain why he didn’t know about her. If she were kept out of public view. 

But Loki did not think that that was the case at all. Eirick was an honourable man and he could not see him being the unfaithful kind. 

Circling back, if Lady Kala was her mother then he was truly blind. Kala had been one of Frigga’s closest friends. When she first came to Asgard, from Vanaheim, she was quite alone. Lady Kala had been the one to help her get accustomed to Asgardian court life. If she had a child without him even knowing about it, then he really feared for his intelligence. 

oOo

Now that Loki knew her name, he could get a feel for her. It meant that he was more successful when trying to conjure memories of her. He could have stopped once he found out her name and who her parents were. That was the mystery solved after all. Wasn’t it? 

But for some reason he felt the urge to find out more. He wanted to see her again. Perhaps if he discovered more about her then he could find out where she was now. He felt giddy at the thought of seeing her in real life.

What would he even say to her? _ Hey there, I found out who you were when I snooped through your past, hope you don’t mind _. By the norns, was he basically a stalker?

He had discovered a few more memories since he found out who she was. One was with her mother. Who turned out to be none other than Lady Kala. Maybe he should get his head checked. How he had missed that was beyond him.

It was rather strange to see Lady Kala. Her hair was a more golden blonde than her daughters was. Though she was where Freydis had inherited her wavy hair from. 

It was the first time he had seen someone that was no longer alive. She had died some years back. To a group of Jotuns actually. That fact left a taste of ash in his mouth now that he knew what he was. 

Seeing her walking and talking was rather unsettling. Yet at the same time it felt good to see her again. He remembered how upset Frigga had been at her passing. She had been distraught. Hardly spoke for days. He wondered how she would feel to be able to see her friend again. Would she be happy?

No, he couldn’t show her the spell. Even if making Frigga smile would remind him of old times. He couldn’t risk Odin discovering his escapades. The man would probably think that he was trying to uncover secrets and stir up trouble. Odin never had thought too highly of him. At least now he knew why.

Another memory he found was from when she was significantly younger. 

_ She was about the size of a 10 year old. She was sitting on the ground in a courtyard. A small collection of rocks lay in front of her and she was trying with all her might to make them levitate. _

“_ I don’t know why you're trying to do that when Sir Bruni has given us writing to do _ ” _ came a small voice from the bench above Freydis. _

_ A tiny Astrid lay across a stone bench on her front. Her legs were up in the air and she had a book in her hands. She was chewing on the end of her pen. _

“_ Because I already know how to write but I don’t know how to make the _ stupid _ rocks fly _ ” _ Freydis grumbled. _

_ Her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. _

“_ Of course you know how to write Freydis, _ ” _ said Astrid _ “ _ This is about learning to write your own stories. You can come up with anything you want! I’m writing about an adventurer that braves all nine realms on her own _”

Astrid was starry eyed while she spoke about her story. As far as Loki knew, she was still as passionate about writing today.

“_ Writing’s your thing Astrid, not mine _” 

_ One rock in front of her began to vibrate. Freydis gasped and a smile spread across her face as it floated about two inches into the air. Even Astrid turned from her book to smile down at her friend. _

_ The moment was instantly dashed when all the rocks shot away from Freydis. Right into the hands of a smirking older boy. _

Loki wanted to shout at the intruder. He almost did before he caught himself. Though when he recognised who the boy was, he cursed under his breath.

_ Little Freydis shot to her feet with a rage in her eyes “Dýr, give them back!” _

_ Dýr shuffled the rocks in his hand. _ “ _ I don’t think I will. It’s not as if you were doing anything with them anyway _”

Turned out Dýr had never been nice. His default personality was prick apparently.

“_ I was practicing! _ ” _ Freydis stamped her foot and looked up at Dýr as if her stare would make him catch fire. _

“_ You don’t need to be playing about with magic anyway _ ” _ Dýr said in a self-assured voice. _ “ _ Do you know what my Father told me _?”

_ Dýr didn’t wait for her to answer before continuing _ “ _ He said that we were betrothed. Do you know what that means? _”

_ Freydis’s brow furrowed and she shook her head. _

_ Dýr leaned down so that he could get in her face. _ “ _ It means that we’re going to be married one day. _”

_ Freydis’s face fell and she looked devastated. _ “ _ You’re lying _.”

“_ I am not. Ask your Father if you don’t believe me _” 

“_ I will never marry you! _ ” _ Freydis yelled and lashed out. _

_ She knew exactly where to kick to make it hurt the most. _

_ Dýr went down like a rock. _

_ A shocked Astrid grabbed Freydis by the wrist and they both ran out of the courtyard. _

The memory faded and the last thing he saw was the pained look on Dýr’s face.

_ Dýr! _ She was betrothed to _ Dýr! _Loki felt sick. That Bastard of a man shouldn’t have been anywhere near her.

And how had he still never heard of her before? Surely she was something that Dýr would try to Lord over him. He was also definitely not married in any kind of way now. Not as far as the court knew anyway. A wedding like that would have been a public gathering. 

That was the only thing that made him feel better. She obviously got out of that betrothal then.

oOo

The more he found out about her the more his confusion deepened. Imprints of her were everywhere. All across the castle. For someone he had never seen before she seemed to be in a lot of places.

He had wandered into one of the great halls. It was most often used for feasts or celebrations. So far he had avoided going into it. There were bound to be people there. Laughing and socialising amongst themselves. While it was used for feasts it was still a communal space when not in use. 

Seeing smiles drop when he entered a room was not high on his to-do list.

Nevertheless he decided to brave it today. He hadn’t originally set out to, though. But as he had walked past he heard one of the heavy doors creak open. He paused, waiting for whoever it was to step out. When they never did, Loki frowned. Then he swung his head around the door to peer inside.

It was actually rather empty today, he noticed. No crowd of people to balk at him if he ventured in. Loki decided to take the opportunity and wander inside. He had actually wanted to come in here over the last few days but the thought of groups of people had put him off.

The vaulted ceiling lay high above him. Carved with beautiful patterns and motifs. The lights embedded into the ceiling twinkled like stars. It was quite different to the murals in the throne room. These ones were more abstract.. He’d always loved the artwork in this room. 

It reminded him of one of his own memories.

For the first time, Loki found himself seeking out a memory of his. Since he found out he could control which flashbacks he saw he had been strictly avoiding his own. Yet now he wanted to see it.

“Aevum Memoriae”

As he knew exactly what memory he wanted the image settled instantly.

_ Frigga was trying to lay down a big blanket on the floor. There were two young boys who were making that task a lot harder. Thor and Loki looked to be around 10. The imprints of them kept trying to climb underneath the blanket. _

_ Frigga put up a good fight with the two of them. A huge smile stretched across her face. Until she finally gave in and cast a spell towards them. Loki and Thor’s shoes instantly became glued to the spot. Thor nearly toppled over but Loki managed to catch him. _

_ Once the two boys were out of the way it became a lot easier to lay out the blanket. _ “ _ Right, darlings, climb on and lie down _”

_ The spell dissolved on their shoes so that they could lie down next to Frigga. Loki curled into Frigga’s side and Thor curled into his. _

He felt his breath catch in his throat when he looked at the scene. There was a time when Thor thought the world of him.

“_ Look up. What do you see? _ ” _ asked Frigga. _

_ “The ceiling” Loki said smugly. _

_ Frigga reached over to tickle Loki in the ribs. _

“_ Paintings? _ ” _ Thor asked, unsure. _

“_ Yes, Thor. But they aren’t just random, they tell a story. All good art has a story to tell _”

_ Frigga then went on to explain what each painting on the ceiling stood for. Her voice was animated as she recalled the tales. _

There was a brief pain behind Loki’s eyes as the memory solidified in his mind. Only when the memory faded did Loki notice the tear on his cheek. When he did, he hastily wiped away the evidence. Then he gave a cursory look around the room to see if anyone had witnessed his little episode. Thankfully, everyone seemed occupied with their own thing.

While being reminded of times gone by stung, he found that seeing the flashback wasn’t as painful to watch as he had imagined. He had even found himself smiling along. Maybe he shouldn’t be so adamant about keeping his own memories from himself.

Loki would think about that later. The sky through the windows was getting progressively darker. The stars that always lined the sky were becoming more defined by the minute.. While he didn’t have a curfew per say he felt that if he wandered through the halls at night he would be pushing his luck. No point having his freedom revoked for a midnight escapade.

_ I probably have time for one more though _ . Loki reasoned. _ Let’s see if Freydis has ever been to a party. _

Loki whispered the spell and twisted his hand. He was suddenly surrounded on all sides by poshly dressed Lords and Ladies. A feeling of claustrophobia instantly enveloped him. Even though he knew he could just walk through them all it still felt a bit too close for comfort.

He wandered off to the side where an empty patch seemed to be. Even though his instincts were telling him to, he tried not to duck and weave between the people. That would have looked very strange to anyone passing by. He shivered slightly as he walked through the imprints. It felt like walking through a spiders web. Not entirely pleasant.

When he reached the wall, he scanned the room and tried to assess what the memory was. He quickly zoned in on his brother towards the top of the room. All of the crowd was facing him. Thor was standing on a raised platform. There was a crown of woven branches on his brow and he had a very smug smile on his face.

“_ Thank you all for coming _ ” Thor bellowed “ _ Now you had all better enjoy yourselves. I don’t want to see a sober person in the room _” 

Several hoots of encouragement and polite clapping was what he got in reply. He was very surprised to note his own voice in the crowd. Cheering in very over the top fashion at his brother.

Thor shot off the stage as soon as he was finished talking. Only to be slapped on the back and handed a drink by a grinning Loki and Fandral.

This was Thor’s coming of age feast. The crown was one that you wore when it was your 500th birthday. It was a silly tradition but everyone still followed it. It was supposed to symbolise strength and long life. Or something like that. 

Loki remembered this day. Or he thought he did at least. He remembered being rather reserved and quiet, keeping to the side lines. Thor had gone off with his friends and left Loki by himself. That made the outburst he’d heard from himself rather strange.

He could already detect the hint of a headache building behind his eyes. Perhaps he was misremembering but he was certain that it hadn’t happened this way.

Loki pushed it from his mind for now, going back to scanning the room instead. He had conjured this memory with Freydis in mind so that must mean…

...His eyes zeroed in on her instantly. She was resplendent in a gown of royal blue. It was accented in silver which made her look like a star. Her and Astrid were dancing, taking it in turns to spin the other.

His mouth dropped open and for a moment all Loki could do was stare dumbly. He was lost for words. When he realised what he was doing he closed his mouth with an audible snap.

She had attended the party?!

She had attended the party-looking like that-yet he still never noticed her? How much of a colossal idiot was he? Was he blind?

Loki was too busy chastising himself to notice a figure stalking towards Freydis. The figure came up behind her and jabbed her playfully in the ribs. Effectively startling her.

When he heard startled shriek his head shot up. Only to be completely blind sided by what he saw.

_ “Loki! Don’t do that” Freydis span around to face his counterpart. _

_ Her face was annoyed but there was a smile in her eyes. _

_ Loki bowed low in front of her, a smirk on his face. He reached for her hand and kissed it gently. “Might I have this dance Lady Freydis?” _

_ Freydis grinned down at Loki. “I thought you’d never ask” _

_ Loki smirked and immediately pulled her into the centre of the room. The sudden motion made Freydis laugh. _

“What!? No! This never...I never.”

His thought process was instantly shut down when a piercing, blinding pain shot through his head. Like someone had taken a red hot poker and rammed it into his skull. Loki’s knees gave out and he found himself on the floor with his head in his hands. Pained sounds escaped him as he tried to get it to stop.

There was a war going on in his head. Of the memory that he knew and the one he had just witnessed. They fought each other to remain in his mind. Never before had any of his memories had to fight each other. His original memory was pushing back in a startlingly unnatural way. It felt like something other. Not him. It reared like a cornered animal and refused to back down. 

His head was like a never ending fire. He couldn’t breathe or think around the pain. Until the spell finally burned through his memory. The foreign feeling retreated but it didn’t seem to be entirely gone.

Loki sank against the floor as the pain subsided. He was left gasping and reeling. His skin was ashen and a cold sweat beaded on his brow. There was now a new memory in his mind that he could recall with perfect clarity. Of the time he had enjoyed a party with his younger brother and asked the prettiest person in the room to dance.

_ What the Hel is going on!? _


	5. Every moment, I start to replace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter. Reviews/comments are appreciated x

How could he have a memory of her? He had never seen her before a few days ago. Yet he now also had a memory of her from over 500 years ago. It didn’t make any sense. He wouldn’t just forget about an entire person. Especially not someone as noteworthy as her. 

And that strange foreign feeling in his head. It had sat there mimicking his own mind. He hadn’t even noticed it until the spell had shone a light on it. Now he could still detect the barest hint of wrongness but it was heavily concealed. It made Loki fearful of what that meant.

Something was going on here. Loki was left feeling like he had just unearthed something that had tried very hard to keep hidden.

Was it magic? Had the spell done this to him? Given him a fake memory. He had been seeing Freydis quite a lot, perhaps this was a side effect of the spell. Like a bleeding effect where she went from one memory to the other. It could happen.

Yet Loki couldn’t believe that that was the case. So far the spell had produced nothing but truthful flashbacks. There had been no hint of fabrications or memories bleeding into one another. This spell revealed the past, simple as that. It didn’t have a mind that could be manipulated.

He couldn’t help but think of the Mind stone. The way it had crashed into his mind and warped his thoughts. It had taken him over a year to sort through all those false memories. He thought that he had finally gotten his own mind back. Had Thanos deliberately cast her from his mind? Could he even do that?

He felt sick at the thought of that Titan reaching into his mind and picking away at his life. 

Also the new memory _ felt  _ real. He could now recall all of it. The sounds, the people. Even the emotions he had been feeling. In retrospect the other memory felt flat. It was vague and subdued. Like it was only a two dimensional image and not a true experience. 

A feeling he had felt before with the memories of Thor on the Bifrost. Thanos had tried to change it in his mind. Whenever he looked back on that fateful night he would remember his brother letting him go, casting him into the abyss. An image that Thanos loved to repeat in his head. It had taken Loki a good while to realise that it wasn’t a true memory. That it was a bit too uncanny to be real.

Loki had only been concentrating on his recent memories, certain that Thanos cared not for the rest of his life. Now he was concerned that there was so much more missing from his mind.

A feeling of disequilibrium swept over him. His mind was in overdrive. Trying to sort through a thousand thoughts in a second. His head pounded with each heartbeat. Loki was still on the floor with his head in his hands. He looked up to find a very startled servant in front of him.

“Your Highness, are you well?” The servant asked shakily “Should I send for a healer?”

“No, no I'm fine,” He said quickly.

Loki climbed to his feet, using the wall for leverage. He didn’t need some scared servant fretting over him.

“Bu..But your…” The servant pointed towards Loki’s face.

Loki drew his eyebrows together. Then he brought his hand up to his face only to find…

_ Good lord, is that blood? _

Blood now clung to his fingers from where he had brushed his chin. His nose must have started pouring when his head felt like it was exploding. A drop ran down his face and landed on the floor.

_ Lovely. _

The servant reached into his pocket and withdrew a handkerchief. “Here take this, your Highness”

Loki reluctantly took the handkerchief from him and brought it up to his nose. It helped to staunch the flow of blood. “Thanks” His voice was muffled from the cloth.

“Are you sure I can’t call for someone?” 

Loki shook his head. “No, I’ll go to the healing quarters myself.”

He made to walk away but then turned back. “Do not tell the Queen about this...episode. She doesn’t need to be informed”

The servant looked like he wanted to object but he bit his tongue. “Of course, your Highness.”

Loki stumbled out of the hall, needing to get away. It felt like someone was beating the inside of his skull and the light from the torches was only making it worse. He scrunched his eyes up to try and negate some of the pain. 

Though it wasn’t as painful as it could have been because the torches had started to dim to their nightly blue shade. The irony wasn’t lost on Loki, after he criticised that very feature not long ago.

Originally he had been planning to just sequester himself to his rooms. But if this headache wasn’t going away any time soon then he would actually have to go to the healing rooms. Obviously he was no stranger to pain but he wasn’t going to suffer through it if he had a choice. Loki changed his direction and began to make his way to the infirmary.

Thankfully, there weren't too many people around. Night had fallen so most were probably holed up in their room. The ones that were around gave him a wide berth. He caught the odd shocked gasp as he shuffled past. Loki tried to take it in his stride and ignore them. 

The offers of help were a little harder to ignore. He just firmly told them that he was fine and kept walking.

Frigga would definitely find out about this. A fact that made Loki want to groan aloud.

Loki walked into the healing rooms. An apprentice behind a desk turned to look at him. You could tell she was an apprentice by her light blue robes. When she clocked who it was she bolted upright.

“My Prince.” Then she noted the blood stained handkerchief he was holding to his face. “Oh..My, are you okay?”

Loki removed the cloth from under his nose. He tried to wipe off any excess blood from his mouth and chin. It was mostly successful but the skin now had an orange tint. He scrunched the handkerchief up in his hand and leaned on the desk.

“Just a headache tonic, please.” Loki wiggled his nose to see if he could remove some of the pressure there.

“Ye..Yes of course. Just let me..” She moved to leave the desk, heading for one of the store cupboards.

“No, Isa, go back to your desk,” came a voice from behind a curtain.

Isa looked up with shocked confusion. A woman came from behind the screen. She was rather tall. With dark eyes and curly hair tied away from her face. She wore a simple dress but the deep purple indicated that she was the head healer.

Eir raised an eyebrow when Isa did not immediately move. When Isa saw that look she immediately complied. “S..Sorry Eir”

Loki fought the urge to roll his eyes. He had hoped that he would be able to avoid her. Obviously he was not so lucky.

Eir walked towards the desk. “We do not just hand out medicine on request, Isa. You know this”

Isa looked hopelessly lost and gestured towards Loki. “But he’s the Prince.” she said in a hushed whisper.

“Yes, but even Princes have to follow the rules” Eir turned to him as she spoke. Ensuring that he knew she was berating him.

Eir examined Loki’s face with her eyes. Then she glanced at the ruined handkerchief in his hand. 

“Follow me, Loki,” she said, turning towards the ward.

Even though he really did not want to, he found his feet obeying her anyway. “I’m fine Eir. I just need a headache tonic”

Eir led him over to one of the beds. “I’ll be the judge of that. Sit”

Loki began to protest but one look from her had him shutting his mouth. He had too much of a headache to argue with her. No one ever really won arguments with her anyway. So Loki plonked himself down on the edge of the bed. It was low enough so that his face was level with hers.

“Would you like to tell me what happened?” Eir stood with her hands on her hips.

“I had a nose bleed.” Loki sighed “That’s all”

Eir reached forward and snatched the bloodied cloth from Loki’s hand. She held it up and gave Loki an unimpressed look. “Oh yes because people bleed from their nose this much all the time. Try again, what happened?”

The palm of her hand glowed a deep purple and the whole cloth was set alight. It burnt to nothing in a matter of seconds.

“That wasn’t actually my handkerchief you just burned” He said.

When she gave him another pointed look Loki gave in. “I don’t know. I just had a blinding headache and got a nose bleed”

“I don’t for a second believe that that’s the whole story but it’s enough for now.” Eir reached for his chin. “Tilt your head back”

Loki’s first instinct was to flinch away from the contact but Eir persisted anyway. She grabbed his chin and moved his face back. With a twirl of her hand, a wet cloth appeared. She wiped away at the last remnants of blood. 

Loki rebelled at the unexpected moisture on his face. It would have appeared like a mother trying to wipe her resistant child's face if anyone was to walk past.

“Right, now I’m going to shine a light in your eyes. Just keep looking at me” 

Then the end of her finger glowed brightly as if it were a torch. She shone the light into each of his eyes. The urge to blink was overwhelming and it was making his headache worse. Spots danced across his vision.

Once she seemed satisfied she put out the light. “You don’t just get nose bleeds for no reason Loki. I’m going to perform some diagnostic spells”

_ For fuck sake I’m going to be here all night. _

The spells weren’t quick. They took at least twenty minutes to get through all of them. His skin felt weirdly tingly from where her magic had been.

Eir poured over the results of the spells and frowned. 

“Well there doesn’t appear to be anything drastically wrong with you, Loki.” Eir said “Though I can’t account for the nose bleed you seem to be in good health”

Then she leaned forward. “Open your mouth”

Loki did as instructed. Only to be surprised when he felt something hard and sweet placed onto his tongue.  _ Did she just give me a boiled sweet? _

“Thanks” he said around the sweet.

It was watermelon flavour. His favourite.

“Now get out of here I’ve got real patients to treat.” She said, crossing her arms.

“Well don’t let me keep you” he said.

Before he went she handed him three phials of headache tonic and told him he could come back when he ran out.

She was a strange woman.

oOo

“ _ These dances are boring _ ” s _ aid Freydis, she appeared to be around 13 years old. _ “ _ I thought we would at least learn something a bit more upbeat _ ”

_ Loki and Freydis stood straight-backed holding their frame. They held each other at arm's length. Other children were doing the same around them. Repeating the steps that Lady Farah was drilling into them. Music was playing from a charmed violin in the corner. It was a slow and somber tune that was sending everyone to sleep. _

_ They were learning traditional dances for an upcoming feast. Loki felt like he would die of boredom before then. _

_ “I heard in Alfheim that they do dances where they throw people into the air” said Loki, He was a couple years older than Freydis. _

_ Freydis gave him a look “I know you did because I was the one who told you.” _

_ “Oh yeah” he grinned. _

_ Loki peered around the room. Children were paired up and stood in rows, swaying from side to side. Some appeared to be enjoying themselves but most were staring off into the distance. Loki turned his gaze to the door. It lay a few metres ahead of him and taunted him with freedom. _

_ “I reckon we should get out of here.” Loki whispered. _

_ “How do you plan to do that?” Freydis tilted her head at him. _

_ Loki thought for a moment. “Do you remember that cloud spell your Father was teaching us?” _

_ Freydis’s eyes lit up “Oh yeah, good idea” _

_ They both waited until Lady Farah had turned around before they attempted their incantation. It was harder to conjure under pressure but they both managed it. Colourful clouds formed all around them and began to spread through the room. Loki’s was green and Freydis’s was blue. When they were both significantly covered Loki grabbed Freydis’s hand and they made a run for it. _

_ The air was a mixture of their laughter and angry shouts. _

oOo

Loki woke up from a deep sleep. Incredibly disoriented and confused. It took a few seconds to realise where he was. A sharp pain shot from behind his eyes as a new memory solidified in his mind.

_ Was that a dream? It felt so real. _

It was like he was there reliving the memory all over again. He remembered Lady Farah trying to teach him how to dance. However, now that he thought about it, the details had been hazy at best. He remembered dancing with some nameless girl. He couldn’t even recall her face. 

The other memory was like an ill-fitting puzzle piece. Not quite gelling with the rest of his mind. Now that memory was replaced by the one from the dream. The puzzle piece slid into his mind seamlessly.

He hadn’t even used the spell to receive this memory. His mind had conjured it for him. Was unveiling the first memory having a domino effect on him?

Loki was trying to wrap his head around this whole situation. He went through all the facts he already knew. Which weren’t many. 

One, he already knew Freydis. Two, something must have happened to make him forget her. Three, he was certain it was magic.

A part of him felt like the mind stone must be involved. However he had a strange suspicion that the Mad Titan wasn’t the one behind it. He couldn’t really understand why he felt that way. Thanos certainly had a track record of fucking with his mind. But he felt like Thanos would have lorded this over him in some way. Would have used it to torment him. Yet as far as he was aware Thanos had never brought her up.

So that meant that someone else might be involved. A stranger. An unknown variable. It was an idea that made him feel infinitely worse.

But who would do something like this? Was it Freydis herself? She did seem to be proficient in sorcery. Maybe something terrible happened and she ran away. Taking the memories with her.

Loki did not like that theory very much.

Someone had tried very hard to erase her from his mind. But was it only his mind? He couldn’t remember anyone mentioning a Freydis Eiricksdottir before. They looked like they had been good friends. Surely someone would have mentioned her, even in passing. Unless people did know and they were hiding it from him.

He needed to find out more. Needed to fill in the blanks of this mystery.

His first port of call would have been to contact Lord Eirick. But the man hadn’t lived in the palace for over 50 years now. He had just up and left and Loki wasn’t entirely sure why.

Which led him towards Frigga’s rooms. He knew that she would be having breakfast right about now. It was usually around this time that she would invite him. However, today she had not. A fact that made Loki slow to a stop when her door came into view.

He had not purposefully seeked out Frigga’s company since his imprisonment. His sudden arrival today would likely spark suspicion. Something that Loki could do without. 

He edged closer towards the door. His hesitant pace did not help him look any less suspicious.

_ This is perfectly normal.  _ He tried to convince himself. _ Just a wayward son walking over to his mother. I’ll just say that I was wandering past. It will look natural. _

When he peered around the door he nearly cursed under his breath. It was like she was waiting for him. With Frigga’s precognition she probably was. Normally he could shield himself from her sight but he must have been slacking recently. She was sitting up straight with a cup of tea in her hands. Her gaze was levelled directly at the door. When she saw him she raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

_ Damn, maybe I don’t look very inconspicuous _ . 

“Loki” She looked and sounded quite happy to see him that it made Loki feel bad. He was only there to garner information but she seemed genuinely happy to see him. 

“What brings you here today, darling?”

“Nothing. I was just walking passed.”

“All the way at the end of the corridor?” Her eyes appeared to be smirking at him.

She had him there. This room lay at the end of the hallway. There wasn’t exactly much to walk passed. It was pretty obvious that he hadn’t just happened upon her accidentally.

“Perhaps”

“Well there is plenty of food here if you wish to join me Loki. I could use the company”

Loki made a show of debating her offer before he made his way over to the table. He sat on Frigga’s right side. 

Loki turned back to Loki. A concerned look had taken over her face. It made Loki feel nervous. Frigga’s hand looked to reach out as if she was going to place it on his arm. Before she thought better of it and brought it back down.

Frigga was quite a tactile person. It was one way that she showed her affection. The fact that she could no longer reach out to her son probably cut her deeply.

“Loki I heard that you had taken ill. Are you okay darling?” She asked.

Loki resisted the urge to scoff and roll his eyes. Of course she found out. Too many people had seen him for her not to. Yet it still annoyed him that she had.

“It was nothing, I’m fine.”

“Eir said that there was quite a lot of blood,” said Frigga.

Of course Eir was the one to tell her. Could the woman ever keep her nose out of his business?

“It was just a nosebleed, nothing to concern yourself with,” Loki said dismissively.

“I still care about your wellbeing Loki. No matter what you think” Frigga said.

Loki didn’t know how to react to that. In a bid for something to do he grabbed a slice of toast and shoved it into his mouth. Frigga raised an eyebrow at the sight of him eating but Loki didn’t see it.

Frigga thankfully changed the subject and began to make idle small talk with him. Loki leaned back in his chair. He had sat with her for a little while trying to work out how to bring up Freydis. 

Frigga would definitely know about her. She was Lady Kala’s child after all and Lady Kala had been one of her closest friends. He needed to see her reaction when he brought her up. He knew Frigga well enough to know if she was lying or not. Or he hoped he did at least.

“Do you remember a girl I used to socialize with?” Loki said. “I think her name was Freydis.” He was tracing the pattern on his goblet and not looking up.

Frigga looked up from her food. “I can’t say that I do. Was she from one of the visiting Realms”

“No. I think she was Lady Kala’s daughter” Loki asked in a casual way. He peered up from under his lashes to assess her reaction.

Her eyes widened in surprise. Then she shook her head “No. Kala never had a daughter. I would have known if she had a child. You two would have probably been friends.”

But then her eyebrows creased together and she looked rather confused. A brief flash of pain shot across her face. Then her face smoothed back out into a smile. “Perhaps you’re mixing her up with someone else”

“You’re probably right. I must have been remembering wrong,” Loki added quickly.

Loki was rather concerned about Frigga’s reaction. A small part of him had wanted to catch her out in a lie. At least then he would be able to get some answers. But Frigga’s reaction was genuine. She couldn’t remember Freydis either. Though there must have been some doubt in her mind for her to react with such confusion. 

This meant that it wasn’t only him that had forgotten Freydis. Did this mean that she was removed from everyone’s mind?

If that was the case then, why? Why would anyone do that? If it had only been him then it would make more sense. He had made many enemies through the years. Any number of them could have attempted this. Though he doubted many of them could actually accomplish it.

But the fact that no one else remembered her either was cause for concern. That meant that this was a lot bigger than he had previously guessed.

Loki was now determined to find out. He was going to investigate the mysterious disappearance of one Freydis Eiriksdottir.

oOo

“ _ Thor, I’m trying to read _ .”  _ Freydis huffed from her seat.  _

_ She was sitting in a cushioned armchair with her legs tucked underneath her. A history book lay open in her hands. Clearly for some kind of school work. _

_ “I’m not stopping you from reading.” said Thor from where he was beating off a shadow with a stick. _

_ The shadow being a conjuration of Loki’s own making. His counterpart was lounging across the floor near to where Freydis was sitting. Books also lay around him, forgotten. Green light danced across Loki’s fingers as he concentrated on the spell.  _

“ _ Well you hitting the air with a twig isn’t exactly helping me concentrate now, is it _ ”  _ Freydis scoffed. _

_ “Firstly, this is a staff and secondly I’m winning” That was until the shadow clocked him around the face. Its fist being more corporeal than Thor had been expecting. _

_ “Ow Loki, you arse” Thor rubbed at his nose. _

_ Loki just laughed and carried on. _

He had been wary to look for more memories. One migraine and a bloody nose was enough for him. Yet he still needed to know. He still needed to find more about her. So Loki had sucked it up and made another attempt. This time conjuring memories with both of them in mind. 

He had braced himself for the sudden onslaught. The burning pain in his skull. However, he found that the new memory was nowhere near as painful to view. It still stung something fierce but it was nowhere near as all consuming. His nose remained blissfully free of blood too.

It would appear that the first memory had broken a dam of some sort. Each subsequent memory was easier to watch. Though he did find some varying differences in the amount of pain each one caused. Most only gave him a brief headache. Yet others caused him to grip his head in his hands. 

As of yet Loki wasn’t sure why there was such a disparity between the memories. 

He had run out of headache tonic within the first two days. Every subsequent visit to the healing rooms had resulted in very disapproving looks from Eir. He was very close to being strapped to a hospital bed if he wasn’t careful. Eir would take no prisoners if she thought he was truly ill.

So far Loki had mainly found memories from when he was young. There were so many memories of them together. Loki had originally thought that she must have been someone he only hung out with on occasion. He felt like it would make more sense. It would be easier for someone to remove her from his head if they were only acquaintances. 

But the truth was the complete opposite. The two of them appeared to be inseparable. His entire life was saturated in her. From the time that they were just about walking they were following each other around. He had watched as his infant self toddled up to her with wide eyes and offered her his toy.

Loki had thought that he had been a lone mischief maker across the palace. Thor would sometimes join him but not too often. However, it turned out that Freydis had been by his side all along. His partner in crime. All the times he was amazed that he had accomplished a prank on his own turned out to be because he wasn’t alone. He had watched as Freydis helped him attach that book to the library door. Setting all the alarms off and causing as much trouble as possible.

It brought Loki up short. If she had been so ingrained into his life, how had she disappeared without a trace?

It also begged the question, were any of his old memories real?

_ Thor had resumed his fight with the shadow. They all looked to be in their mid teens in this memory. So this was before Thor had become a fully fledged soldier, he must have been using this as practice. _

_ “Bow down before me you evil Jotun” Thor mocked. _

Present Loki felt his stomach seize at the outcry. It hit him just as effectively as any blow would. He always knew how Thor viewed Jotuns but it still hurt to hear him say it.

_ Loki wasn’t the only one to freeze at the comment. Freydis’s hands tightened on her book and she pursed her lips. _

“ _ You shouldn’t say that you know _ ” she leveled _ Thor with a gaze. _

_ Thor’s eyebrows crinkled. “Say what? ‘Evil Jotun’?” _

_ “Yeah, my Father says that you shouldn’t generalise. Most of the Jotun aren’t cruel monsters. They’re just people trying to get by.” she said very matter-of-factly.  _

Loki drew in a sharp breath. Before this he didn’t know anyone that would defend the Jotun. Most would either mock them or scorn them. Including him. Yet he never really thought about the average Jotun. Living their life. The only image he ever knew of them was from war. 

“ _ What about all the ones that tried to destroy Midgard? _ ” _ Thor said disbelievingly.  _

_ “Obviously some of them are bad. I just mean that not all of them will be. Father just said that quite a few of them don’t want war” Freydis’s cheeks had deepened to a bright red. _

_ “How does he know?” said Thor _

_ “He was there during the war on Jotunheim. He was just telling me what he saw” Freydis looked away too as if she was embarrassed that she brought it up. _

_ “Oh right.” Thor looked rather uncomfortable with the whole situation _

_ The air became awkward between everyone. Thor looked back at his shadow trainer then back at Freydis  _

_ “Can I still train with the shadow though? I won’t call it a Jotun or anything.” _

_ She grabbed a section of her hair and began to divide it into three. “Of course you can. I was just saying what my Father said.” _

The memory melted away. Just as Loki nearly doubled over. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes to try and dull the pain. It took a few moments before he could straighten back up again. He smoothed out his shirt and acted as if nothing had happened. Thankfully no one was around.

So that was one of the memories that caused more pain than the others. He still couldn’t discern why. It didn’t seem to be that different than any of the other memories he had unearthed.

Unless it was Freydis’s little speech about the Jotuns. He had thought that he had never heard someone say nice things about the Jotuns. Yet he obviously had. 

Perhaps the more a new memory altered his current perceptions the more it hurt. 

oOo

The days passed and Loki found more and more moments between the two of them.

_

“ _ Loki. Loki, I don’t know what to do. _ ” Freydis sobbed “ _ They’re going to send me to the dungeons. They’re going to execute me.” _

_ A very young Freydis was crying in the corner of a room. She didn’t look to be much older than 10.  _

Loki was very concerned for the clearly distraught Freydis. He could not think of a reason that young Freydis would think that she would be sent to the dungeons. Loki was also confused because it appeared like the memory did not include him at all. That was until…

“ _ That seems a bit dramatic don’t you think, _ ”  _ came his disembodied voice from seemingly empty air. _

_ Freydis yelped as the voice was closer than she had previously thought. _

Oh now he knew what this was. It was the time that he had first managed to turn himself invisible. He had been stuck like that for nearly a whole day. Now he realised that it might not have been him to cast the spell.

“ _ I don’t know how to change you back. You’re going to be invisible forever and they’re going to know it was me and they’re going to take me away.” Freydis was nearly hyperventilating. Her little hands were in her hair and if she wasn’t careful she was going to start ripping it out. _

_ One hand was suddenly removed from her head and Loki did not think that it was her that did it. Her hand was cupped as if it were holding another. Loki then gleaned that it was his own hand that was holding hers. His invisible one. _

_ “Don’t let go of my hand please,” She said in a very small voice. “I don’t want you to go missing as well as invisible.” _

_ “I won’t I prom…” His voice was cut off by the door opening. Freydis let out another yelp as it did. _

_ Lord Eirick walked into the room to find his daughter with tears in her eyes. He drew up short at the sight. Then he started to walk over to her. “Freydis what’s wrong? Are you all right?” _

_ “Nothing, nothing. I’m fine.” she said, wiping her tears away. _

_ “Well the Queen and I were wondering if you knew where Prince Loki was. He’s missed dinner.” _

_ Freydis’s tenuous composure broke instantly and she began sobbing again. “I’m sorry daddy I didn’t mean to.” _

_ Eirick, now rightfully concerned, kneeled down and placed his hand on her shoulder. “What did you do?” _

_ “She didn’t do anything. It was my fault.” Loki piped up from next to Freydis’s other shoulder. _

_ Eirick’s eyes flew to the empty space next to him, eyes widening. Then he closed them and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he sighed deeply. “The Prince is invisible, isn’t he?” _

_ “I’m sorry” Freydis hiccuped. _

_ Eirick brought his hands up to Freydis’s face. He gently wiped her tears away. “Right. You need to calm down now. You’re not in trouble. We can sort this out” _

_ Then he shook his head and looked skywards. A bemused smile spread across his face. “Good lord, you kids will be the death of me” _

_

Loki was walking down a corridor that made up a part of the guest quarters. The hour was getting late so there weren't many people around to see him. His eyes drifted across the closed doors and hoped they remained that way. When he reached the end of the corridor his eyes slid past a seemingly empty patch of wall. It always confused Loki why there would be an uneven amount of rooms but he wasn’t here to dwell on that.

His hand shot out to conjure a memory.

_ “Wa’ thata cat!?” Freydis slurred.  _

_ She pointed towards the corner where the corridor swung around. _

_ Loki twisted to where she was pointing. “Wha’ where!?”  _

_ The bottle in his hand glinted in the torch light. Its clear contents spilled over the brim with the momentum of his spin. _

Brennevin, if he wasn’t mistaken. A rather strong spirit. It was supposed to have a taste reminiscent of licorice but whenever Loki tried it it just tasted like burning.

_ Some of the spirit splashed out and landed on Freydis’s dress. She snorted in a very unladylike way and grabbed for the bottle. Then she knocked her shoulder into him. In his drunk state it nearly sent him flying.  _

_ “Y’nearly soaked me, Idiot” Then she took a swig straight from the bottle, wincing from the burn. “Ergh s’gross”  _

They were older in this memory, likely somewhere close to 18. Not quite old enough to be sneaking a bottle of Brennevin between the two of them. 

_ Loki and Freydis were wandering around the corridors, drunk off their face, trying to evade anyone else. They stumbled arm in arm, using each other for balance. _

_ “I wanseecat” Loki mumbled. He burped and then with a clearer voice said “I wanna see a cat.” _

_ “Was over there. Looked so fluffy.” Freydis explained. _

_ She grabbed his arm and started to drag him down the hall.  _

Present Loki made to follow them.

_ When they rounded the corner they saw a black cat splayed out in a patch of moonlight. Freydis gasped as if it was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. They both inched closer as slowly and inconspicuously as they could. And in their current state was anything but.  _

_ Freydis managed to kneel down and pet the cat’s head. Oohing and aahing at the creature. Loki’s journey to the ground was much less successful. He managed to get to his knees but his equilibrium failed him. His body veered to the left and he found himself on the floor in a pile. Every time he tried to get up he would fall back down. _

_ “‘M stuck” he laughed “Frer save me” _

_ Freydis was laughing too. She briefly abandoned the cat to try and lift Loki up by the shoulders. He smiled drunkenly at her but made no attempt to get up. She too ended up sprawled across the ground. They both ended up just laying there, giggling up at the ceiling. _

_

He found so many more memories of her around the palace. It reached a point where his entire day was a blur of flashbacks one after the other. Even his dreams were full of them.

_ “I just don’t get it. _ ”  _ Freydis slammed her head against the table. Her hair was sporting a collection of braids. All different shapes and sizes. She always had a habit of messing with her hair when she was stressed. _

_ “I’m just going to lay here and hope it gets absorbed in” _

_ Books and papers lay scattered across the table. Notes and diagrams of the Aesir body. She was revising for one of her healing exams by the looks of it. _

_ “How many bones are in the hand anyway?” she asked the air. _

_ “At least 3” Loki added helpfully. He was pretending to do his own studying but all of his attention was actually on her. _

_ Freydis turned her head to face him. An amused smile still spread on her face despite how stressed she was. A hint of red coloured Loki’s cheeks when she looked at him.  _

_ “Thank you, oh great font of wisdom” she smirked. _

_

_ They were both sitting in amicable silence. Each had their own book to read. Loki was sitting in his chair. The one on the right side of the window in his room. While Freydis occupied the one on the left. A light breeze blew fresh air into the room. It felt good. It felt Right. _

_ Loki wasn’t even looking at his own book anymore. Instead, his eyes never left Freydis. When she caught him looking a smile slid to her face. Then she stuck her tongue out at him before going back to her book.  _

_ Loki couldn’t help but smile back. _

_

“ _ Like this Loki _ ”  _ Freydis grabbed his hand and tried to show him the correct movement for the spell. _

_ He had been struggling with a particular bit of magic. But now that she held his hand he found it very difficult to concentrate. All he could feel was the warmth from her skin. He didn’t actually take in what she was trying to teach him. _

_ “I think you will have to show me again.” he said. _

_ Freydis just rolled her eyes and smiled at him. _

_

_ “I don’t know why I ever try to impress him, he never cares!” Loki stormed into his room. _

_ Freydis ran in after him. “What happened? Why are you upset?” _

_ “Father. He never cares about me. I just wanted to show him what I’d learned” Loki turned away from Freydis. “He barely even looked at me. I just wanted him to be proud of me” _

_ Loki brought his hands up to his head “Fuck me, that sounds pathetic.” _

_ “You’re not pathetic Loki” Freydis urged. _

_ Then she walked over and wound her arms around him. Burying her face in his chest. _

_ Loki froze as she held him. It took a few moments for him to bring his hands down and wrap them around her. One on her back and the other in her hair. _

_ “I’m proud of you, Loki” She leaned up to try and see him but could only make out his chin. “I think you’re pretty neato” _

_ Loki gave an unexpected laugh despite his somber mood. “High praise indeed.” _

_ Then he leaned his head down and hugged her tighter. The scent of her calming him more than anything else could. _

oOo

With each memory Loki felt himself drawn inexplicably closer to her. With every one he was forming a better picture of her. The way she would snort when she laughed. Or the way she would braid her hair when she got stressed. The smile that could light up a room.

She was his best friend. That was one of the first things that Loki had sussed out. She wasn’t just _ a  _ friend. They had been so much closer than that. They had helped each other and laughed and moaned and argued. Every time he would see another memory of them together the feeling of loss grew. Such a big part of him was missing without her there.

His heart would race whenever he saw her. If she smiled he was done for. All he wanted to do was lean in. To sweep her hair out of her eyes and hold her face. To feel her lips against his own. 

Whenever it happened Loki would scold himself. Was he falling for the imprint of his best friend? It wasn’t even truly her, just snapshots of her through time. Yet he couldn’t help how much she effected him every time he glimpsed her face.

They had been friends. Good friends. But she probably wouldn’t have appreciated the way Loki was thinking about her. It was not very likely that she would have reciprocated his feelings anyway.

His dreams were taken over too. It didn’t matter how many memories he viewed in the day, she would always return to his mind at night. She was everywhere and yet nowhere. He found that his mind hardly ever strayed from her. Anyone who saw him probably thought him mad.

However he had not found anything useful. Nothing to indicate where she had gone or what had happened to her. It was infuriating. With each flashback he felt like he was getting closer to  _ something.  _ But at the same time he wasn’t getting anywhere.


	6. Haunted by the ghost of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with this fic anymore lol. The original work that I'm basing this off has diverged quite a bit so now I'm struggling to think of how to adapt it to be Loki. I'll keep trying and we'll see what happens

He had run out of headache tonic within the first two days. Every subsequent visit to the healing rooms had resulted in very disapproving looks from Eir. He was very close to being strapped to a hospital bed if he wasn’t careful. Eir would take no prisoners if she thought he was truly ill.

One memory had led him onto the training grounds. He was sitting in one of the stands surrounding the ground. If anyone looked on they would think that he was watching the soldiers fight. But if they looked close enough they would see that his eyes were focused on a seemingly empty patch of space.

Most of the guards ignored him and continued with their sparring. A few nodded their heads respectfully while the remainder gave him a dirty look. None of them really looked too closely or cared to look at all.

Loki was currently watching Lady Kala try to teach them how to throw a dagger. 

_ There was a small group of them gathered around her hanging off her every word. It consisted of him, Freydis, Astrid, Thor, and the warriors three. _

_ Kala’s hair was pulled back into tight braids. She was wearing some kind of light armour. Her hands were flipping a blade with expert precision. Then with a sudden twist she embedded it into a target behind her. Right in the centre _

_ Lord Eirik may be a pacifist but Lady Kala certainly was not.  _

_ Kala then handed each of the group their own dagger and told them to have a go. Each with varying degrees of success. While Thor seemed to be the most excited it was Loki that fared the best at the task. _

Loki found himself smiling down at the flashback. Even with the sting building behind his eyes. He was becoming used to the sensation now anyway. 

His attention was ripped away from the scene below him when two newcomers entered the training grounds. When he caught the sight of Thor and Odin walking side by side, Loki cancelled the spell. He had every intention of slipping away before they could see him but it was not to be.

Thor smiled tightly at his brother and tried to wave him over. Loki did not want to go anywhere near Odin but he found himself walking over nonetheless.

“Good morning, brother. How are you today?” Thor asked tightly.

Loki narrowed his eyes and tried to assess if Thor was genuinely asking about him. The idea of it felt wrong. “Fine.”

Thor scratched his ear awkwardly. “Good, that’s good.”

Loki looked between Thor and Odin. “Wow what a truly riveting conversation. I think I’ll be leaving now.”

“Why must you always push those away who show you any care?” Odin said.

Loki laughed. “Are you putting yourself in that category because that’s laughable. The only reason I’m not in the dungeons right now is because of Frigga. Not you. You lost your chance to care when you lied to me my whole life.”

“You dare speak to me that way.” Odin growled.

But Loki was already back inside the palace. His heart was pounding in his ears as he left Odin to his anger. He was playing with fire he knew. If he overstepped too much Odin wouldn’t hesitate to lock him up and throw away the key. But he couldn’t help the cutting words that rose up whenever he looked into Odin’s eyes.

Loki wandered back through the palace. He found himself wandering into a random room. It looked like some kind of drawing room. His hand already itched to perform the Aevum Memoriae spell again.

_ Can you get addicted to a spell?  _ He had a feeling that he needed to start being careful. He didn’t even have to speak the words anymore. He had used the spell that often over the last few weeks that it was all muscle memory. Loki had a feeling that no one had ever used this incantation as much as he had. There had been quite a bit of research in that book but none of them had ever tested prolonged use of the spell. Hopefully he wasn’t going to find out if there were any serious side-effects.

Nevertheless he found his hand glowing green and a memory formed in front of him. When the scene finally coalesced his eyebrows drew together in confusion. 

_ Odin stood in the middle of the room. His hair held very little grey which suggested that this was from a while ago. He sagged against a chair as if all of his energy had left him. Several people surrounded him looking at him with concern. _

_ “Did you do it, Allfather? Is she gone?” Tyr asked. _

_ “Yes,” Odin said after a long moment. “I have trapped her in another realm.” _

_ “And what of...what of her memory?” another lord asked. _

_ “Not to worry, Lord Anders the spell worked. As far as everyone else is concerned Hela never existed. They won’t be able to remember her.” Odin said.  _

Then the memory faded to nothing and Loki was left staring dumbly at the chair that Odin had been in. He had never heard the name Hela but now this explained why. It was the first instance Loki had found with someone directly affecting a memory with a spell.

Could Odin be involved with Freydis’s disappearance?

Loki’s mouth went dry and his pulse skyrocketed. Surely Odin wouldn’t have done something like that.  _ Right _ ? Odin hated him, sure, but did he hate him enough to completely remove his best friend from his memory. He tried to shake the thought away but he found it to be rather stubborn. It landed in his mind like a lead weight and refused to shift. 

Odin was one of the only people he could think of that was strong enough to pull something like this off. Even if he tended not to use magic that often-he did not deign to use frivolous spellwork, the kind he accused Loki of using-the strength of his spellwork was quite unrivalled. The enemies he had flattened with a single spell could attest to that.

No matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, the theory was deepening its roots in his mind.

_ Was Odin the one to blame? _

_ oOo _

Now Loki knew that he could not simply go accusing the Allfather of anything. Not if he liked his head where it was. He was rather attached to it after all. Even if Odin seemed like one of the only people capable of such magic, he needed proof.

That was where the problem lay.

So far Loki had been unable to pinpoint memories. They tended to be an amalgamation of over 1500 years. There was no telling when the memory took place. The older flashbacks were easier to distinguish because Loki could base the year from his age. But once they went fully grown it became harder and harder to distinguish.

Loki needed to figure out exactly when Freydis disappeared from everyone's memories. It could have been 10 years ago, 50 years ago or 200 years ago. If he couldn’t figure out a timeline then he would struggle to piece everything together.

Also, if he did manage to find a memory with Odin acting suspiciously he would like to know that it was linked to this case and not some random plot from before he was born. If he was being honest he felt like the palace would be full to the brim with memories of Odin being questionable. None of which would be particularly helpful to him.

So Loki needed to do some research. Surely there must be a spell that could tell you the date. He knew there was one that could tell you the time that it was. It was mostly used when one couldn’t find a clock. Soldiers tended to use them in the field. 

But it only displayed the time of day and not the date. If there was one for time, though, then surely there should be one for the date. There had to be some airheaded scholar that never knew what day of the week it was. Someone must have invented a spell just for that reason. 

Loki figured that if he could somehow combine that spell with the Aevum memoriae then he would have a guideline. 

That meant a trip to the library. One that he was not looking forward to. He did not wish to find out just how much Ivar had restricted his reading privileges. The man had barred him from most of the library, if he found out he was also not allowed to request books he would be mortified.

Asmund was not exactly pleased to find Loki bounding through the library entryway at the crack of dawn. In fact, Loki saw the man practically deflate with the weight of his sigh. Loki plastered on his biggest smile and sauntered up to the desk. When he got there he leaned on his elbow. 

“Good Morning, Asmund,” 

Asmund remained profoundly unimpressed. “My prince, I don’t exactly have time to be messed around today. So if this is for some of your antics I will not be a part of it.”

Loki certainly did not know why the head librarian wouldn’t have time to run his own library. The man hardly ever did anything so gods knows what he counted as a busy day. He was also annoyed that Asmund automatically assumed he was up to no good. It had been several years since he had pulled any kind of joke in the library.

...Unless you counted setting a fake fire a few weeks ago. But that didn’t count because no one knew that was him.

Loki put his hands up as if surrendering. “I’m simply here for books. I promise.”

Asmund’s suspicion abated ever so slightly but he did not seem trusting. “What books are you requesting, your highness? The King has informed me that some books are restricted for you.”

Loki gritted his teeth. “I wanted some books about time. Specifically about spells that can tell the time and date.” 

“Are you becoming forgetful, my prince. Losing track of days,” Asmund chuckled.

“No,” said Loki, not impressed in the slightest. “I just want to try something. Oh and any books on memory if you have them.”

Asmund’s amused look vanished and his eyes narrowed. He crossed his arms and gave Loki a look. “Nearly all the books we have on the subject of memory were recovered from a hidden room a few weeks back. That wasn’t your handiwork now was it?”

That hidden room had been full of books about memory? Now that was interesting. Why would someone go through the trouble of hiding them all? Unless they didn’t want anyone else to research memories. Maybe if they planned to remove the memory of a particular person for example. 

Perhaps that room was something that he needed to look into.

“I can assure you that I was not involved in that in any way. I’m simply trying to learn about a new subject.” Loki said.

Asmund gave Loki one last look before nodding. Seemingly believing Loki at last. The man went and retrieved several books for Loki. Loki was almost amazed by the speed in which Asmund found everything. But this was his library after all, if he didn’t know where things were he would be a terrible librarian.

Loki left the library with a sizable pile of books. Loki decided to tackle the time books first. Though most of them were more like scrolls than books. He found one that detailed the spell he already knew. Though for good measure he cast the spell just to be sure that he remembered it.

9:37am hovered in the air in glowing numbers. Loki nodded and swiped through them with his hand. They disappeared in a puff of smoke.

He read further on and found a spell that could tell the year. It glowed with bright green numbers on his wrist. The downside was that it could only tell the year rather than the full date but it was better than nothing.

Now the difficult part would be combining it with the Aevum Memoriae spell. The union of different spells could be a very delicate process. More volatile magics were known to backfire quite spectacularly when combined incorrectly.

However it only took Loki a few tries before he was successful in combining the two. He had quite some skill in sorcery after all.

When he finally succeeded he bounced out of his room with the intention of using it. He wandered through the corridors trying to find a good place to start. Only to nearly stumble to a stop.

There in the corridor, right in front of him, was Freydis.

“Freydis?” he said in a small voice.

She was here!

She was walking towards him and he felt like his heart was in his throat. But she didn’t react to his voice or seem to notice him at all. 

But then a servant walked straight through her as if she wasn’t there at all. That’s when Loki realised that it wasn’t truly her. She wasn’t actually here. It was another imprint. Just a memory of her. But that shouldn’t be possible. He had not uttered or even had an errant thought about the spell. Freydis should not have been able to be conjured like this.

_ There were shadows across her face which suggested that this memory took place at night. Her dress was quite elaborate as if she were attending some kind of feast. She also appeared to be upset or angry or both. _

“ _ Why can’t he just be honest with me? _ ” she whispered forcefully to herself. 

_ Freydis stalked past where Loki stood and exited the palace. Walking towards one of the outer gardens. The imprint of her disappeared as soon as she left.  _

The sudden appearance of her had sent Loki’s mind sprawling and he was struggling to catch up. He should have stayed and investigated further but he found himself backing away instead.

oOo

_ The rain had been a surprise. It was the depths of summer and they had not expected the sudden downpour. A late night stroll in the gardens had turned into more of a late night run to shelter.  _

_ It was just him and Freydis. That happened more and more often recently. Just the two of them sharing each other’s company. Most evenings he would find his way to her. She could always make him feel better. No matter what had happened during the day, he found himself smiling around her.  _

_ He was never so happy than when she smiled back at him. It felt like a gift. He had been the one to cause it. It made him feel high, like he was up in clouds and the world was far beneath. All of his problems were miles below. He was just here with her and that’s all that mattered.  _

_ No expectations. No duties. No disappointed glances. It was just the joy in her eyes and the same mirrored in his own. _

_ Freydis reached a wooden awning and dove underneath. Loki was only a step behind. So close that they knocked into each other when they came to a stop. Loki grabbed onto her arms to steady her. It was almost an embrace. _

_ The awning was open on three sides. Rain poured off of each. A curtain of water blocking them off from the rest of the world. It was just the two of them. _

_ Loki felt like the moment stretched on for an eternity. Frozen in time with her smiling up at him and his arms around her. _

_ Her hair was stuck to her face from the rain. The colour darkened from the moisture. It fell over one of her eyes. But Loki wanted to see all of her. Every inch of her perfect face. He reached up to sweep the hair away. _

_ There was a slight tremble to his hand. His fingers traced a line behind her ear as he settled the hair there. The smile had frozen on Freydis’s face and her breath came out shaky. _

_ The world was getting smaller. There was no garden. No rain. Just her. _

_ Loki couldn’t recall the moment he had fallen for his best friend. It was like every moment every instance of her had broken away at his resolve. Every laugh. Every smile. Every annoyed look had worked its way into his heart. Until she was the only person on his mind. _

_ Perhaps his heart had always been hers. From the very first moment his eyes had caught her own. He saw her and knew she was his person. _

_ “Freydis,” he poured everything into that one word. Everything said and unsaid. Everything he was and ever would be. _

_ He wanted to kiss her. Didn’t think he had ever wanted anything more. His other hand reached up to cradle the other side of her face. His eyes grazed her features, mesmerised by the mere sight of her. Before they fell to her lips.  _

_ She didn’t back away. If anything she leaned closer, drawn in like gravity. Her hands gripped his shirt. They, too, were shaking. _

_ Loki closed the distance. It was gentle and soft. It was everything. _

_ He kissed her again. Once, twice a third time. _

_ His heart was a bird free from it’s cage. His breath was shallow. He leaned back to look at Freydis once more. Not far, their noses still touched. Their lips a mere breath apart. _

_ Freydis’s eyes held everything and she looked at him with a new light. _

_ “Loki,” the word was barely a breath against his lips but Loki didn’t think he had ever heard a sweeter sound. _

oOo

Loki shot upright. For a second it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. The pain in his head was blinding. Almost beyond comprehension. 

The dream had pulled him so far under. He was drowning in it. Saturated in it. He had felt every moment of it as if he were reliving it now. Every breath. Every doubt. Every heartbeat. The feel of her lips against his own. 

He had not realised he had been dreaming. All he knew was her. Only her. When the image melted away, like smoke in a breeze, he couldn’t understand why.

He had felt sad every time one of her memories came to an end. But this time. This time wrent his heart in two. She had been stolen from him.

Loki’s mind finally resurfaced. He drew in as much air as he could. It was half sob, half rasp. A small drop of blood fell from his nose. Leaving a trail of red down his chin.

Before he had been confused by her loss. Adrift and angry. She had been his best friend. 

But now.

Her absence created a profound feeling of wrongness. Like a vacuum had taken her place and he was suffocating in it. Never so keenly had he felt her loss until that moment. It hurt. Oh by the norns it hurt. It wasn’t simply the pain in his head, it was like his soul ached.

It wasn’t just a friend he had lost but the other half of his heart. He had fallen for her all those years ago. And now he had fallen for her once more. 

He loved her. From the moment Loki had seen that first memory of her he had known. Known that she was special, that she was someone. Someone he needed to find. He just had not been able to give a name to the feeling.

Tears spilled down his face but he did not notice them. Loki reached a trembling hand to his own lips. The ghost of a kiss still clung to them.

_ Where are you? _

oOo

Loki did not find anymore sleep after the dream. His mind refused to stop its whirring machinations. It replayed the moment over and over. Almost like if he thought of it enough the memory would spring to life once more. She would be here in front of him, whole and happy.

Obviously the rational side of him knew that it was foolish. Foolish to dwell on the memory this deeply. He would become lost in it if he wasn’t careful. But his brain was in a losing battle against his heart.

By the time the sun had crested over the distant mountains, Loki had developed a new gritted resolve. He needed to find Freydis no matter what. He needed to discover the truth.

He realised that he needed to find that spontaneous memory from yesterday. The one that had shown up out of nowhere. He was stupid to leave it behind. The implications of its appearance were concerning. It meant that the spell had taken on a mind of its own. Loki’s overuse of the spell was causing it to react in unpredictable ways. 

But at the same time he felt like it might be a turning point. It could happen again with more memories. What if he was shown things that he wouldn’t have thought to look for? It might be what he needed to find her.

Loki didn’t even realise a memory had formed in front of him until he nearly walked straight into it. He felt the tingling of magic graze his arm and he stepped quickly away from it. 

Several people gave him confused and concerned looks out of the corner of their eyes. Loki stared stubbornly back at them as if daring them to say anything. None of them had anything to say apparently and most scarpered off. 

When Loki turned to see what this strange new memory was he only grew more concerned.

It was Lord Eirik and Frigga talking in hushed whispers. Loki had to get closer to really hear what they were saying. When he did he realised that they were arguing.

_ He had never really seen Eirik so out of sorts. His face was gaunt and the circles under his eyes were nearly black. His eyes held such pain they were hard to look at. Gone were his fancy robes and in their stead was a simple tunic and trousers. At first Loki hadn’t even recognised him. _

_ Frigga did not look great either. She looked sorrowful and exhausted.  _

_ “You cannot truly be thinking about going through with this.” she said. Her teeth were gritted in anger. _

_ “I’m the reason she’s dead! _ ” _ he cried. It sounded so much louder after their whispering. _

_ His face fell into his hands and he let out a sob. “I’m the reason she’s gone.” _

_ No! _ Loki felt like ice had been injected into his veins. His heart beat rose to a fever pitch.  _ He’s not saying what I think he is, is he? Not Freydis. She can’t be dead. She can’t! _

It was insane how quickly panic had grabbed him in a stranglehold.

_ “Kala’s death was your fault Eirik. None of this is _ .” _ Frigga said _ . “ _ And what are you going to do about your daughter? Leave her to fend for herself? _ ”

Loki’s breath came out in a gust. It wasn’t Freydis that had died. It wasn’t Freydis. This must have been from when Freydis’s mother was killed. Though Loki thought she was killed by a group of Jotuns. How could her death have been Eirik’s fault?

_ “She’s better off without me. Everyone is. I will just bring them death. Freydis will understand. She already despises me.” Eirik said. _

Eirik was planning on leaving? Without his daughter? That concept did not fit well with what he knew of Eirik. He was a good man. Surely he would never truly plan to abandon Freydis.

_ “Stop this!” Frigga was uncharacteristically angry. There was a fire burning in her eyes. Somewhat literally too as her magic was causing her eyes to have an orange glow. “Freydis does not hate you. She is terrified! You cannot leave her like this. She needs you now more than ever. I know you are mourning. I know you blame yourself but if you turn away now you are disgracing Kala’s memory.” _

The imprints vanished in front of his eyes. It took a few seconds for Loki’s mind to catch up with itself. The memory had been so unexpected it left him feeling bewildered. He was also certain he had witnessed something important. 

Eirik had been planning on leaving. Perhaps he had changed his mind and took Freydis with him. She could have left with him and that was why she was no longer here. It made sense.

Only not really. Eirik had still lived in the castle up until 50 years ago. He didn’t know the exact date but he knew that Kala had died a while before that. He swore at himself for not thinking to use the spell he had found with that specifically in mind.

Loki shook his head and filed away this new spontaneous memory. He would have to ponder what it meant later and figure out where it fit in this mystery. Instead he began to walk back towards his original destination. Trying to find that memory from yesterday.

It didn’t show up on its own this time. When he walked down to that corridor he half expected the imprint to be playing on a loop. So he had to conjure it himself instead.

She was the same as he remembered her from the day before. Beautiful but upset. 

He actually remembered to cast the dating spell this time. So when he looked down at his wrist he saw the numbers 1963 staring back at him. 50 years ago. Around the same time that Eirik had stopped living in the palace. That couldn’t be a coincidence.

It would also explain his disappearance. If she was taken from his memories 50 years ago then he would no longer have a reason to really stay. He wasn’t a born Lord and as far as he would know his wife had died and he did not have a child to stick around for.

By the norns the man had lost a daughter and he didn’t even know. 

Loki suddenly felt a desperate need to contact Eirik. To tell him the truth and ask for his help. If only so he wasn’t alone in all this. But he had no idea where he was living now. Eirik hadn’t exactly left an address for them to find him.

The imprint of Freydis walked past him once more.

_ “Why can’t he just be honest with me?” _

Who wasn’t being honest with her? 

He had a feeling that this memory must be important. If it just showed up out of nowhere for him to see then it was probably worth paying attention to. But logically speaking it was more likely for it to be a completely random fragment of time. A side effect of a complex magic. However he couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to concentrate. To really look closely at the memory.

She was quite pale, he realised. Paler than he was normally used to seeing her. A detail he had not noticed yesterday. Freydis’s hand went to her head and she leaned heavily against the door as she made her way out.

Was she ill in some way? Is that what he needed to see? Loki did not wish to discover that some illness had taken her away. But it made just as much sense as the rest of his theories. 

Though it wouldn’t explain her complete eradication from everyone’s minds. That felt more sinister and unnatural than an illness.

Loki tried to glean as much as could from the memory. Though he couldn’t get much more. He needed to be able to follow her. To chase her into that garden. But when he reached his hand to the doorway he could feel the faint vibration of an invisible barrier blocking his way. He couldn’t get out there if he tried.

Loki tensed his jaw and stepped back. He would have to leave this memory and search for others. 


	7. Cold sheets, Oh where's my love

More spontaneous memories appeared to Loki unbidden. With no hint or sign of any kind, they just materialised fully formed in front of him. Sometimes it would take a few seconds for him to register that they weren’t real. 

People probably thought he was going crazy by now. He certainly felt like he was. Each day sent him spiraling further away from sanity.

He would find them walking together. Freydis and him. Hand in hand through the corridors. He discovered the secret kisses they shared while no one was looking. Sweet and chaste. A kiss goodbye. A heartfelt hello. His heart would ache every time he saw them. Oh how he longed to be in his memory’s place.

In one particular memory a simple kiss led to a little more.

_ Loki cradled her face with both hands. He looked into Freydis’s eyes and then back down to her lips. Then he covered them with his own in a soft kiss. A goodnight kiss like they always did. Only this time he deepened it. His hands going into her hair and his body gravitating to her own. _

_ She answered in kind, with a soft moan. The sound only urged them both on. One of her hands drifted to his face and the other clutched the front of his shirt. It was like they forgot the hall around them like they couldn’t kiss each other fast enough.  _

_ Freydis gasped into his mouth when they backed into a wall. His hands wandered down her back to her hips. To feel her curves. To crush her to him. Like he needed to feel every inch of her. _

_ When Freydis’s face suddenly swept to the side, Loki’s lips didn’t stray far. He kissed a trail across her jaw and then down the line of her neck. She gasped when he gently grazed the juncture of her neck with his teeth. _

_ But Freydis was no longer only concentrating on Loki. Though he was probably making it a lot harder for her to do anything but. Not as he worked his way back up her neck. Her eyes were alarmed and she looked down the corridor. _

_ “Loki I think I heard someone.” she half-whispered half-gasped. _

_ Loki froze and paused briefly as if he was listening. Only to lean back in and plant a kiss just below her ear. “Let them find us.” _

_ Her eyes fluttered closed and she leaned into it. Though she came to her senses a couple of seconds later. She gently pushed him away and Loki leaned back without a fight. _

_ “You know we can’t do that,” she said. _

_ Loki looked into her worried eyes and smiled softly. “I know. You’re right.” he conceded “I just can’t help how profoundly kissable you look.” _

_ “Well I do apologise” she smirked back. _

_ A mischievous grin spread across Loki’s face and he surprised her with one last kiss. He crushed his mouth to hers in a way he knew would leave her breathless and with a racing heart. _

_ Then, just as quickly, he broke off the kiss and spun away. Retreating down the corridor. Leaving her reeling against the wall. _

_ “You’re such an idiot,” she said with a shake of her head. Though he could detect the laugh in her voice and the fondness in her eyes. _

In another memory it was  _ her _ dragging  _ him _ away. 

_ A hand shot out from behind a tapestry and grabbed an unsuspecting Loki. The strangled noise he made was rather funny as he was pulled into a hidden alcove.  _ Present day Loki peeled back the tapestry to reveal a very daring display of public affection.

He coughed pointedly and let the material fall back against the wall. That wasn’t something he should be looking at with bystanders around. Even if they couldn’t see it. He tried to ignore how warm it was all of a sudden.

His dreams were also full of her once more. He was beginning to think that they were worse than the imprints he saw in the light of day. Mostly because they felt so much more real. Like he was experiencing them all over again. Every time he woke he would be disoriented and confused as to why she wasn’t there.

_ Loki was sitting back in his chair with a book perched in his lap. A book that he had long stopped trying to actually read. She sat directly across from him. Her knees brought up to her chest. She was engrossed completely on the sketch book balanced on her legs. Every now and then she would gaze up at him appreciatively before making some more careful lines. _

_ There was a smile on Loki’s face and a lightness in his eyes as he looked at her. He saw the way her hair was coming out of her braid at odd angles. The way she had smudged pencil marks on the side of her nose from where she had scratched it earlier. He saw the way her lips pursed in concentration. He saw her and loved all of it. _

_ Several times she had chastised him for moving so he remained diligently still. Content to pretend to read and wait for her to finish. He would catch her smirking to herself occasionally and he had to fight the urge to ask her what she was doing.  _

_ Then finally she seemed satisfied with her creation. She put her legs down and stared at the drawing. At first she seemed pensive but then a huge grin split across her face. She began to practically break down in laughter. Almost to the point that there were tears in her eyes. _

_ “I think this is the best thing I’ve ever created in my life,” she howled. _

_ “Well now I’ve really got to see.” Loki stood up from his chair. _

_ At first Freydis held the drawing close to her chest, laughs still shaking her body. She quickly relinquished it when Loki went to tickle her ribs. What was revealed was truly something spectacular. An art piece for the ages. He didn’t even know if it could be considered a portrait when it only vaguely resembled a person. _

_ Loki burst out laughing “Wow, that’s amazing. A true work of art.” _

_ “I think we can safely say that my drawing skills leave a lot to be desired.” _

_ Loki leaned in close with a smile before kissing her. “Nonsense, I will treasure it always.”  _

The memories seemed to find him faster than they ever had before. Relentless and unstoppable. Though he doubted he would have the strength to stop them. The idea of letting them go was terrifying. He would wake up in a cold sweat and struggle to get his breathing under control. He could never let her go when right now it felt like this was all he had. 

_ Loki and Freydis were sparring together. They had the courtyard pretty much to themselves. But there were still a few people lingering around the edges. It started off with some gentle warm ups. Deflecting and attacking moves. They circled each other with grins on their face. _

_ Until they began to escalate. Throwing riskier moves into the mix. Freydis feinted to her left and then kicked out with her right leg. She didn’t retract it quick enough. Loki looped his arm around it and held it close. Freydis’s leg was firmly in his grasp. He only needed to push forwards to have her flat on her back. _

_ Loki knelt down next to her and spoke in a low voice. “Freydis, I thought you knew better than to leave yourself so exposed after a kick.” he made a show of looking around before leaning close and grinning. “Someone might think that you wanted me to get you on your back.” _

_ Freydis didn’t so much as blush. Instead a mischievous smile spread across her face. Before Loki knew it her leg wrapped around his and sent him sprawling. Their positions were reversed and it was Freydis looming above him instead. She straddled his hips and held his arms down. _

_ “Maybe you should spend less time flirting and more time fighting,” she said. _

_ “Why should I? I think I quite like it down here.” _

_ Freydis rolled her eyes and climbed off him. Offering a hand to help him up. _

Loki needed to find her. He was getting desperate. The longer he went without her the more he pined. He longed to be close to her once more. To feel her warmth. To smell the scent of her skin. All the things that a simple memory could not provide.

He heard her first ‘I love you’ whispered into the night. 

Loki had been returning to his room after a long day. He was worn out and exhausted. His mind could only take so much at once. He needed a break. A chance to breathe. To take just one second without Freydis being thrown in his face. But it was not to be. As soon as he entered the room he noticed a doppelganger asleep on his bed. 

_ An imprint of Freydis entered the room from behind him. Tiptoeing over to Loki’s sleeping form. He was shocked back awake when she shook his sleeping form. He was on his feet in an instant. Not caring or noticing that he had gone to bed shirtless. His hands went to hold her arms. As if she were the only thing anchoring him. _

_ “Freydis” he breathed “What are you doing here?” _

_ The colour of her cheeks deepened to a bright red and she smiled up at him. It was a smile that he could never resist reciprocating.  _

_ “I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep until I told you” _

_ “Told me what?” Their faces had drifted closer and the breath of his words fanned out across her face. _

“ _ I love you, Loki. So much that I felt like I was going to burst unless I told you. I love you” The words were whispered with such young excitement and adoration.  _

Loki felt his chest constricted tightly when he heard those words. He struggled to breathe around it. The impact of them had him sinking into a chair. He watched as the imprint of him repeated the words back to her and leaned down for a kiss. The memory melted away and Loki was left trying to calm his own racing heart. 

How could three simple words affect him this greatly? 

Those words made him feel powerful, like he could accomplish anything. He felt so weightless and free. Yet he also felt cast out, alone in a starless night, with no way of getting back down. It was simultaneously blissful and painful. A bittersweet relief. She had loved him as much as he loved her. Yet it only seemed to make her absence that much more unbearable.

They had hid their budding relationship, he discovered. Seeking each other out in private moments. Clandestine meetings in secret places. They only ever kissed when they were alone. Only declared their love when there were no prying eyes.

At first he had been confused. Why would they hide? Right now Loki would want to shout his love from the rooftops. To let the world know that he loved this woman. Surely he had wanted to do the same in the past.

But when he had looked up the year on his wrist he suddenly knew why. 100 years ago. That’s when most of these memories took place. He had still been betrothed to Audhild at that time. Still condemned to take her as his wife. And Freydis was more than likely still betrothed to Dyr too. 

If they had been discovered, god knows how much trouble they would have been in. Odin would have skinned him alive for even daring to disrespect his wishes in such a way. Perhaps he had.

oOo

_ “Loki, I can’t do this anymore!” Freydis cried _

Loki shot awake in a daze. Only to find a distressed Freydis standing near his bed. 

_ Her arms were crossed over her body, holding herself together. Tears had begun to form in her eyes. The shock of seeing her had him quickly climbing out of his bed. He backed up until he hit his wall. _

_ “Freydis, what do you mean?” The imprint of Loki approached Freydis with trepidation, reaching a hand out towards her. _

_ Freydis backed away from Loki and looked up to the ceiling as if she was trying not to let her tears fall. _

_ “All the secrets and the lying. I can’t do it.” Freydis shook her head “We can’t just stay like this forever. Hiding from the rest of the world.” _

_ “It’s not forever it’s just-” Loki started. _

_ “It’s just what Loki?” she snapped “You’re still betrothed. Hel, so am I, technically. I haven’t officially terminated my betrothal with Dyr yet.” _

_ Loki stepped forward again. Freydis didn’t back up this time.  _

_ “I will never marry Audhild. I don’t care what my father says,” Loki scoffed. _

_ “But you are a prince Loki. And your father is the King. What he says means a great deal. We’re not just some common folk that could run away together. There are real consequences to what we’re doing.” _

_ Loki reached up to cradle Freydis’s face with his hands. “But I love you. I don’t want to lose you.” _

_ Freydis gave him a shaky smile. A tear finally broke free and fell down her face. “I love you too but you’ve got to see that this can’t end well for either of us.” _

The memory faded into nothing. Loki felt all the breath leave his body and he was left staring dumbly at the empty space it left. It took a moment for his tired mind to fully absorb what the memory meant. There was a chance that Freydis had left him. It left him feeling deflated.

Freydis was right. Their secret relationship would have been dangerous. He couldn’t see how they could have come out on the other side of it. Loki had been the crown prince and Freydis was the daughter of a lesser Lord and Lady. Her father had not even been born into his Lordship he’d been married in. She was not the type of person Odin would have let him be with. Odin cared too much about his image.

Loki needed to find out more.

At this point he had begun to let his instincts guide him towards memories. His body had started acting unconsciously. Some innate part of him seemed to know where to lead him, where to stop and which memory to pick out. That’s because a part of him knew where the memories were, what the memories were. They were just buried so deep he couldn’t consciously access them.

So he let his mind drift and his feet guide him where they may. They led him towards one of King’s studies. Where Odin would often hold meetings with the Lords and Ladies of the court. When he realised where he was he hesitated. This was one of Odin’s personal rooms so if he found him in it he would be in a world of trouble. But on the other hand it could be an opportunity to find useful information.

As far as he knew, Odin wasn’t anywhere near. The staff would be more frantic if he was. Loki could probably risk a quick peek inside.

He hung back a bit as a few people drifted by. As he wasn’t dressed like typical royalty most people simply glided passed without even glancing his way. He tried to nod politely at the ones who did look.

Once the corridor was empty he dove towards the door. As soon as his hand enclosed around the handle he felt a strong tingle of magic wrap around it. He drew his hand back quickly, fearful that there was some kind of curse on the door. Only to find that the door had opened.

It was an identity charm he realised. To ensure that only authorised people could enter a room.  _ I’m still keyed into the door?  _ That seemed like a huge oversight on Odin’s part.

Not wanting to be in the open any longer, Loki quickly entered the room and closed the door behind him. It was ominously dark which didn’t help his nerve. The sudden silence hung heavy around him. The room was spelled so that no outside noise came in. It only served to accentuate the sound of his heart racing in his ears.

_ Right, I need to find a memory and get out.  _ The longer he lingered the bigger chance for him to get caught.

With a click of his fingers the torches flared to life around him. Even with the lights on he did not feel any better about being in here. If anything he only felt more exposed. He had only ever been in here when Odin was with him. It would have felt wrong, being in here alone, years ago. Nevermind now that he was technically a prisoner.

Loki did not delay any further and conjured a memory. He let his mind drift and his hand move on its own accord. When his hand stopped and the image formed he knew that his instincts were still working in his favour.

_ Loki stood in the middle of the room with his head down. The tightness of his jaw and the shake in his hands indicated a barely concealed anger. _

_ Odin on the other hand was doing nothing to conceal his. His face was bright red and his eyes were burning. He was trying to get into Loki’s face. _

_ “How long, boy?” Odin shouted “How long has this been going on behind my back?” _

_ “Does it matter?” Loki grit his teeth. _

_ Odin backed up “You insolent little-Of course it matters.” Odin pointed a large finger into Loki’s face. “You will end this childish farce of a relationship.” _

_ Loki finally looked Odin in the eyes. “No,” his voice was strong and unwavering. As if no force of nature would ever change his mind. _

_ “No?” Odin sputtered. “This is not a request, Loki. So help me I’ll-” _

_ “Do what? What will you do,  _ father _ ?” Loki spat out the last word. _

_ Odin did not deign Loki with an answer. Instead he steered the conversation in a different direction. “Not only are you disrespecting me, you are disrespecting Lord Tyr and you are disrespecting this Kingdom” _

_ Loki had had enough it seems. He stood up straighter and made a beeline for the door. “It may come as a surprise to you but I don’t care about anyone’s opinion. Not anymore.” The last sentence was said under his breath.. _

_ “You will regret this!” Odin shouted to the retreating Loki. “Do you hear me? You will regret this!” _

Freydis had been right then: they were found out. Their relationship was discovered and Odin demanded they stop. Loki had stood there with gritted teeth as he watched Odin throw threats at his counterpart. He wanted to scream at the poor excuse of a father. How dare he.

He said that Loki would regret disobeying him. What if he had? What if Odin had retaliated and gotten rid of Freydis entirely?

_ It was him. It has to be.  _ Odin was the reason that Freydis was gone. Nothing in that moment could convince him otherwise.

oOo

_ The cotton pad stung against his cheek and he sucked in a sharp breath. It was soaked in an antiseptic solution that made the cut burn. Loki grit his teeth as Freydis not so gently cleaned up his wounds. _

_ “If you can’t handle me healing them, then you shouldn’t have gotten them in the first place,” Freydis said in an exasperated huff. Her tone made it sound like she was annoyed with him but her eyes told a different story. They were almost grateful. _

_ A few of his injuries were caused by some particularly nasty curses. It meant that Freydis couldn’t use her magic to heal them. She had to do it the old fashion way instead. So the process was long and rather painful. _

_ “I did this for you, you know,” Loki said. _

_ Freydis’s eyes softened as she looked down at Loki. “I know you did.” _

_ It had been a good while since Loki had actually seen Freydis. Ever since that damn guard had seen them share a kiss. The guard had gone straight to his father. He hadn’t even had time to come up with a reasonable story before he was dragged before the king.  _

_ Freydis had been terrified. What she had predicted had come true. They were discovered and his father was beyond furious. At first Loki had feared that his father would send Freydis away. Somewhere that he wouldn’t be tempted by her. But as of yet he hadn’t doled out any kind of punishment. Something that made him fearful of what his father had planned. _

_ Freydis had kept away. In hopes of diffusing the situation between Loki and his father. She had said that it was for the best but he didn’t think it was. He had just been miserable and lonely without her. _

_ So when he had found her crying by herself he had not known what to think. He ran over to her in an instant, enveloping her in his arms. She hadn’t even cared that they were in a public place. Instead she only gripped him tighter. _

_ He guided her away from the questioning gazes of those around them. Glaring at the guards as he passed. Just daring them to say anything. To do anything. Thankfully, they did not try to stop him. _

_ It took awhile for him to calm her down enough to tell him what was wrong.  _

_ “It was Audhild,” she had said. _

_ Loki’s anger had reared up like a caged beast. His so-called betrothed had upset the person he truly cared about. _

_ “What did she do?” he spat through his teeth. _

_ “She cornered me. Screamed at me. Called me a whore. You know, the standard.” she said. “She was saying that she will make my life a living hell. Something about letting me rot in the dungeons for even daring to touch her prince.” _

_ “And that upset you?” _

_ “Gods no, I laughed in her face. But then she started talking about my mother.”  _

_ Now Loki understood why she had gotten upset. Her mother was an incredibly sore spot for her, having died a few years earlier. _

_ “She was saying about how disappointed she would be and how I must be a truly awful healer or I just didn’t care enough to save my mother” a sob broke through and Freydis was crying again. _

_ Audhild was heartless and disgraceful. Freydis had tried to calm him back down but she had been unable to reach him. He had charged straight from that room with a rage fire burning through him. Determined to find Audhild. _

_ “I told you that I handled it.” Freydis said as she dabbed some kind of cream onto Loki’s face. It was cool against his heated skin. _

_ “I know you did,” Loki laughed “I should probably listen to you more.” _

_ Loki had not been sure what he planned to do once he eventually found Audhild. However, when he did, he froze in place and any ideas he’d made had flown out the window. At first he wasn’t entirely sure what he had walked in on. There was just a lot of screaming. It took a few moments for him to even recognise Audhild in the chaos. _

_ Her skin was completely covered in angry red pustules. Audhild was in hysterics and scratching at them. Her brother was trying to calm her down with very little success. As soon as Dyr saw Loki standing there he rounded on him. _

_ “You better tell Freydis to watch herself.” Dyr spat, literally. A drop of spit had landed on Loki’s face. “That traitorous bitch. She was supposed to be mine. If she knows what’s good for her she should be begging for my forgiv-.” _

_ The punch landed before Dyr had even stopped talking. None of them held back. It wasn’t like when he was fighting with Arkyn. He genuinely wanted to hurt Dyr. But even he held back on using curses. Not that Dyr had the same hesitation. He threw a dark slicing spell at Loki and even tried to burn him. _

_ They weren’t strong spells, thankfully. So Loki returned fire with his own magic. Eventually rendering the man a groaning mess on the floor. When Dyr stopped fighting back so did Loki. He didn’t stoop as low as Dyr had, he didn’t need to. One last glare was all he gave him before limping away to find Freydis. _

_ He didn’t want to go to a healer, he wanted to go straight to her instead. But when he returned to her, battered and bruised, she made him sit in a chair while she tended his wounds. _

_ So he sat there with his shirt off, revealing several fresh injuries. She diligently and methodically treated each one. Some she could use her magic on. He could still feel his skin tingling from where her magic had been. But others she had to let heal naturally so she wrapped them in bandages. All that was left was the cut on his face. _

_ Freydis reached up to touch it. But Loki captured both of her hands before she could. His eyes heated up as he gazed longingly back at Freydis. With deliberate slowness he placed a kiss onto one of her palms. And then the other. Then he placed a kiss on the inside of each of her wrists. He felt her pulse jump beneath his lips. _

_ Loki released her hands and climbed to his feet. His hands immediately drifted towards her face. Looking into her eyes, Loki was certain that he had never been more in love with her than he was right then. Her beauty was enough to make anyone breathless. _

_ “I would do anything for you, Freydis.” Loki said “That includes defending you and punching assholes in the face.” _

_ Freydis let out a soft laugh and he could see a light in her eyes. _

_ “I would go anywhere, do anything or be anyone you needed me to be. You could be somewhere that I had no hope of ever following but if you needed my help I would find a way to get to you.” _

_ “Loki” Freydis breathed. _

_ “I love you. I never want to spend a day without you.”  _

_ He thought he would be panicking-that his heart would beat like a hammer against his chest-but he was perfectly calm. He had never been more sure of himself as he sank down onto one knee. _

_ Freydis gasped and her cheeks heated up. _

_ “I don’t care when. I don’t care how. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So will you marry me Freydis Trygg?” _

_ “Of course I will, Loki” Freydis said through teary eyes. _

oOo

Loki didn’t gasp awake. He simply opened his eyes and stared numbly at the ceiling. Just watching the shadows drift across it. He felt so empty. So lost. It was like his dreams were real life and when he woke up it was a nightmare. 

His hand drifted out of its own accord. Along the empty space next to him. Seeking a warmth that he knew it would not find.

Had he truly married her? After all the trouble they had been in had he found a way for them to be together? Was she his  _ wife _ ?

The word was painful to even think. It spoke of everything he had longed for and everything he had subsequently lost.

Loki wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to move again. He just felt so tired.

“ _ What are you waiting for, Loki? You're going to miss it. _ ” Freydis’s voice shocked him into sitting up.

_ An imprint of her stood at the foot of his bed. She placed a cloak around her shoulders and began to move towards the door. There was no version of Loki that he could see, it was only her. When she turned back around and said “Hurry up” he had a distinct feeling she was talking to him. _

Nevertheless he was on his feet in an instant. He just about threw on a shirt as she left the room. His feet were still bare but he could hardly feel the cold stones below them. When he opened the door he found that the imprint of her had dissolved. 

For a second her absence winded him. Left him feeling like a fool for chasing a memory. Until he heard her voice again from down the hall. 

_ “I bet you can’t catch me.”  _

This was a different memory. From when she was a child. She smirked deviously before running down the corridor. Loki had just enough mind to cast a spell to render him unnoticeable. The last thing he needed was for some guard to catch him half crazed and running down corridors.

So he chased her. It was only ever her that appeared. Each time an imprint would dissolve another would take its place. A different memory from a different time. They all seemed to be leading him somewhere. But he wasn’t aware enough of his surroundings to notice where he was. Outside the windows the darkness hung heavy. Not even a hint of starlight broke through the thick clouds.

He followed her. Like a beacon of light leading him through the dark. She called to him and he answered. 

Until he rounded a corner and came up empty. No more memories materialised. He looked around him and down the hall. Trying to find any sign of her. He was getting close to giving up and heading back. 

_ “So you finally got what you wanted then,” _ Odin’s voice appeared from somewhere behind him.

Adrenaline shot through his body. Freezing it in place. He thought for sure that he had been caught. When he spun around though, he was confronted by only an imprint of Odin. He was speaking to an imprint of Loki. They were both standing by the door that led to the great hall.

_ “Oh don’t start this now,” Loki said. _

_ Both of them were dressed impeccably. With their decorative armour. Decked out in Asgardian colours. It was something that would only be worn for the most special of occasions. _

_ “I can’t exactly do anything now can I?” Odin let out a gruff laugh “For Norn's sake, Loki you’ve already married her.” _

_ “Then what is this conversation for exactly? I do have a wedding I need to be attending.” Loki indicated to the closed door that led to the great hall. _

The breath stuck in his throat as he processed what was being said. They  _ were _ married. Freydis was his  _ wife _ . 

_ Odin shook his head. “You may think otherwise, Loki but I do still care for you. Even after all the trouble you cause me on a near daily basis. You are my son.” _

_ Loki looked towards Odin expectantly. Waiting for him to get to the point. _

_ “You fought hard for her. There's no denying that. If you were a lesser man we would not be standing here. I can’t help but respect that. I wish you the best, Loki. I hope she makes you happy.” Odin patted Loki on the arm. _

_ Then Odin opened the door and entered the hall. Leaving Loki outside. _

_ “She will.” Loki whispered to himself before following after him. _

Loki stared at the closed door as his counterpart disappeared through it. The ache in his head grew as the memory solidified in his mind. 

That whole encounter had made no sense. Odin was the one that had taken Freydis from him. He had been so certain. It was the only thing that sounded logical. Odin had been against his relationship with Freydis. He had the ability to remove memories. Odin had screamed at Loki saying how he would regret disrespecting him. Loki couldn’t see how it could have been anyone else.

But if this memory was correct then Odin had forgiven him. He had wished him the best with no hint of insincerity in his voice. They had somehow convinced him to let them get married. Not a runaway wedding but a ceremony. One for the whole Kingdom to witness. Loki struggled to reconcile that fact with the man that had imprisoned him and bound his magic.

If it wasn’t Odin, then Loki was back to square one. He had no clue who else it could be. Who else would be cruel enough to remove Freydis from everyone's lives? He wanted to tear his hair out at how much progress he had lost.

He assumed that this was what the imprints of Freydis were leading him to. To tell him that he was focusing on the wrong person. He truly felt like the spell was trying to help him. It shouldn’t be. The magic was inanimate and shouldn’t have a mind of its own. But Loki couldn’t help but feel that there was some greater force at play here. Desperately trying to aid him. To lead him in the right direction.

Loki was about to call it a day and head back to his room. Only something stopped him. The sound of a latch. His head was immediately drawn back towards the door to the great hall. It now lay open where Loki knew it had been closed. Bright light spilled out from within the hall, even though it was the dead of night. There was also music coupled with laughter.

Loki wasn’t strong enough to resist.

He squinted against the light as he entered the room. When they adjusted he found himself in a celebration. Everyone was dancing and smiling. Dressed in their finest clothes. He could hear and see everything. He even thought he could smell the roasting meats at the tables and the perfumes from the ladies necks. Never before had he been so immersed into one of the memories. It was more like a waking dream.

And at the very centre of all of it was her. She had a white gown with long sleeves made of delicate lace. Colourful flowers were artfully braided into her hair and her bridal crown sparkled on the top of her head. She was ethereal, almost seeming to glow. When she turned towards him with a dazzling smile his heart stopped.

His counterpart was nowhere to be found. It was only him with his rumpled shirt and no shoes. Yet she never stopped smiling at him. Like it was truly him she was seeing and not just the memory of him.

Loki’s legs moved of their own accord. Words left his mouth before he even knew what he was saying. “May I have this dance?”

_ “Of course you can.” _ she replied.

She held her arms up for him to take. An invitation to dance. Loki found himself taking it. 

This memory felt more substantial than any of the others he had seen. When his hands reached for her it almost felt like he was holding onto something. Holding onto her. His body seemed to know what to do even if his mind was still catching up.

He danced. He danced with his wife under twinkling lights. The colours of the hall all seemed to blur together as they spun around. Each step was perfect and he never lost contact with the imprint of her.

Her eyes held such warmth and happiness Loki could do nothing more than stare. There was a presence to them that he had not seen in any of her previous incarnations. It was as if she were truly here, in the moment.

“You look so beautiful,” he whispered with reverence.

She dipped her head shyly and her cheeks tinged red. Then she looked back up at him with a cheeky grin. “You don’t look so bad yourself, Loki. My beautiful husband.”

Her husband. 

The word panged through him and he felt a warmth bloom in his heart. It was everything he ever wanted to hear. He was hers and she was his. Forever and always.

“You’re my everything,” Loki said.

“_And you’re mine,_” she whispered back.

Loki didn’t notice the other people in the room begin to melt away. He didn’t see the lights start to dim or the music start to fade. His eyes were only for her. Only focusing on the light in her eyes and the curve of her smile. She had never been more beautiful.

Everything dissolved until it was only Freydis and him left in the room. Loki wanted the moment to last forever but all things come to an end.

They both slowed to a stop. Freydis pulled her hands away from Loki and took a step back. Her form shimmered and she began to fade back into the night like everything else had. 

“No don’t. Please don’t go!” He begged.

He reached his hand out to try and stop her from leaving but it was too late. 

“_I love you, Loki_,” she said. 

The words echoed around him like an aftershock.

The last remnants of Freydis finally disappeared and she took the remaining light with her. 

Loki fell to his knees as he was left alone in the dark.


	8. I will see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right so I have had to do some revisions to this fic because I realised that I wrote myself into a corner and if I didn't change it then the ending wouldn't make sense. So I've gone back and edited the chapters. It's not too drastic, you could probably get away with not reading them but you may get confused when I bring it up in the future chapters. But hopefully it will flow better now x

Loki had a feeling that sleep was going to be a very distant memory. He couldn’t sleep now. How could he? Not when she would find her way back into his head. With a perfect smile that could cut straight through him.

She was a Princess of Asgard. His wife.

This whole time he had thought that he had gone through life on his own. Someone who had remained stubbornly single. Almost incapable of finding love. At least that was what his fake memories wanted him to believe. Only to discover that he had someone right beside him. Through all of it.

He couldn’t help the way his eyes drifted to his hands. His skin. To what truly lay beneath. Surprisingly, he found himself standing in front of his own reflection. Something that he never did. 

Loki stared into his own red ringed eyes. For the first time he realised just how bad he looked. The circles under his eyes were like bruises. His cheekbones stood out sharper than they’d ever done. In his bid to find Freydis he may have skipped a meal or two. Not that he was even hungry much anymore.

This was the face that Freydis had fallen for. This was who she thought he was. What would she think of the real him? Of his blue skin and red eyes. Would she have cowered? Ran away? Rejected him completely? He couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that she was in love with a lie.

It took until the sun crept up to break him from his self-destructive stupor. Somehow it was easier not to spiral in the light of day. Loki couldn’t stop now. If he did he knew that he would never find her. He needed to grit his teeth and persevere.

The first rays of the sun began to stretch across his room. Illuminating quite a few of his possessions that were strewn across the floor. But he wasn’t seeing the mess. His eyes glazed across them and narrowed in thought. Every single object he could see was his. Which was expected seeing as it was his room. But surely if Freydis was married to him she would have moved in.

His room should be overflowing with her. Yet it wasn’t. At least at first glance. He should have woken up years ago and been confused by the amount of foreign possessions. But he hadn’t. Which meant at some point someone had ransacked his room and stolen everything that belonged to Freydis. Anything that would draw suspicion.

His teeth gritted at the clear violation. So not only had the perpetrator stolen her, stolen her memory, they had even stolen her possessions. However, Loki was beginning to realise that they may not have taken everything. There was bound to be something left over. Something that the thief hadn’t realised belonged to Freydis and not him.

If he could just find some sign that she was here-something physical that he could actually hold-he would finally feel like he was getting somewhere. So Loki began upturning his own room in search of something, anything, that could have belonged to her. 

It was harder than he thought it would be. Especially when his own mind was working against him. It tried to tell him that everything was his. Twisted and turned to explain away little details. Like, the shirts that would never fit him must have been from when he was younger. 

How deeply this foreign magic had invaded his mind made him feel physically ill.

At one point he had searched an old jewelry box. Loki wasn’t one for jewels and finery. Not like Ivar with his many rings and thick gold chains. So the box had collected a fine layer of dust from its disuse. He looked through it and found items that just couldn’t be his. Bangles and bracelets that simply would not fit his wrists. There were also some rather dainty necklaces and the occasional pair of earrings. Seeing as his own ears weren’t pierced there was no way they could be his.

_ They’re your mother’s. _ His mind tried to tell him. _ Frigga must have left them here. _ He had to literally shake his head to try and get rid of the alien thoughts. These did not belong to Frigga, he knew what kind of jewelry she wore and it wasn’t this. Also at no point would Frigga have taken her jewelry off in his room and left it there.

These were Freydis’s they had to be. It felt so strange to have something tangible to link back to her. So far he only had the memories he found. Only what was inside his own head. There had been times when even he had doubted that she was real. What if she was just some kind of extreme hallucination? It was only him that had been able to see her after all. But now he was holding something that belonged to her. Something that she had held.

He continued searching the box and froze when he opened one of the drawers. This piece wasn’t Freydis’s. No, it definitely belonged to him. Loki continued to stare at the golden ring sat amongst the dust covered velvet. An intricate knot pattern was carved onto the outside. It was a wedding ring. His wedding ring.

Loki reached for it with shaking hands. He remembered something about this ring. A memory from years ago. He had taken one look at the ring on his hand with heavy confusion. Before he ripped it off his finger and stored it away. Never to look upon it or think of it again.

He had not realised the significance of it back then. But now he did. It was the one thing that truly tied him to Freydis. He was married to her and this was the proof. He stretched the fingers on his left hand and noticed just how empty they felt. His hand had noticed its absence even if he hadn’t.

He slipped the ring onto his finger and sighed. It felt right. Like what was missing had been replaced. He twisted the ring around with his other hand. The motion gave him a small amount of comfort. It was a movement he must have made when he used to wear it.

Looking down at his wedding ring made him think. If there was a wedding then there must have been a record of it somewhere. Every marriage in the castle was logged for census purposes. Would there still be a record of them? And if there was, there might be some other information he could find there.

It was worth a look.

oOo

The records room was small and rather tucked away. One would assume it would be near the library. But that would be too easy. Instead you had to go through a guest wing, go down two flights of stairs and wind up in a cold dark room that was practically a basement. It was hardly ever used so there were seldom any guards about. Something that Loki was hoping for as he made his way there.

He walked down a long corridor. Flanked by rooms offered to the Lords and Ladies that dwelled in the palace. There were several double takes and wide eyes as they caught sight of him. It’s not as if he made a habit to walk near their bedrooms. Loki tried to ignore them.

As he was drawing to the end of the corridor he swore that he could hear the faint sound of crying. The sound drew him to a stop and he had a strange feeling that he knew who it was. Yet when he looked around he could not find the source of the sound. 

The door to his right lay open as the servants were cleaning it. And when he looked to his left his eyes slid across the space as if there was nothing there. He only discerned a blank expanse of wall. He had always been confused why this corridor had an odd number of rooms. Something niggled at the back of his mind but he found himself ignoring it. It probably wasn’t important.

The crying stopped suddenly and Loki was left wondering if it was ever there in the first place._ I’m not hearing things now am I? I’m already going mad as it is. _

Loki shook his head and continued on to the records room. Thankfully, it wasn’t blocked from him. Even Ivar couldn’t see what trouble he could get up to in that dust filled hovel. 

Plumes of dust erupted as he made his way inside. Loki had to cough and bat away the particles. The motes caught the light and danced through the air. You would think that people would take better care of this place. After all the protections the library got one would think they would have the same for the records.

But they either did not care or did not deem it necessary. Considering that this room was only ever used by a couple of older men he would guess both. He knew the record keepers were not the most hygienic of people.

Orbs of light lit up along the walls. The light they emitted was rather dim so Loki still had to strain his eyes to read anything. But there were no open flames allowed in here so Loki would have to make do.

The documents seemed to be in at least some form of order. Even if that order made little sense to Loki. But at least all similar files were grouped together. He heaved down a box from one of the upper shelves. The thick layer of dust made his hands itch so he quickly wiped it away.

The label on the shelf read “Marriages” which seemed like a good place to start. After a quick flick through he realised that these were from too long ago. About 2000 years too long. With a sigh he put the box back and searched further along the shelf. At the very end there was a box that looked to be significantly less dusty. He judged it to be the newest which would be more likely to have what he wanted.

The first file seemed to be from 10 years ago. Which wasn’t surprising. When people lived as long as Aesir did there tended to be less marriages.

Loki skimmed through the files until he found one from 100 years ago. When he pulled it out he found himself holding a marriage certificate. His eyes were drawn to his own name. Beside it was a very conspicuous blank space. As if someone had taken an eraser to the name.

Loki stared at the page, dumbfounded. Someone had clearly taken their time to remove Freydis’s name but hadn’t considered that a marriage certificate with only one name on it would be suspect. Loki wasn’t narcissistic enough to want to marry himself. Surely it would have been easier to just remove it. Destroy it.

When Loki searched a little deeper he found incidences where Freydis’s name was still perfectly intact. She was only removed from about half of the documents Loki poured over.

It was so lazy and poorly done, Loki was bewildered. All this time Loki had assumed that the culprit was powerful and clever. Surely someone who could remove an entire person from everyone’s memories must be incredibly skilled. Yet looking at this poor excuse of a cover up Loki was beginning to think differently.

What if the person wasn’t a criminal mastermind but someone who just got lucky? That opened up to a lot more suspects.

He was surprised by how much seeing her name written down affected him. It felt like a breakthrough. Like progress. If he could find records of her then there was every chance that he could find her. It was a hope that he was desperate to cling on to.

One of the documents he had found was a census of everyone that lived within the palace walls. The servants and staff had their own section and as a lot of them were human these were updated the most. The ones detailing the Lords and ladies that lived here were significantly older. They should have been caked in dust but there were a few pages that Loki found that were a lot cleaner than their counterparts.

When Loki removed them he could see why. It was a list of Lords, Ladies and their families. It detailed which rooms were assigned to each of them throughout the palace. The blank space towards the bottom of the page stood out the most. The names directly below it read Kala and Eirick. It was plainly obvious who the missing name belonged to.

Loki let out a laugh when he saw that the room assigned to her hadn’t been touched. It was still there in black and white. Whoever did this truly hadn’t had their wits about them.

Now he was looking at it, he realised that he had not actually found Freydis’s quarters. All of the memories had either been in his own or in some public place. He kicked himself for not thinking to look for it before. Her room was bound to hold something.

Loki’s eyebrows drew together as he noted the room number. Room 36 in the western guest wing. Now he was certain that there were not 36 rooms in that section. There was an odd number of rooms. He’d even made a note of that fact today. 

On his right there had been the door to room 35 and on the left…

His eyes had slid right across the wall as if there was nothing there. Something that happened every time he tried to look in that direction. Only now did Loki begin to see the significance of that. He himself had used spells that drew the eye away. Made things unnoticeable. Had Freydis’s room been there the whole time? Hidden away behind a veil of magic?

Loki felt like he was positively vibrating with excited energy. Someone had obviously gone through the trouble of hiding it which means that there must be something there.

So he put all the documents back approximately to where they were supposed to be. He saw no point in agonising over a couple misplaced files. Then he shot out of the records room, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. His long legs allowed him to take the stairs two at a time and he was back in the guest wing in no time.

At the sight of a few people milling around he decided to spell himself invisible. They simply drifted passed as if he was not there. He would just have to pay attention to ensure that none of them accidentally walk into him.

He counted the number of rooms up until he found room 35. The number was displayed high above the arched door on a golden sign. When he turned around to look at the opposite wall, he found his eyes once again sliding away. Now that he knew that something was there it was beyond frustrating to not have his body obey him. 

When he put on his magical Sight he could definitely detect something. But once again he couldn’t look at it directly. So he couldn’t get an accurate picture of what the illusion involved. At one point he experimented with closing his eyes and trying to feel his way towards the door. But when he opened them he found himself facing the complete opposite way.

Loki needed to find a way inside but as of right now he was stumped as to how. He had tried a few spells aimed at dissolving illusions but he was having no luck. The spell was probably rune based considering how long it had been up. That means that he would have to remove the runes. But if he couldn’t see them he wouldn’t know which ones to remove.

At this point Loki was debating whether or not to just blow a hole through the wall. Create a new doorway for himself. 

Loki paused in his pacing. _ A new doorway? Now that is actually an idea. _

His mind was drawn back to his rather terrible escape attempt all those weeks ago. The first time he had used the _ Brygdir _ spell had gone disastrously. But that didn’t mean it hadn’t worked. The spell had worked beautifully, it was just the location he chose that was the problem. If he could make a doorway into the room then he wouldn’t have to bother with the illusion at all.

So Loki made the decision to head back to his own quarters. Once he returned he shot straight towards his growing book piles. There were perfectly functioning bookshelves in the room but he just seemed to prefer his semi-organised piles. It took a few minutes for him to locate the spell book he needed. It had been several weeks since he had last looked through the book. There had been more pressing matters to take up his time.

When he did finally locate it he flipped to the relevant page and walked to the centre of the room. Chalk at the ready. The rune circle was easier to draw this time as he had a vague idea of how it was supposed to look. When he was satisfied with his work he pushed a small amount of his magic into the circle. His magic seeped into the chalk turning it into a bright green.

It would be harder to conjure this doorway than the other one. Mainly because he wasn’t entirely sure of the location. The clearer the picture the easier the spell would be to cast. He just hoped that what information he did have would be enough. With his hands outstretched he began to cast the spell.

After several failed attempts he was ready to give up. Sometimes the door would half form and fizzle out. Or it just refused open at all. He took a few deep breaths to try to quell his frustration and really concentrated. Somewhere in his mind he knew what Freydis’s room looked like. He just needed to find it.

This time he closed his eyes, took a steadying breath and tried again. Hoping that his instincts knew what to do. With the final words he pushed his hands apart. 

He felt a rush of magic flow through him. The telltale static filled the air and Loki could detect a metallic tang. For a few seconds he dared not open his eyes in case it disappeared. He cracked one eye open first. The other quickly followed suit when he found a fully formed door in front of him.

“I’ve still got it,” he muttered to himself.

He could not really see what lay on the other side of the doorway. It remained ominously dark. With no light of any kind to illuminate what lay on the other side. He hesitated for only a second before plunging straight in.

_ Here goes nothing. _

Walking through the doorway was like walking through a sheet of water. It molded around his body for a claustrophobic second before he finally broke through on the other side. A shiver ran up his spine at the sensation.

_ Not entirely pleasant. _

Loki squinted into the gloom, trying to discern anything. The portal only offered a faint light that lit his immediate vicinity. He tried to snap his fingers to get the torches to ignite but it appeared that they weren’t working. They would have to be lit manually. 

Loki conjured a ball of flame in his palm. Fire magic always required more focus so that it did not spread up your arm and burn you. It tended to have a mind of its own. The effort required to control it caused his concentration to slip and the portal slammed shut behind him. Removing what little light he had left.

“Fucking cuffs!” he shouted to the manacles on his wrists.

This level of magic use should be easy for him. His lack of power was jarringly frustrating. With an errant huff and a flick of his wrist he sent the fire ball careening around the room, igniting the cold scones along the walls. Thankfully, nothing else caught fire. In his anger he hadn’t exactly been careful in his throw.

He managed to catch the fire ball on its way back and snuff it out in his hand. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead but he ignored it. Too busy staring at the now illuminated room.

It was a mess. A complete and utter mess.

The floor was completely covered with all sorts of items. Dresses, books, decorations. It was as if someone had hastily thrown everything into the room and sealed it up behind them. Not a single care for the objects at all. If he had taken a single step forward he would have ended up tripping over.

Now that he was in the room he could finally see the door. As well as the sheer chaotic jumble of runes painted across its surface. When he put on his magical Sight the chaos only worsened. It was enough to give him a headache just by looking. There were at least six different illusion and repulsion spells on the door. All overlapping one another and competing for space. A complete overkill for any competent sorcerer.

Loki walked over to the door, being careful not to stand on anything. He could look around in a moment, for now he needed to know that he had the means to leave. The fact that the person had to physically paint these runes on was another mark against them being an all powerful genius. 

People as powerful as Odin didn’t need to physically draw their runes out to get the magic to work. They could create the runes with pure magic directly into the air. That’s why all the barriers he created were invisible with no markings to be found. It was also why he found himself walking into them so often. 

When Loki had his full arsenal of magic he could create runes without drawing them.

Loki turned on his magical Sight and prepared for the visual onslaught. Some runes shot passed at insane speeds while others meandered. A few had begun to entangle around one another, choking each other off. It was enough to make any sorcerer cry.

With a wave of his hand he tried to reassemble the runes into some kind of order. Only around half of them actually listened to him. It was no matter though, he had a feeling that he would only need to remove a few anyway.

And he was correct. He had only removed two before the whole system came crashing down, cancelling each other out completely. The spells disintegrated with an audible hiss. When Loki tried the door it opened with no resistance, pouring out into the hallway beyond.

He risked popping his head out just to see if the door was now visible. Also to check that he was in fact in the correct place. When he saw room 35 in front of him he knew that he was. He was also happy to note that he could actually see the door now. No more headache. 

Content with his success he made his way back inside and closed the door behind him.

He didn’t even know where to start. This was her place. These were her things. Loki picked a dress up off the floor. It was coated in dust and creased but he knew it was hers. He had seen a memory with her wearing it. His thumb glided over the soft fabric. A sharp pain shot across his chest and his grip tightened on the dress.

It was surprisingly difficult to see these clothes. They were just pieces of fabric yet they were having a profound effect on him. Seeing them rumpled and discarded as if they were nothing made it all the more worse. These were hers. She had worn them and now they had been left to gather dust.

He released the garment before he got too caught up in his own head. There were several books written by her own hand. Notebooks and research. All her studying from when she was an apprentice healer. His own little notes had been scribbled in the corners. “Don’t you think hearts are a funny shape?”; “I bet that you have a good spleen”; “Do you think Ragnildr and Asmund are together?” Probably from some desperate attempt to distract her. To make her laugh.

He lifted up a perfume bottle. Only to freeze once the scent made its way up his nose. The mind was better at remembering scents than it was for remembering anything else. It was light and floral and It hit him like a ton of bricks. The memories he had discovered did not come with smells. Yet he knew with all his heart that this was what Freydis smelled like.

A tear splashed against the vanity in front of him before he even knew he was crying. Hastily, he wiped away at his face.

_ Pull yourself together, it's just perfume. _ Nevertheless Loki pocketed the glass bottle.

In one corner Loki found a rather large piece of canvas that had been rolled up and thrown aside. He unfurled it to find the eyes of Freydis and him staring back at him. A painting. A royally commissioned painting that should have been on display in the palace.

Seeing her face outlined in paint was so strange. Yes he had seen her in memories but this felt more real. More substantial. No one could say that she wasn’t real when he could see the proof smiling back at him. As much as he wanted to take it back with him he knew that it was too big to move.

Though in his search he came across something similar. He found sketches of her. On her own, with him, with their friends. Most were all drawn by Frigga. Though there was the odd one that Loki recognised to be Thor’s hand. He had surprisingly been quite adept at sketching when he was younger.

Loki folded a few of them carefully, eager to take them with him. He was about to move on when the sound of crying drew him up short. It was the same cry he had heard earlier, he realised. Freydis’s cry.

Loki quickly spun around to try and find the source of the sound. It was coming from somewhere in the corner of the room. He had to dodge around different furniture to try and see her. She had buried herself as far into the corner as she could. Arms hugging her knees as if trying to make herself as small as possible. Her sobs wracked her whole body and Loki’s heart broke.

His feet stumbled forwards of their own accord to comfort her. But when he finally saw her properly his knees nearly gave out. He only just about caught himself on a chair. It felt like an electrical shock had flooded through his body. Seizing up his muscles making it difficult to breathe.

_ I don’t...I don’t...How? _

Because Freydis’s face had changed. Her skin was even more pale than it had been. Almost blue as if she had been laying in snow for hours. Where there had once been smooth skin there was now a collection of raised markings that lined the outside of her features. The whites of her eyes had now become an alarming shade of blue. Freydis stared down at her own shaking hands with a sob.

“_ Why didn’t he tell me _?” she whispered.

Even with the differences in colour, Loki recognised what she was.

Jotun. 

Freydis was Jotun!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review I'd love to hear what you guys are thinking x


	9. Where the shadow ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is mostly all written I just need to edit it and play around with it a little more x

His mind just kept repeating the phrase. Over and over. Trying desperately to understand what he was seeing. How could she be a Jotun? It didn’t make any sense. Had he known?

An imprint of himself entering the room was all the answer he needed. _ “Freydis there you are. I’ve been worried sick.” _

_ His imprint ran over to Freydis. He didn’t flinch or balk or hesitate. Simply put his hands under her arms and helped her to his feet. Immediately she latched onto Loki, burying her head in his shirt. Loki wrapped his own arms around her, hugging her close. _

_ “Why didn’t they tell me? Why did they lie?” Freydis sobbed. _

Loki couldn’t help but hear the resemblance to his own questions. The words were nearly identical from when he had found out about his own heritage 3 years ago.

_ Loki rested his head against Freydis’s forehead. The area where his skin touched hers began to morph. His skin took on a blue hue and his own markings appeared. It began to spread across his face and down his neck. The imprint of Loki did not flinch as if he expected it to happen. The longer he held her the more his glamour slipped away until it was no longer there. Revealing two Jotun’s desperately clinging to one another. _

_ “At least you know your father is a good man.” His counterpart said “Mine is a warmonger and a murderer. And apparently the reason your mother is dead.” _

The pain in Loki’s head was blinding. He collapsed to the floor screaming. His hands grabbed at his hair almost to the point of tearing it out. It was as bad as the first time he had seen Freydis and him together. Worse even. All he knew was that his brain felt like it was on fire.

He already knew? How could he have already known? Finding out 3 years had been devastating. There could be no way that he already knew about his ancestry. Yet there it was in front of him. A memory, clear as day, with him in all his Vansir glory. And Freydis…

Loki couldn’t think. He could barely move. He didn’t even take notice of the daunting amount of blood pouring out of his nose. It spilled down his chin and soaked into his shirt. Loki nearly passed out from the pain but just about managed to cling to consciousness. He needed to leave. To put some space between him and the memory.

His head eventually stopped feeling like it was trying to tear itself apart. But it only vaguely reduced the pain. When Loki pulled himself to his feet the world swam around him. It took everything in him not to fall down or throw up. On shaky legs he managed to make his way out of the room.

The more the false memories altered his mind the more painful the real ones were when they settled back in his head. This one definitely counted as one of those.

Loki stumbled his way through the castle. At certain points his vision would black out and he would find himself leaning heavily against a wall. There were a few smears of blood left in his wake. He heard many gasps but he pushed away anyone who tried to help him. Eventually, he gave in when he nearly keeled over. A guard caught him under the arm and began to lead him to the healing rooms.

When he got there Loki pushed away from the guard. “Thanks-” he narrowed his eyes at the guard. While he was grateful not to be left passed out in the corridor he still did not like having an einherjar touch him. “but I can handle it from here.”

The guard smirked at him. Which you could just about make out through his thick ginger beard. “Fine by me because there is a very angry lady on her way over here and I do not wish to have any part in that.”

“What-”

“Loki! By the Norns what have you done to yourself!?”

Her shouts rebounded around his tender head and he barely suppressed a groan of pain. He was dragged bodily and placed onto a bed before he even knew what was happening. A wet cloth was brought up to his face but Loki didn’t have the energy to fight back this time.

When a phial was placed in front of his mouth he didn’t hesitate to drink it. The taste was bitter but its effects were glorious. The magically imbued medicine seeped through his system and began to block out the pain. It made his head a little fuzzy but it was so much better than the agony he was currently in.

A hand snapped in front of his face making him finally focus on the person at his bedside. 

“Loki. What happened?” Eir inquired. The words were even and professional but her eyes held a lot of emotion. Frustration being one of them.

“I had a bit of a headache.” Loki said offhandedly, as if it was nothing unusual.

“Don’t be smart with me Loki. I have access to all of the city's medical supplies. I can find ways to make you talk.” said Eir.

Loki narrowed his eyes, completely unconvinced. “Would you really?”

“Of course I wouldn't, I'm a professional,” Eir huffed “But you still shouldn’t push me.”

Loki knew that he wouldn’t get away with giving her nothing. She had been here every time he had gotten refills of headache tonic. Each time she had grown more and more concerned. If he continued to give her nothing he would never leave this bed. So Loki came up with something that was as close to the truth as he dared to go.

“I’ve been trying to use my magic,” Loki admitted “The more I try to use it, the worse I feel. Sometimes this happens” he pointed to his nose. It had stopped bleeding now at least.

All the anger in Eir’s eyes was snuffed out in an instant. “Of course,” she sighed and placed a comforting hand on Loki’s arm. He was too shocked by her change in demeanor to shake it off. “Loki, I know having your magic bound must be awful but you can’t keep pushing yourself like this. Trying to force your magic to work beyond what you have available right now is dangerous.”

Loki grew uncomfortable under her concern. He couldn’t bear to look into those eyes for very long. But at least he had avoided her suspicions.

“Well at least I know what’s been happening with you then.” she said.

_ You don’t even know the half of it. _

“Can I leave then?”

Eir laughed sharply. “Nice try. You are not leaving this bed until I say so.” And with that she made her exit.

Loki stared after her with puzzled frustration. He made to get off the bed himself. One foot was barely on the ground when her head reappeared around the corner.

“I am not joking. I will tie you to that bed if I have to,” Eir threatened.

He knew she would do exactly that. So, with a sigh, he settled himself back onto the bed. He lay his head back and stared up at the ceiling.

As good a place to think as any I guess.

The healing rooms weren’t too busy so he was mostly left to his own devices. Only the odd healer made their way through the ward checking on different patients.

Now that he was mostly free of pain he could think more clearly. Though it did nothing to really shine a light on his situation. He could barely wrap his head around it. 

Freydis was a Jotun. That statement in itself was just insane.

Did that mean that her parents were too? No, that didn’t make any sense because Kala’s family had lived in the palace for at least a few generations. But her father hadn’t. Eirick had met Kala during the war with Jotunheim. Only now was Loki realising that they may not have been on the same side.

There was still every chance that Freydis was adopted like him but her resemblance to Eirick was too great. So there was a chance that she was only half-Jotun.

Loki didn’t know what to think. He felt lightheaded. Though that could also be the drugs in his system. 

Did he think that she was a monster? Like he did himself? 

_ No! _ His inner voice screamed at him. He could never think that of her. No matter who or what she was, Loki knew her true heart. Freydis could never be a monster. Even with her Jotun appearance she was still undeniably beautiful.

The fact that he had already known he was a Jotun all those years ago was another blow. He had been truly devastated when he ‘found out’ 3 years. Devastated and disgusted. But surely some part of his mind already knew. Had already accepted it.

But then again that part of his mind had been well and truly buried behind a wall not of his own making. A magic that had altered his mind so utterly that he hadn’t been able to recognise his own wife’s face. 

What if it hadn’t only changed his memories on the surface. What if it went deeper than that? What if that foreign magic had been changing his emotions? His feelings? Things that made him, him. It would explain why he sometimes reacted in ways that surprised even him. 

Loki thought back to his time in the mad titan’s clutches. It was definitely possible to alter his feelings. Thanos had well and truly delved into his psyche and fucked with his emotions. He ramped up the anger and the hatred until he reached a boiling point. Then let him loose on Midgard. 

But those emotions had already been there. He’d been feeling profound self hatred and a righteous anger for many years now. Way before he ever knew about his heritage. It felt natural to hate himself. Intrinsic. Especially when he was always compared to the golden Thor. 

But during the past few weeks he had uncovered quite a lot of his memories. Though he was loath to admit it, the memories with Thor were nowhere near as bad as he recalled. Thor did cast a shadow but Loki wasn’t as lost in it as he always thought he was. All the mistrust from the people of Asgard, all the loneliness he remembered, he could hardly find any of it when he looked through the memories. 

That fact made him realise that his mind may have been fucked with long before Thanos got his claws into it. It left him feeling profoundly sick and a burning anger settled deep into his gut.

He sat up and took several deep breaths to try and calm himself. A cup of water had been left on a side table and Loki happily gulped it down. The cool liquid helped to settle him some. 

He would find the bastard responsible for this if it was the last thing he did. He would make them pay

When the cup was drained he placed it back on the table and he took a look around the room. During his ruminating a few more people had arrived. In the bed opposite him sat-

“Astrid?” Loki asked.

The woman in question looked up at him with glazed eyes and smiled at him. “Loki, long time no see.” There was a slight slur to her words.

Her hair wasn’t in its signature crown either. Instead it lay flat down her back. She held her arm in the air while a healer tended to a wound there. A gash about two inches long. It was strange to see her so unkempt

“How have you been?” he asked uneasily. It had been years since he had really seen her. He couldn’t remember her being like this.

“Oh you know, the usual. Getting drunk, falling over, cutting up my arm.” she turned towards her healer with flirtatious eyes “Getting it healed by a pretty girl.”

The healer seemed used to Astrid antics and simply rolled her eyes.

“How about you, Loki? What have you been up to?” she asked.

“Other than being put under house arrest?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” she said.

The air became awkward between them. Loki wasn’t sure how much of their friendship she remembered. Most of the time Freydis had been with them when they were younger. Which meant that a lot of her memories could be altered. Even he had been surprised by how often they had actually socialised in the past.

“Are you still writing these days?” Loki asked, trying to ease the tension.

Astrid began laughing like it was the funniest thing anyone had ever said. It was a very self-deprecating sound. “No, no I am not.”

He could see a pain in her eyes and Loki feared he had stumbled onto a touchy subject.

“I haven’t written a single word for years now. It used to come so easy to me or I thought it did. I prided myself on my ability to create these vast worlds in my head. But I can’t even remember how to do it anymore. I’m starting to think that it was all a trick and I never actually could.” she said, her eyes had taken on a glassy sheen.

“What do you mean?” Loki asked.

Astrid continued like she couldn’t stop. Like she was letting out something that she usually kept bottled up “I mean that I woke up one day and my head was messed up. I try to remember things and they’re just flat and grey and lifeless. Nothing like they were before. You know I tried to look at the story I was writing and I couldn’t even remember the plot. Like it had been pulled straight out of my head.” She stopped herself when she realised that they were staring at her. Her cheeks heated up and she avoided their eyes. 

The healer said that she would return later and left them to their conversation.

But Loki wasn’t judging her. In fact, the things she was saying hit a little too close to home. His head had been filled with those false memories on so many different occasions now. Those two dimensional, soulless lies. As he spent quite a proportional amount of time around Freydis quite a lot of his memories had been replaced. It would be the same for Astrid too.

Only it had taken quite a while for Loki to question them. He wasn’t the type of person to dwell on his memories. But clearly Astrid was. She was the type of person who had a vivid imagination and would notice straight away that something was wrong with her head. She just wouldn’t know why it was happening.

“Did this start 50 years ago by any chance?” Loki took a leap of faith in asking her.

Her head shot up with a gasp, eyes burning into Loki’s “How did you...How did you know that?” Her voice was sharp but there was also a vulnerability to it.

“Because I don’t think that it is just you that this happened to.” In fact he knew it wasn’t. But he didn’t want to burden Astrid with all that he knew.

“It happened to you too, didn’t it?” Astrid looked like she didn’t know how to react. Her eyes were wide and her breathing quickened. 

“Feeling like someone has rifled through your head and plucked out what they wanted? Something similar, yes.”

Astrid’s face fell into her hands. She let out a hiccup. “By the Norns, I thought I was all alone. My parents thought that I was crazy. Hel, I thought that I was crazy.”

Her head shot back up to Loki. “Do you know something? Do you know what happened? Is it like a curse or something?”

“I’m trying to figure it out.” he told her truthfully.

“If you do, please tell me.” she begged. “Please.”

“Of course.”

Astrid left the healing rooms with a rekindled hope in her eyes. The perceived weight of a burden being shared, made her seem lighter. Loki just hoped that he didn’t leave her disappointed.

oOo

“How much sleep have you been getting?” Eir inquired. Her raised eyebrows suggested that she already knew it wasn’t a lot.

Loki had been sat on a hospital bed for hours, growing progressively more bored. At one point Eir saw fit to return to him and see how he was doing. 

Loki peered up at Eir.

“How much do I need to say so that you won’t keep me here indefinitely?” he half-joked.

Eir gave a long-suffering sigh “Loki.”

“How much sleep does one person need anyway? I get all my good thinking done at night.” Loki did not want to let on that he had been actively avoiding sleep. Or that when he did he usually woke up after only a few hours, from one dream or another. 

“Right, drink this,” She handed Loki a phial filled with a thick, dark liquid.

He eyed it suspiciously and made no move to take it. A good rule of thumb was not to take something when you didn’t know what it was. Especially when it had such ominous qualities. 

“What is it?”

“It’s a sleeping draught.” she said.

Now he had taken a fair few sleeping draughts over the years and they did not look like that. She must have seen his unconvinced facial expression because she continued in her explanation.

“I’m choosing to ignore the suspicion on your face, Loki. I’m not trying to poison you. There are easier ways, trust me,” she said “It’s a restorative sleep draught rather than something that just knocks you out. It’s something your body will need if you have been pushing it too hard. Normally your body does that itself but if you haven’t been sleeping then it hasn’t had much of a chance.”

That makes sense I guess. Loki took the phial from her hands and gave it a tentative sniff. He reeled back with a cough. It was a rather powerful scent. 

“Does it taste like watermelon?” He asked with a smirk.

“Maybe it will taste like honey and rainbows if you wish hard enough.”

Loki gave her an annoyed look before downing it in one. He cringed against the extreme bitter taste. It did not seem like something that should be in his body. 

“How lovely,” he coughed.

Surely there was a better way to get it into his system. Tevaran medicine was quite beyond its time yet he still had to throw back those awful concoctions.

She took the phial off him and replaced it with a cup of water. He quickly drank over half of it in one go.

“It should knock you out for at least 8 hours.” she explained.

He could already feel the effects of the potion. His eyelids were getting heavier and he could no longer keep his head up. He slumped against the pillows and marvelled at how comfortable he felt. It usually took a lot of tossing and turning before he fell asleep.

“Oh just a warning,” Eir said. Her voice sounded farther away even though she hadn’t moved. “You may get some rather vivid dreams. It’s just a side effect of the potion.”

“Oh great. Just what I need,” Loki slurred, eyelids fluttering shut

The drugs pulled him under astonishingly fast and Loki was dead to the world. 

_

Eir looked down on Loki with a fondness that she seldom showed to other people. She reached down and tucked the blanket up around him. Ensuring that the prince would be comfortable while he slept. Then she swept the curtain around his bed to give him some privacy before leaving him to his rest. Norns know the boy needed it.

oOo

_ “I don’t think you’re doing that right,” Loki smiled at Freydis. _

_ She was attempting a rather complex elemental spell. It didn’t appear to be going very well based on how soaked they both were. _

_ “I know,” she conceded, before cutting the spell off.  _

_ “Father is supposed to be helping us.” she said pointedly to the man behind her. _

_ Lord Eirick did not hear his daughter, too engrossed in what he was reading. A servant had brought some letters for him while they were practicing. Eirick had been happily skim reading them until he came across the one currently in his hand. His face was ashen and the letter crumpled in his grip. _

_ “Father are you okay?” Freydis asked, with concern. _

_ Eirick’s eyes shot up and he gave Freydis a tight unconvincing smile. “Yes, yes I’m fine. You should just...you should carry on without me.” _

_ Eirick made to go back into the castle, leaving confusion in his wake. _

_ “What’s wrong with him?” Loki asked. _

_ “I don’t know. He’s been acting weird recently but he won’t say what’s wrong,” Freydis said, her brow creased with worry. _

_ _ _

_ Loki was laying back in his chair, feet propped up against a table. The book in his hand wasn't drawing his attention as much as he liked. _

_ When the door opened suddenly, Loki was surprised to find Freydis there. She was dressed in one of her fancier gowns. Her jaw was tight and she looked like she was only one step away from shouting at someone. He quickly withdrew his feet from the table and made to get up. _

_ “Freydis, what’s wrong?” he asked. _

_ “Nothing, I’m perfectly fine,” she huffed, falling into a seat. _

_ Her arms remained tightly crossed and she seemed to be glaring a hole into the wall. Not the usual behaviour of someone that was ‘perfectly fine’. _

_ “I thought you were dining with your father.”  _

_ It was something she had been looking forward to he knew. He was going to take her to a small restaurant on the edge of the city. Somewhere she would never normally go. _

_ “Well so did I,” she said. “But he ditched me.” _

_ “Your father ditched you?” he asked. _

_ “Yeah. He’d been planning this for weeks but now suddenly something’s come up. He ran out of the room before I could even say anything.” _

_ “I’m sure everything is fine. He’ll make it up to you,” Loki said. _

_ But Freydis didn’t look very convinced. _

_ _ _

_ “Loki, wake up!” Freydis was frantic and in tears. She was trying to shake Loki awake. _

_ Loki bolted up only to find a very upset Freydis. “What, what’s happening?” _

_ “We need to do something. Father’s in trouble.” _

_ Loki was fully up now. His heart was in his throat. “Trouble? What kind of trouble?” _

_ Freydis’s hands tightened in her hair. “I don’t know, mother just came in and told me that he's on Jotunheim!? And that she was going to go get him. She told me to wait and not to tell anybody,” Her eyes held such pain and confusion.  _

_ She reached into her pocket with shaking hands. “But look at this. I found it on my mother's desk.” Freydis held out a handwritten note for him to take. _

_ Loki took the letter from her hand and began to read it aloud. “Your pathetic traitor of a husband is being held in the deserted village of Karkheim. If you wish to find him alive I suggest that you come here and convince him just what side he should be on.” His voice had begun to shake as he reached the end of the note. _

_ “When did she leave?” he asked. _

_ “She left hours ago.” a sob broke through her resolve “I only just found the note. We need to find them.” _

_ Loki grabbed her arms and tried to calm her down. “Okay, okay we’ll go after them. We’ll get to them.” _

_ “We can’t tell anyone.” Freydis shook her head in panic . “Mother made me promise. She was adamant that no one knew. I don’t know why.” _

_ “Just us then. We’ll have to steal my father’s horse if we want to get there quick _

_ _ _

_ The horse cut through the air like it was flying. Moving faster than any normal horse ever could Sleipnir, his father’s horse, was one of the fastest horses in the nine realms. Loki urged it faster. Faster towards one of the doorways he had stumbled across as a young boy. It would lead them straight to Jotunheim. _

_ Freydis had brought an object belonging to her mother so that she could scry for her. As soon as they touched down on Jotunheim they would be able to know where she was. It wouldn’t take Sleipnir long to get to wherever it was. _

_ The guards would eventually notice their absence but Loki just hoped that it was after they found Freydis’s parents. _

_ Freydis’s arms were a band around his middle. Clinging to him with everything she had. He prayed that they wouldn’t be too late. _

_ _ _

_ They saw the flames before anything else. Pillars of fire that rose into the air, burning away where carved ice houses may have once stood. Freydis let out a cry and tried to jump off the horse before they had even come to a stop. Loki tugged on Sleipnir’s reins to draw him to a stop. Freydis was off the horse and running before he could stop her. Loki brandished his daggers and chased after her.  _

_ He sent a wave of magic out to detect any incoming threats. No signs of life lit up around him. Instead they only found bodies. Jotun bodies. Some were half burnt by the towering flames and others were sliced open. Their empty eyes stared out at nothing. Whoever had done this clearly wanted them to hurt. It was enough to make anyone lose their resolve. _

_ A cry on the air drew them towards the edge of the burning village. Further out from the flames fiery touch. Someone was screaming. Broken, heart wrenching screams. They both quickened their pace towards the sound.  _

_ Freydis recognised him before Loki did. She sped off towards him. “Father!” she yelled desperately. _

_ She collapsed onto the ground in front of him. A scream of her own ripping out of her. “Mother! Mother no!” _

_ When Loki caught up to them he froze. His own legs threatened to buckle under him. There was so much blood. _

_ Eirick’s face was pressed into Kala’s hair. He held onto Kala’s body with a white knuckle grip. Blood bloomed from a wound in her abdomen. So much of it. Too much. Her blood coated his hands, his clothes. Her eyes were open and unseeing. Loki already knew she was gone. _

_ Freydis still tried though. She still tried to heal her mother. Her magic glowed and seeped into Kala’s skin but there was nothing left to heal.  _

_ Eirick finally lifted his head up from Kala’s hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” he sobbed. _

_ A gasp ripped out of Loki. He stumbled back a step before he could stop himself. Eirick’s face had changed. Gone was the man he knew and in its place was a Jotun. A strange pale version but a Jotun all the same. _

_ “Father?” Freydis reached up to Eirick’s face. “I don’t understand.”  _

_ Loki reached out a hand. He wanted to warn her to be careful but she had already touched his face. As soon as she did her skin began to morph and change. It started down her arms before spreading to the rest of her. Freydis looked down in alarm and stumbled back. Loki caught her before she could trip. _

_ “What’s happening?” she pleaded. _

_ But Loki was too busy staring at his own hands. Where his skin darkened and began to spread. Before he knew it his whole body was covered. Freydis and Loki turned to each other with panic and terror in their eyes. _

_ “They killed her,” Eirick said with a terrifying, heartbreaking conviction. “So I killed them.” _

_ It was the pacifist that had burned an entire village to the ground. _

_ _ _

_ “It was Laufey,” Eirick said with a hollow voice. His eyes were unfocused like he couldn’t bear to look at anyone. _

_ They were all sitting in Odin’s war room. Gathered around a table trying to understand what had happened. As if there was any way to explain. _

_ “Laufey had discovered that there was a Jotun hidden on Asgard. He wanted to use me. To find him the Casket of ancient winters.” Eirick grit his teeth together. _

_ “There was no way that I could find what he wanted. But he still black mailed me and threatened me. Eirik said that if I couldn’t give him what he wanted then he would out me. That he would kill my family.” _

_ Freydis covered her mouth with her hand, trying to hold back a sob. Her chair clattered behind her as she got up so fast. She was out the door before anyone could stop her. _

_ Odin glanced at the closing door before turning back to Eirick. “No Jotun has ever breached Asgard’s defences. Surely you know that no harm would have befallen your family. I told you the first time that you came here that you would always be safe on Asgard.” _

_ “I know they would be safe here but there are eight other realms from which he could hurt them. K.Kala-” Eirick struggled to say her name “-She travelled so much. She was due to visit Alfheim in less than a month's time. Laufey would have found a way to hurt her I know it.” _

_ _ _

_ “Do you hate me now?” Loki asked, his voice was small. _

_ Freydis looked up at him with clear confusion. “What? Why would I hate you?” _

_ “My father’s the reason that your mother died.”  _

_ Freydis surprised him with a hug. “Don’t be an idiot Loki. Eirik is the farthest thing from your father and has nothing to do with you. I could never hate you.” _

_ _ _

_ Loki was staring at his reflection. His hand reached up to rub the skin on his chin. “I guess this explains why I could never grow a beard then.” _

_ His mother came up to stand behind him. She placed a hand on his shoulder and pulled him away from the mirror. _

_ “I never wanted you to find out this way,” she reached up to cradle his face. _

_ “Why did you never tell me?” his throat was tight as he spoke. _

_ “I always wanted to tell you but your father thought that it would upset you if you knew.” _

_ Loki let out a humourless laugh, pulling his face away from her. “I think finding out by accident hurt more than if you had just been honest with me.” _

_ His mother withdrew her hands but she didn’t look hurt. “I know and I am so sorry Loki. But I need you to know that I don’t view you any differently. You are and always will be my son.” _

_ _ _

_ Eirick had taught them both how to remove and replace their own glamours. That way they didn’t have to rely on others to do it for them. It was a rather powerful illusion but it still had one rather important flaw. It stopped working in the presence of another unglamoured Jotun.  _

_ Like calls to like. _

_ Loki watched as the glamour melted off his arm and reformed at will.  _

_ “It’s quite mesmerising actually,” Loki commented. _

_ “Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to play with yourself in public?” Freydis smirked. _

_ Loki jabbed her in the arm and watched as her glamour flickered momentarily, before settling back down. Her true skin wasn’t blue like his was. That was because her father had a rare genetic mutation. One that she subsequently shared. It left them paler and smaller than other frost giants. That’s what allowed them to blend in so well over the years. Well that and Eirick’s affinity for glamours.  _

_ “You don’t count as public so I’m fine.” _

_ _ _

_ “You know I’m quite a big fan of blue.” Freydis said, twirling a strand of Loki’s hair around her finger. _

_ They were both unglamoured and smiling at one another.  _

_ “Of course you are, your magic is blue. You have a naturally inclined bias towards the colour.” Loki said. _

_ “Perhaps.” she said with a kiss. _

_ Then her hand moved to his neck. Tracing the patterns on his skin down to his chest. _

_ “How far down do these ridges go then?” She said with a playful look in her eyes. _

_ “You’ll have to find out for yourself.” he smirked before capturing her lips with his own. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are always appreciated x


	10. Cold bones, yeah that's my love

Consciousness returned to him gradually. Like the trickling of sand in a timer. Slowly but surely he became aware of his surroundings. First it was his limbs, then his fingers and toes. His mind was the last thing to catch up with him. 

Loki blinked against the bright lights streaming in. Light that was coming from the wrong direction. His hands tightened into fists around the blanket. It took a few seconds before he realised that he wasn’t in his own room. He was in the healing rooms. 

The unfamiliar place did not help to calm him. Especially as he could hear several people talking from beyond the curtain. He felt too exposed. Left out in the open.

He flinched when a hand landed on his arm. When his eyes shot to the owner he found his mother staring back at him. She gave him a gentle smile.

“Darling, how are you feeling?” Frigga said.

“Mother? How long have you been here?”

Frigga’s eyes lit up at his words. She looked like she might choke up but she held it in. “Not too long. I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

Loki could tell by the way that the corners of her mouth ticked up that she was lying. There was every chance that she had been here for hours. Sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to wake. The thought made his throat feel tight. Was he really worth that?

He coughed around the feeling in his throat. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“I may not have needed to but I wanted to. I’d do it for any of my children.” Frigga’s eyes were intense.

“Well I’m fine now.” he said, sitting up.

Truthfully he did feel better. His head no longer felt as heavy. The ever present ache behind his eyes had lessened to a bearable level. There was a looseness to his muscles that made him want to sigh contentedly. They no longer felt wound so tight, like a taut violin string. Apparently sleep was good for you. Who would have thought? Even if it was plagued by quite the revelations in his dreams.

“Eir told me what happened.” Frigga said. Loki found himself looking away from her. He didn’t like her knowing how much of a mess he had been. “About how you had been pushing yourself too hard.”

Loki bit his tongue. Not saying a word. The way she said it made him sound like a child.

Frigga’s hand reached out to Loki’s wrist. To the silver cuff that rested there. Loki resisted the urge to rip his hand away. She looked down at the cuff with a strange fire in her eyes. The way her jaw was set hinted at an uncharacteristic anger within her.

“These are disgusting things.” she spat. “I told him not to use them. Begged him. They are harmful and demeaning. ”

Loki was shocked by her words. Never before had she expressed such a dislike about Odin’s decisions. Not so outright anyway. She was usually more subtle about expressing her opinions. Keeping everything inside her even when one son was cast out and the other returned in chains.

“Odin doesn’t truly understand magic. For him it’s just a means to an end. For people like us it’s a part of who we are. It’s intrinsic to us. To have it taken so callously and without care is not only insulting but dangerous. I mean just look what it has done to you.”

Loki took his hand back from Frigga’s grip. He wrung the band around his wrist a few times. “I’m fine. It won’t happen again.” 

Though at this point he wasn’t entirely sure if that was true or not. Any memory could be the one to send him over the edge again.

“Oh Loki I don’t believe that for a second. You are nothing if not stubborn. Eir has already told me the amount of headache tonic you have been taking.”

Loki scoffed “Whatever happened to patient confidentiality?”

“It flies out the window when the head healer is concerned about you.” Frigga smiled.

The last thing he needed was Eir butting into his business. He’d never get anything done if she hovered over him. Thankfully though, Eir could find nothing else wrong with him. She, reluctantly, had to let him go on his way. But she did tell him that if he came back into the healing rooms with any kind of magical fatigue he would not be leaving again. A threat Loki knew she would follow up with.

Loki left the healing rooms as quickly as he could. He needed time to think. Time to ruminate on everything that he had learned in the past few days. But he didn’t leave before thanking Frigga for being there. She really didn’t have to and Loki couldn’t stop dwelling on that.

He made it back to his room and sank into his chair. Relieved to finally be alone with his thoughts. Now that he was awake his mind was trying to sort through what it had discovered. 

Freydis was half-Jotun. Both of them had found out about their heritage years ago. On the day that her mother had died. Loki had to take a few steadying breaths as he recalled Kala’s body in Eirick’s arms. He had not realised that he had been there for her death. Her broken body was now imprinted on his mind.

Kala died because of Eirick. She raced to save him and in doing so had gotten herself killed. Loki shook his head, that was too harsh. It had not truly been Eirick’s fault. It had been Laufey’s. 

Loki wound his fists so tight that his nails dug painfully into his palm. Laufey had been blackmailing Eirick. Threatening him and his family. Over that damn Casket.

But why did Laufey expect Eirick to be able to get it. Eirick wouldn’t have a chance in hel of getting anywhere close to the Casket. The man was barely a Lord, he would never have been able to access the palace catacombs. Eirick would have needed more power, more authority. Only royalty and those Odin specifically sees fit were able to venture down there.

Loki put his head in his hands, expecting an ache to form behind his eyes. This whole situation was crazy and headache inducing. Though, thankfully, the medicine must have still been in his system because he was blissfully headache free.

Loki climbed out of his chair and made his way into the bathroom. He didn’t back down from his reflection and instead faced it head on. From his intense dreams last night Loki had learned something new. Or re-learned, he should say.

A wave of magic spread out across his body. He watched as his glamour melted away. Revealing his true self. In all his Jotun glory. 

It had been over a year since he had seen himself this way. The last time had been during one of his lower points in Thanos’s clutches. He had been so weakened that his body could no longer sustain his glamour. It only served to make the red of his blood stand out more starkly against his blue skin.

His breath caught and for a second all he could do was stare. 

His mind was split rather drastically. Two sides of him were battling it out in his head. Half of him saw the Vansir in the mirror and accepted it. Expected it. Had come to know this face. It came from a place that had obviously known this truth for over 100 years now.

Yet there was another side of him that was rejecting the sight of him violently. Those thoughts were viscous and filled with vitriol. The kind that he was so used to feeling at this point. His mind latched onto the hate like it was an intrinsic part of him. A natural response that he could do nothing about.

_ Those are Laufey’s eyes _ he thought with revulsion. Only to shake his head and say “No they’re _ my _ eyes.”

His thoughts were in disequilibrium. Disorganised and throwing him off balance. 

The more his mind veered towards acceptance the worse the hatred pushed back. Like it was a living creature. A snake rearing its head to bite. To inflict pain. As soon as Loki noted that he gripped the sink tightly.

All this time he had just accepted the hate in his mind. It felt natural to despise himself. It made sense. But now that some of his rationality was slipping back in-from memories long buried-he realised that not all of it might be real. 

The way it reared in his mind, against the influx of truth, reminded Loki of when the false memories would fight back. Perhaps his memories were not the only thing that was tampered with. 

What if he couldn’t even trust his own feelings anymore?

Loki could only look at his reflection for so long before he needed to give his mind a break. Fighting with his own thoughts was exhausting. Especially when he wasn’t sure which ones were truly his anymore.

Loki wandered out of his bathroom. The sight of another person in his room made him freeze. Defensive magic sprung to his fingertips, Itching to be unleashed on the intruder. Only for Loki to recognise that the person was actually him. 

The magic sank back into Loki’s core. He covered his face with his hands and groaned audibly.

“Can I just have a break for one second? One second where I can just think.” Loki didn’t know who he was begging to. Perhaps he was asking the Norn’s themselves.

When he opened his eyes the memory remained. The problem with spontaneous memories was that he could not stop them. Because it wasn’t his magic that conjured them, they played no matter what. He would just have to suffer through it until it ran its course.

Loki was set on ignoring the new memory. He’d only just returned to his quarters but he could do with some air. His hand was wrapped around his door handle when he heard his counterpart swear loudly. The sound was desperate enough for his curiosity to pull him back in. Reluctantly, he found himself turning back.

_ “This can’t be happening!” _

That’s when Loki noticed how out of sorts he looked in this memory. 

_ His hair was at odd angles as if he had ragged his hands through it. His eyes were half wild and there was a lingering panic within them. There was a note in his hand that had been well and truly crushed. _

_ His imprint’s face shot up as if he heard a noise. Eyes widened momentarily before he shot into action. He walked over to a seemingly empty patch of wall and pushed against a panel. It clicked and swung outwards like a door on a hinge. His imprint hastily shoved the note deep within the hidden space. Closing it within seconds of another person arriving. _

The imprint of Freydis walked straight through him. He couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through his body at the sensation. He would never get used to that.

_ “Loki? Are you okay?” she asked. _

_ His counterpart plastered a smile onto his face. One that didn’t reach his eyes. _

_ “Never better,” he said, walking up to Freydis and placing his arm around her shoulder. He turned her around and began to lead her out of the room. Freydis looked up at him and then back into the room. Her face was thoroughly unconvinced. _

The two of them would have walked back through him if he didn’t jump out of the way. Loki rushed to perform the date spell before they drifted through the closed door. He had discovered that he could use it on spontaneous memories too if his hand made contact with the imprints. His wrist read out the numbers 1963. The same date as that first spontaneous memory. It did not seem like a coincidence.

“What was that?” he asked out loud.

Had he been hiding something from Freydis? And when the Hel did he get a secret compartment in his room? 

He turned and eyed the patch of wall with suspicion. Nothing about it seemed suspect. It blended in with the rest of its surroundings perfectly. No obvious seam was visible. No one would look at it and expect there to be something behind it. That was kind of the point, he guessed. But when he himself didn’t know it was there it only led to frustration.

He traced the edge of the panel with his hand. There was something there, he realised. A vague hint of his own magic singing back at him. Loki held his breath and pushed. There was a hiss of air as the panel clicked in and then swung outwards.

He almost didn’t want to look. It was like he was standing on the edge of a great precipice. Whatever was in here was important. He could feel it. It was something that he had hidden from his own wife. He just needed to take the plunge.

Loki ripped open the door. To be greeted by a haphazard pile of letters and notes. They were thrown in there with no great care. Crushed and ripped. Clearly stored away in fear or anger. Like he didn’t want them yet he couldn’t bear to throw them out.

He reached for one of them with his heart in his throat. It looked as fresh as when it was written. Like it could have been penned yesterday. There must have been some preservation spell on the compartment. 

With great trepidation, Loki unfurled the letter.

** _I know what you are Princeling. I know about your precious little secret. About your wife’s too. How would the Kingdom feel if they knew? What if someone let slip that their prince was actually the enemy? If you don’t want that I suggest that you find what I need._ **

Loki dropped the note and frantically reached for another.

** _If you tell anyone about this I will kill them slowly while you watch. Find that Casket or else._ **

And another

** _Freydis looked stunning today in that pretty pink dress. That floral perfume is very agreeable on her, don’t you think?_ **

** _Are you surprised by how close I can get to her? Do you understand yet? Laufey doesn’t play games._ **

And another.

** _I heard dear Freydis was injured today. What a pity. I told you that if you ignored me you would regret it. So you had better start listening to me. You either get that Casket or you’ll see what else I do to that pretty little wife of yours._ **

Loki dropped all of them and backed away. He couldn’t keep reading. Each one made him feel violently sick. Made a fierce anger burn through him. He couldn’t believe what he was reading. These couldn’t be real.

Yet they were.

They were vehemently and disgustingly real. Refusing to disappear no matter how much he willed them to. The sharp, messy scrawl was seared into his mind.

He had been threatened. Freydis had been threatened. The person had gotten close enough to smell her for god's sake. They even confessed to injuring her. His lungs constricted painfully and he struggled to breathe.

Laufey was a part of this. It said so in black ink. His so-called father was involved in a plot to blackmail him. They wanted him to find the Casket. They were threatening him and his wife to do so. He couldn’t help but see the parallels to Freydis’s own father. Couldn’t help but recall how that event had ended. The burnt out village and the body cradled in Eirick’s arms.

Loki had said so himself that Eirick could not have found the Casket. That Laufey would need to find someone with more power, more authority. A prince would fit that bill perfectly.

The idea that history may have repeated itself but with Freydis made his hands shake. He squeezed them into fists to try and make it stop.

_ No, she couldn’t have been hurt. She can’t be dea- _He couldn’t even think, the last word. He refused to believe it. Especially if it was because of him. If she was hurt because of his own actions he didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself.

He needed to find out where these threats came from. Who had been sending these? Who had gotten close enough? No Jotun had ever broken into Asgard before. Even during Thor’s failed coronation they were only there because he allowed them to be there. Surely no Jotun should have been able to get so close to Freydis. Disguised or otherwise.

Loki felt like he recognised the handwriting. And not just because memories of these threats were now cementing themselves in his head. A part of him felt like he had seen that handwriting recently.

Loki needed to find out who it was. Needed to find out what happened. Yet he was almost certain that he wasn’t going to like what he found.

* * *

Loki spent the rest of the day trying to glean as much as he could from the sizable pile of threats. He hoped that he could find clues as to who could have been sending these notes. 

Each new threat set his teeth on edge. Most were about Freydis as his enemy must have realised that they had hit a nerve. She was the perfect leverage to use against him. But there were a few others that even threatened his mother. 

The person must really not know Frigga if they thought they could threaten her. She may seem docile on the outside but a fire burned within her. 

No matter how much he searched he couldn’t find anything of use. The person responsible was smart enough not to let anything slip about who they were. Which surprised and vexed him. He imagined that the type of person who would do this would be chomping at the bit to reveal themselves. For someone to acknowledge their cleverness. 

They may have done but Loki hadn’t found the right note or the right memory yet.

Eventually Loki’s eyes had started to drift closed. The words in front of him swimming out of focus. The problem with actually getting some sleep is that the body always seemed to want more of it after that. It wasn’t content to stay up into the small hours like he had been doing. Loki fell asleep in his chair. His head lolled to the side and the notes he’d been holding drifted to the floor.

_ Loki couldn’t move. _

_ No matter how much he screamed. No matter how much he pushed. He couldn’t move around the magic holding him. _

_ He saw the glint of a knife. A shadow of a monster. _

_ He couldn’t reach her. _

_ Couldn’t save her. _

_ He. Couldn’t. Move. _

_ Freydis lay flat against the cold earth. Her hand reached out for him. Needing him. _

_ Blood. _

_ There was so much of it. _

_ It poured out of her abdomen. _

_ Soaked through her dress. _

_ Pooled in the grass below her. _

_ She was dying and he couldn’t get to her. _

_ “Freydis!” he screamed. _

_ Screamed until his voice gave out. _

_ The shadow only laughed. A sound that cut straight to his core. It laughed until it was consumed by a wall of light. _

_ Loki could move now. _

_ Could crawl and drag himself to where Freydis lay. _

_ He had to save her. _

_ He had to save her. _

_ The blood coated his hands as he tried to get the bleeding to stop. But nothing worked. It was too late. He had nothing left to give. _

_ All Loki could do was hold her to him as he waited for the end. _

The world was a torrent of magic around him. Books and letters were a whirlwind. Even with a stranglehold on his power it still sent furniture across the room. In his panic and fear, seiðr rushed out of him.

He just about made it to the bathroom before he vomited. The coolness of the toilet bowl did nothing to alleviate his nausea. He retched until only acid burned its way up his throat. Hot tears poured down his face. He could do nothing to stop them.

The image of Freydis covered in her own blood was all he could see. Whether his eyes were opened or closed she was still there. Still bleeding out. 

After all the untold horrors he had witnessed in his long life this was by far the worst. Merely by the fact that it was Freydis.

He hugged his knees to his chest. 

“She can’t be dead. She can’t be dead,” He whispered. Pleaded.

But he could still feel it. The blood coating his hands. Her blood. No matter how much he wiped them on his shirt the feeling remained. It clung to him like a second skin and he feared that it would never go away.

He thought he knew what true fear was. But that dream had reached into the darkest recesses of his mind and pulled out his worst nightmare. But this wasn’t just an amalgamation of everything he feared, he was certain that it was real. A real memory.

Freydis had bled out and he couldn’t even move.

He nearly threw up again but there was nothing left in his system.

How naive had he been to think that he would find her? That she would be whole and happy and safe. That he would be able to hold her in his arms once more. To kiss her. To see her smile and call him an idiot.

He was chasing a ghost, he realised. That’s what he had been doing all this time. These memories were all that was left of her. Just fragments of her scattered through time.

She had been a spark in his life. So bright it nearly blinded him. But now she was fading. He would reach a point when there would be no more memories left to find. No more Freydis left to discover. He would find her last memory and she would be gone. The finality of it would throw him over the edge. Into the deepest, darkest pit. No light, no life, no spark left to save him. He would have no hope of ever climbing out.

Loki stood up. His seiðr was rearing again. He grabbed the closest thing to him and launched it across the room, with a scream. An inkwell shattered and stained the wall a deep blue. Loki kept going. He would go until his surroundings were as broken as he was.

But the destruction couldn’t quell the roaring in his mind. It just left him feeling worse. He was breaking everything just like he did in real life.

Loki reached for something else to break. Only to find a book in his hands. He pulled back to throw it but he stopped. He couldn’t say what but something told him not to throw it. To open it up and look down.

It was one of the stolen books. Slightly tattered around the edges and covered in singe marks. Loki’s breath caught in his throat when he felt a sensation run over his hands. It was warm against his cold skin. As if an outside force was covering them. Moving them. Opening the book for him. 

The warmth left his hands for a moment before he felt it brush against his face. Just a fleeting glance, like a warm breath. He ached for the feeling to come back but it was already gone. 

Loki did not understand what had just happened but he found himself looking down at the book all the same. At first he wasn’t sure what he was meant to be looking at. It appeared to be one of the books about memory. His eyes skimmed across the page until they landed in the top corner. Where someone had scrawled their own notes.

** _Removing memories seems like the perfect solution to my problem. This spell is a good start but it would need to be stronger. Perhaps my new Father has something that could help me._ **

Loki couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It was a perfect match to the threatening messages. He knew that without even needing to compare. After spending so long staring at those letters he would recognise that scrawl anywhere.

He had been right. He had seen the handwriting before. Every time he opened one of the stolen books he found them covered in it. 

The book thief and the killer were one and the same.

It felt like the kind of revelation Loki desperately needed. Another focus for his deep seated anger. Freydis may be gone. A fact that lacerated him to his very core. Left him with a crushing emptiness inside him. But he could still find the monster that killed her. 

All he felt now was a vicious, pervasive rage. He would find the killer and he would make them pay.


	11. Broken on the floor

His new found thirst for revenge was the one thing that kept him going. It was a storm of fire and ash and hate that now fueled him. That kept his body from giving out. The second that fire was snuffed out, Loki would fall and he wasn’t sure he would ever get back up.

So he clung onto the anger no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it burned. No one could survive like this for long: fueled by the fire of their own hatred. But it’s not as if he wasn’t used to this feeling by now. These past few years had shown just how far Loki could go fueled by anger alone. It wasn’t healthy but it had gotten him this far at least.

And anyway Loki didn’t need long. He just needed long enough. Long enough to find whoever was responsible and make them pay.

Loki now had somewhere to focus. He gathered all of the stolen books from where they had been thrown around his room. Some he had to get down from truly odd places. Stuck behind a mirror. On top of a bed post. But Loki didn’t have any room left in his head to feel embarrassed about it.

He began to pour through them. Searching for any kind of note. Any indication about what this person might have done. Who they might have been. 

If the person had made that hidden room had used Asgardian library books then that must mean that they lived here. No other explanation would make sense. If they were an outsider then they would have kept all their materials elsewhere. It would also explain how they managed to get so close to him. If they lived in the palace then no one would suspect them.

Asgard had a traitor in their midst. And all this time Loki thought that he had been the first one. That assumption was rather naive of him now that he thought about it.

When Loki opened the books that he borrowed legitimately he was frustrated to find them clean. They had definitely come from that hidden room-Asmund had said as much-but any writing that had been in here was long gone. He shouldn’t be surprised. The librarians wouldn’t stand for a defaced book. But at the same time he couldn’t quell his immense irritation.

Thankfully, the books yielded something. The notes spoke about devising a ritual to remove the memories of someone. He even found mentions of blood magic which made him pale. Blood magic was dark and powerful. Yet at the same time it could be uncontrollable and unpredictable.

The practice of it was strictly banned across Asgard. A book about blood magic would never grace the shelves of an Asgardian library. That’s when Loki realised that some of these books must have come from an outside source. Though he could not guess as to where. He could not exactly picture Laufey having an extended library.

Using blood in a ritual would serve to increase its power by a great margin. But it also left more room for error. If anything had gone wrong while it was being conducted there could be a great many unknown side effects. Loki needed to find out exactly what had happened if he had any hope of reversing it.

He would not let Freydis’s memory be lost forever. Not when that was all that was left of her.

The killer seemed to be using these books as some kind of journal. Quite a few of the notes were them venting their frustrations about Freydis, about Loki. Not just frustration but abject hate. Not just for Loki either. This person wanted Freydis to suffer too. 

This wasn’t only a politically motivated attack for Laufey to gain power. The person behind this also had personal motivations.

Who hated him enough to go through all this? Who hated Freydis?

Some of the notes made Loki pause and draw in an uncertain breath. The killer would mention their ‘new Father’ quite a lot. About how they wanted to make them proud. Sometimes they would even mention a cause that they were undertaking.

Their words hit a little too closely to ones he had heard before. After his fall, Thanos had likened himself as Loki’s new Father. A fact that left an acrid taste in his mouth. Seeing that same rhetoric repeated back to him concerned him greatly. 

Could Thanos have been involved after all? Even 50 years ago? He couldn’t shake the thought.

There were times when he couldn’t concentrate on the words in front of him. The image of Freydis dying in his arms refused to leave him. The sweat on his palms only reminded him of her blood.

There was distinct pain in his chest and he struggled to breath around it. It encircled his heart like a vice and squeezed. The pain of it was radiating out to the rest of his body. The idea of Freydis being gone broke him completely. It hollowed him out, took everything that made him feel any semblance of joy and left him with nothing. He felt like an empty shell where a person had once stood.

He was so close. So close to finding the monster who did this. He thought back to that malevolent shadow in his dream. The one that laughed at his pain. That leered over Freydis with a knife. A monster. His mind was still unable to put a face to the killer. Probably due to whatever blood magic the killer had conjured up.

He just needed the last piece of the puzzle. 

“I will make them pay, Freydis. They will pay for what they’ve done.” he said under his breath. 

He needed to find out more. If he could physically go to that hidden room he would not have to bother with these books. He would be able to use Aevum Memoriae and see exactly who it belonged to. Then he wouldn’t need to search for the answers in these books. He would simply beat it out of whoever was responsible.

But the way was blocked to him. There were too many barriers between him and that room for him to get anywhere near it.

...That is, if he tried to get to it the normal way. 

Loki’s eyes slid across the floor until they landed on the chalk circle he’d drawn. The one that he never got around to erasing.

“I’m such a fool,” he scolded himself..

He’d already proven that he could use Brygdir as long as he remained within the palace walls. All that time he had wasted pouring over these stupid books when he could have gone straight to the source this whole time.

Loki clambered to his feet and made his way over to the rune circle. After a cursory glance he noted that all of the symbols remained intact and he did not need to redraw them. So he quickly poured some of his seiðr into the runes. They all turned green as they activated.

Like last time he only had a vague idea about where his desired location was. As he had never stepped foot in there himself, it would require more concentration. But his mind was spiralling and there seemed to be an ever present vibration in his limbs from his barely restrained fury. It made an already difficult task 10 times harder.

Loki pushed his errant thoughts down as far as he could. He closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe deeply. He could do this. With one final deep breath, Loki began the spell. The hidden room in the library was held firmly in his mind's eye.

It took several attempts. Each failed one set his teeth on edge. If he gritted his jaw any harder he would surely end up breaking something. 

When a swirling doorway finally appeared in front of him, Loki did not allow himself to feel any satisfaction about it. Not when there were more important things at hand. 

Darkness greeted him from the room beyond. It seemed a more ominous and oppressive dark than Freydis’s room had been. But that was more likely because Loki knew that this room was used by the sick bastard that killed his wife. It made the room feel different.

He didn’t waste any time and walked through the portal. In his current state, he barely even noticed the strange feeling of the doorway on his skin. 

The air felt musty and thick with dust when he finally stepped through. The motes spun through the air and clung to his clothes.

Once again, no torches flared to life around him. Which made the darkness feel like it was pressing in. The light from the portal could only reach so far. It outlined a table and some shelves towards the back. It seemed that the place had been picked clean by the librarians and left alone.

As tempted as he was, Loki knew he shouldn’t light any torches around him. While it would help him see, he knew that the portal could close by accident again. And there was no way that he was getting himself trapped in this godsforsaken place. He would have to deal with the dark.

With that in mind, Loki also decided that it was best to keep the portal within his reach. He reached out behind him with his left hand until he could feel the surface of the doorway. It rippled beneath his touch. The faint song of magic helped to reassure him.

Loki brought up his right hand; Aevum Memoriae on the tip of his tongue. 

He hesitated for a brief second. Because this was it. He would finally find out who was behind all of this. The one that stole the memories of the one person he loved more than anyone. The bastard who had snuffed out her life as if it were nothing. He would finally discover who it was and there would be no going back.

Loki shook his head. He was getting too caught up in his mind. It was now or never, he needed to stop being so pathetic and soldier on.

Seiðr twined around his fingers and a figure materialised in front of him. Loki squinted into the darkness, determined to make out anything he could. But the person seemed to have a cloak wrapped around them with the hood pulled up. 

Loki bit his tongue and tried not to curse. He just needed to be patient. They were bound to turn around at some point.

The person was whispering to themselves. But it was so quiet Loki could barely hear them. He almost made the decision to move away from the portal. To try and gain a better vantage point. But before he did a loud bang echoed through the room. Loki nearly jumped out of his skin. It was only with great effort that he managed to keep the doorway from closing on him.

It seemed that the person had slammed an object down onto the table in front of them with surprising force. An object that cast the room in a blue glow. The glass orb that the blue light was housed in was flanked by two curved blades. One significantly longer than the other.

Loki paled as soon as he saw it. His heartbeat rose to a fever pitch in his ears as he recognised the object.

The sceptre.

Or an early version of it at least. This one was more like a dagger or a short sword but he recognised it all the same. 

He knew what it held. Knew what it could do to a person.

It was the mind stone. 

But how did this person have it?

“ _ I finally have everything I need, _ ”  _ The person spoke loud enough to be heard. “Once I do this we’ll be able to get the Jotuns to join our cause.” _

Loki’s whole body froze. All his muscles contracted to the point of pain. He knew that voice. He knew it. 

_ The figure picked up the blade and spun around. The blue glow illuminated the bottom half of their face. A sick, twisted smile bloomed as they stared at the object they held.  _

His heart hammered painfully against his chest. The sound of it was a roar in his ears. His own blood seemed to turn to ice in his veins.

Even with the hood covering the top half of his face Loki knew exactly who it was.

Dýr

The imprint had started talking again but Loki could no longer hear it. The name echoed around his head like a sickening mantra. Dýr, Dýr, Dýr.

It was Dýr.

* * *

White, hot rage burned through him with a blinding intensity. It hit him with such force he nearly lost his balance. Nearly lost his grip on reality. He only just made it through the portal before it slammed shut behind him. 

His blood was no longer ice. It was a fire. Burning a path straight through him and leaving only destruction in its wake.

Dýr.

The man who had once been betrothed to Freydis. The one who threatened and antagonised Loki every chance he got. The man Loki hated with his entire being. 

Now he knew why. An unconscious part of him must have always known. Reaching through the cloud of his warded mind to warn him. Dýr was evil. He deserved his hate

He was the traitor living in the castle. He was the one that killed Freydis. Snuffed out her life like it meant nothing. Destroying the very memory of her. He had lied and threatened and betrayed. It was his shadow that stood laughing over Freydis’s dying body. His hand that held the knife.

Loki’s magic was a storm beneath his skin. It felt claustrophobic, almost felt like he was suffocating under the weight of it. It wanted to be unleashed. To break everything in its path. Loki’s fists shook with his restraint. Held so tightly that his nails drew blood. 

But he couldn’t feel it. 

Loki stormed out of his rooms, half-running through the halls. He could not recognise where he was. Where he was going. 

He needed to find Dyr. To wrap his hand around his pathetic throat and squeeze. He wanted him to hurt. To feel, just for a moment, how much pain Loki was in. To feel, even a fraction, of what Freydis must have felt. He wanted him to be scared

It felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was a struggle to draw in air around the tightness in his chest. His lungs burned with it. No matter how much he tried to breathe around it, it did not alleviate in any way.

The palace was huge and sprawling. One could spend days unable to find the person they were looking for. But Loki’s strides were true and purposeful. A force was guiding him to where he needed to be.

He found Dyr in an empty courtyard. Contentedly reading a book in the sun. As if he wasn’t a murderer. As if he wasn’t a monster.

“It was you!” Loki roared. His eyes were wild and his muscles shook with barely restrained magic.

Dyr shot to his feet with clear alarm. When he fully took in Loki’s appearance his pinched face became awash with confusion and disgust.

“What the Hel are you talking about?” Dyr sneered. His original flash of fear was replaced by a mocking facade.

“You killed her!”

Disgust coiled in his gut and Loki charged. His fist collided with Dyr’s cheek before the man could move an inch. Dyr went down like a lead weight and Loki was right on top of him. He punched him again. And again. 

Loki did not pull his punches. He put all of his weight into each one. Hitting Dyr’s cheekbones made his hand sing. He felt the reverberation up his arm. But he kept hitting until his hands were bloody.

Dyr fought back like a caged animal. Snarling and rabid. He clawed and punched at Loki. Throwing him off several times. But each time Loki was hit, he threw himself straight back at Dyr. He was unrelenting. He needed Dyr to hurt.

A band of black light encircled Loki’s ribs and squeezed. The shock of being unable to breathe was enough for Dyr to shake him free. To kick him away. The pressure around his ribs increased until there was an alarming crack. Loki gave out a wet rasp. The broken bones felt like a dagger in his side.

Dyr tried to stand up. He used the bench to haul himself into an upright position. It took a considerable amount of effort. But even as Loki struggled around the pain he wasn’t going to let Dyr get away.

Loki kicked out at Dyr’s legs, aiming for his knees. He felt something crunch under his boot and Dyr cried out in pain. The leg bowed under him and he fell back to the ground. The magic around Loki immediately vanished and he was on Dyr once more.

Loki grabbed a handful of Dyr’s collar with his left hand and twisted. Cutting off some of his air supply. Dyr’s eyes bulged as he struggled for breath. There was a pendant of some kind that dug sharply into Loki’s palm but he didn’t care. 

He punched Dyr once more. His eye was almost swollen shut and there was a bleeding cut on his cheek.

Loki brought Dyr’s face closer. So he could look Freydis’s killer in the eyes. “Why did you kill her? Was it because she rejected you? Embarrassed you? You think that’s enough to murder her in cold blood?” Loki’s voice was a hoarse rasp around the burning in his throat.

Dyr spat blood into Loki’s face. Loki reared back but held tight to Dyr’s collar.

“I don’t know what the Hel you’re talking about. I never killed anyone. Now get off me, you savage freak.” Dyr struggled under Loki’s grasp.

He’s lying.

Loki struggled to restrain his magic. It seeked to break. Seeked to harm. The pendant beneath Loki's palm shattered with the force of it. Glass embedded itself into his palm. The shock of sharp pain was enough for Loki to lose his grip on his magic. It buffeted out of Loki in a wave. Crashing into Dyr and causing him to spasm in pain.

The fire that lanced through Loki’s veins was so powerful that his muscles seized and he fell to the ground. The cuffs on his wrists were alight and angry. Turning his own magic against him. Burning him up from the inside. He used his magic for harm and was now reaping the consequences.

Dyr clambered to his feet. He had to use the bench to drag himself up. Even then he couldn’t put much weight on his right leg. If he wasn’t already in the throes of a magical assault, Loki would have gasped at Dyr’s appearance. Not because of the blood and bruises. But what lay underneath.

The left side of Dyr’s face was warped and melted. Tendons were exposed and his eye was a milky white. Like his face had been kissed by fire and poorly healed. That was definitely not Loki’s doing.

But either Dyr didn’t notice or didn’t care about his change of appearance. He snarled and sent several dark curses in Loki’s direction. He felt a bone in his arm snap and a cut bloom on his cheek. Before a lance of black fire singed across Loki collar bone, leaving behind a line of burnt flesh. It was only Dyr’s poor aim that stopped it from doing any real damage.

The additional level of pain was torturous. His mind grew strangely foggy in a way to distance himself from the torment. It was an experience he had not felt since Thanos. He had to fight to bring his mind back down to earth to concentrate on the here and now.

“I don’t know what you think I’ve done, Loki, but I hope it hurt.” Dyr’s voice sounded far away even though he was right next to him. “I hope it burns you from the inside and leaves you broken. This pathetic little fight of yours better be worth it because after this little stunt you will never see the light of day. You will rot in a cell for the rest of your life.” 

Dyr spat at him one last time before hobbling out of the courtyard.

The fire in his veins stuttered out and Loki sunk against the cobblestones. His body felt weak and shaky after his own magic ravaged his body.

Loki couldn’t move.

Every breath hurt. The muscles pulled and snagged against his broken ribs. Sending sharp pain through his body. 

For a fleeting moment he just wanted to close his eyes and fade away. What had that fight accomplished, other than more pain? He thought that finding Freydis’s killer would provide some semblance of relief. Something to calm the tide of hate and anger deep within him. He thought that if he could make them hurt then perhaps the hurt that he felt would lessen. 

But now he only felt worse.

Loki was weak and pathetic. He wasn’t even strong to avenge the person who hurt Freydis. Even his own magic had rebelled against him. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. 

He hadn’t even found the answers he needed. Loki had failed Freydis all over again.


	12. Grab my hand I'm drowning

Loki was almost content to lay there forever. He had no drive left to move. It was agony anyway so what was the point. The only thing that got him to move was the thought of people finding him like that. Coming to gawk at the broken prince. So with tremendous agony and a lot of swearing Loki managed to get himself into a seated position.

He had to lean heavily on his right arm as his other one wasn’t responding properly. When he first tried to use his left arm it felt like lightning shot through it. It caused him to collapse back onto the ground. Eventually, he managed to move enough to lean against a nearby pillar. He used it as leverage to get his feet underneath him.

His vision swam and darkened alarmingly as he tried to move. But he would not allow people to find him like this. 

His whole body seemed to shake in the aftershock of his magic attacking his system. Nausea permeated through him and it was a struggle to remain upright. Every movement sent sharp tendrils of pain coursing through his body. But he refused to let a single sound escape his mouth. He had been through worse than this.

Loki bolstered his resolve and began the slow journey towards the healing rooms.

Eir didn’t even shout this time. He didn’t know if that was worse or not. She directed him to a bed almost wordlessly. Loki gritted his teeth as he leaned against the mattress.

“Do I even want to know, Loki?” Eir asked in a low voice.

“No.” Loki said, not even glancing in her direction. Instead his eyes were firmly set on the ceiling above him.

The first thing she did was offer Loki pain relief. Which he downed happily, anything to numb him. 

First she went about healing his broken bones. Thankfully, nothing was punctured and they could be healed magically. While there was no more pain, the movement of the bones sliding back into place made him shudder.

Some of his other wounds had to be healed the old fashioned way. Like the burn across his collarbone and several cuts. Throughout the whole process Loki did not say a word.

When she reached Loki’s left hand she remarked at the glass embedded in his palm. “Who’s glamour did you break?” she asked, trying to glean more information from him.

_ Glamour? Oh so that’s what that pendant was _ . A glamour to cover up Dyr’s scars.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said.

Eir curled her hand into a fist. She looked ready to snap. “Of course it matters, Loki.”

“Why do you care? Why do you care about what happens to me at all?” Eir wasn’t as overbearing to any of her other patients 

“Because I do. Because I remember when you were first brought to Asgard. You were a tiny little thing that had gotten sick from your time in Jotunheim. Frigga and I stayed up for nearly two days trying to make you better. After that I couldn’t exactly not care could I.” Eir said, then in a lower voice. “It didn’t help that you were rather a cute baby. I love cute babies.”

“You knew?” Eir knew that he was Jotun this whole time?

“Of course I did.”

“You never told me.”

“Well it wasn’t my place was it. That was for the King to decide.” Eir sighed.

Loki didn’t even know what to think anymore. 

Eir finished healing him not long after that. Loki felt marginally better. Physically at least. His heart was still an empty, broken thing.

Loki was debating whether to just shut his eyes and block the world out when some kind of shouting match broke out near the entrance.

“Get out of my infirmary this instant! You have no right to barge in here!” Eir shrieked.

“King’s orders.” a gruff voice said.

Loki was immediately alert and bolted upright. The guards shoved their way into the infirmary. Knocking people out of their way as they did. When they made a beeline straight for Loki he scrambled out of his bed.

“What is the meaning of this, Wolfgang?” Eir shouted

“The prince is to be brought before the Allfather immediately.” Wolfgang snapped his fingers and four guards surged towards Loki.

Loki tried to back away. To fight against the hands grabbing him. But there were simply too many of them and Loki was still injured. Their grips were unrelenting and crushed his newly healed wounds. Some of his cuts reopened.

Loki tried to tear himself away but it was no use. They dragged him kicking and screaming because Loki refused to go quietly. He didn’t know what Odin planned to do. Didn’t ever want to find out. The way that he was being hauled unceremoniously through the corridors did not bode well.

When he was finally brought to Odin, he was forced to his knees. His arms were restrained behind his back and Loki had to bite his tongue not to cry out. He could taste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth.

When his eyes landed on a smirking Dyr he nearly wrenched himself free in his desperation to get to him.

“STOP,” Odin demanded. His voice had power in it and it made everyone in the room turn towards him.

Odin’s eyes burned into Loki’s. The anger in them was enough to make anyone pale before him. Beaten and bruised, Loki must have looked so small and weak before Odin. But he would not back down from this man. He would not cower. Loki tilted his chin up and glared at Odin with all the defiance he could muster.

“I give you more freedom and this is how you repay me. Attacking one of our own in a senseless, unprovoked assault. Is this some misguided plot of revenge?” Odin shouted.

Loki struggled to keep his hatred in. Struggled not to scream every insult he could think of into Odin’s face. How dare he do this to him? Was imprisoning him not enough? Did Odin have to demean him more? 

“No.” he spat through gritted teeth.

Dyr moved closer to Odin. He looked like he was trying to shrink in on himself. Make himself appear smaller. Appear meek. “I caught him sneaking around your majesty. Planting a dangerous magical trap where he knew you would be.”

“YOU LIAR.” Loki yelled, he almost managed to get to his feet in his bid to attack Dyr once more.

The deceptions spewing from Dyr were nothing short of absurd. He had done nothing to Odin. His focus had been on Dyr and Dyr alone. How did he expect Odin to believe him when Dyr only had his word?

The guards forced him back to his knees with a crushing force. The impact against the cold, hard floor made his bones sing. The hand on his shoulder squeezed against the burn on his collarbone. Loki yelled against the pain but the guard didn’t care. He only tightened his grip.

“When I tried to stop him, he attacked me. It was senseless and absolutely barbaric. I barely made it away.“ Dyr turned towards the light to show off his collection of cuts and bruises. They looked worse under the bright lights. It only served to rally them against Loki.

When Dyr turned to Loki he saw a wicked gleam in his eye. Like he was enjoying every second of this.

Why were they listening to him? How could anyone believe anything that weasel said? He wanted to tear his throat out with his bare teeth. To make him pay. He wanted to make everyone in that room pay.

“We found this, your majesty.” A guard came around and presented an object to Odin. It was a black sphere with runes marked along its edge. Magic thrummed along its surface. It looked like it could be a weapon. A bomb?

Odin picked up the object and examined it. His eyes became unrelenting stone. “Where did you find this?”

“It was found near your study, your majesty.” The guard said with an even voice.

Odin stepped forwards and towered over Loki. He held the device up to Loki’s face. The tang of magic made his nose sting and he backed away. But he didn’t feel the familiar charge of his own magic. It wasn’t his. It positively reeked of Dyr. Of that dark magic that had tormented him not too long ago. 

How could Odin not sense that the magic did not belong to him? Or was he too blind in his hate for Loki? 

Was he just seeing what he wanted to see? So desperate to punish Loki that he was using any excuse he could?

“How do you explain this, Loki?” Odin demanded

“I don’t know what that is. I’ve never seen it before.” Loki growled.

“I don’t believe you Loki.” Odin stood up straight. Turning away from Loki and placing the device onto a table “I’ve seen you remember. Galavanting around the palace doing Source knows what. You’ve been performing spells out in the open. Did you think people wouldn’t notice?”

“Surprisingly not everything I do concerns you,” Loki spat with as much venom as he could.

“I have had enough of your lies Loki. Every time I see to offer you a chance to gain my trust you have thrown it back in my face. But no more.” Odin turned his attention to the guards above him. “Show me his wrists.”

“What?” A cold, icy fear rooted in his gut. He couldn’t stop it as his arms were dragged out in front of him.

When Odin’s hands went to the cuffs on Loki’s wrists he knew what was coming. His mind rejected the idea so violently that he nearly dislocated his arms trying to get away. But he couldn’t move. He was trapped. He was helpless.

“No, no you can’t!  _ Father _ please!” he cried.

Odin froze at the word father but didn’t stop. He gripped both of the cuffs firmly. “You leave me no choice, LokiI can’t trust you with it.”

Odin was going to bind his magic. All of it. Every last drop. Removing something that was so fundamental to who he was. It was abominable. It was an act so heinous and unthinkable that Loki had not even thought to fear it. 

But Loki was powerless as Odin began to chant. As Odin’s hands glowed golden. An obscenely bright colour for an act so dark. Loki’s vision blacked around the edges. It began to tunnel until all he could see was that awful golden glow. 

The stranglehold on his magic increased exponentially. Tightening and squeezing. Locking his magic so deep within him he would have no hope of ever finding it. It hurt. Norns above it hurt. Like a part of him was being severed away. He could no longer breathe. No longer move. 

Loki’s mind gave out before the spell was even complete. He lost consciousness and sank to the ground.

oOo

**Frigga**

Frigga was worried about her children. Which was nothing new. Especially with her children. It seemed like everyday there was something new to be concerned about.

Though it was mainly Loki that had worried her the most as of late. He had gone through so much in the past few years. So much hurt. So much pain. Even more that he dared to say. She knew that there was more to his failed invasion of Midgard than he was saying. Frigga could see it in his eyes. They spoke of untold horrors.

For over a year Frigga had been trying to get through to Loki. She needed him to know that he wasn’t alone. Even though Odin had tried to keep her away she had refused. No force in the world could stop her from seeing her own son.

Frigga felt like she was finally getting somewhere when Loki was given more freedom. But he only seemed to worsen each day. She thought that with some of his freedom returned to him that he would get better. Even if only fractionally. But Loki had spiraled. She watched as the circles under his eyes darkened. As his cheeks became more hollow. He stalked through the palace with a fierce determination and tremendous pain in his eyes.

Her visions had been cloudy when it came to Loki, these days. But she knew that something was wrong. Something was happening to him that Frigga could not see. Could not understand.

She felt so helpless. What kind of mother was she to let her child suffer like this?

Frigga was embroidering. She worked the needle through the fabric with a professional speed. Placing all of her fear and guilt and concern into the cloth. She often used her artwork this way. As a way to express her emotions. That way, even if she didn’t say them out loud, she released them in some form.

The door to her art room crashed open. In her shock she stuck herself with the needle. A drop of blood fell from her finger and stained the white fabric. She would have been angry if she did not see the frantic panic in her maidservant’s eyes.

“Alva what is wrong?” she asked.

Frigga often had her servants bring her news of her children. So she knew if they were okay. She had a feeling that this must be about one of them.

“Your highness it’s the Allfather. He’s dragged prince Loki before him. I think he’s planning to punish him!” Alva sputtered.

“What!?” Frigga was on her feet in an instant. 

“I don’t know his plans,” Alva said, “but he had four guards bring him into the war room. He looked awful, your highness. Covered in blood.”

Frigga’s face became dangerously calm. No one would guess at the storm bubbling beneath the surface. At the anger that speared through her. Except when you looked at her eyes. At the way they began to swirl with magic. Like flames were burning in her eyes.

Alva shrank into herself. Her instincts told her to flee.

“Thank you, Alva,” was all Frigga said before she ran out of the room.

For too long had she let Odin dole out punishments on her children without consequences. She had stood by while he cast Thor out to Midgard. As he let Loki fall from the Bifrost. All the while Odin told her that it was for the best. That things would work out in the end. She had held her tongue because he was the Allfather. But it didn’t stop the part of her that had broken inside.

Her magic was a chaotic whirlwind around her when she finally made it to the war room. She slammed it into the doors. Any locks on the room-both physical and magical-were destroyed on impact. The doors crashed into the walls, cracking the stone. 

Her magic seeped into the room and they could all feel it. The power, the danger. Everyone turned to their Queen in fear.

When Frigga took in the scene in front of her she nearly collapsed to the ground. “Loki!” she cried.

_ What have they done to him? _

Frigga knelt down by Loki’s head. He looked so small, lying there on the ground all alone, unconscious. His glamour was completely gone, showing his Jotun form. She longed to reach out for him but she knew that she could not. His skin would be too cold. So she reached out with her magic instead.

She nearly cried out when her seiðr touched Loki. No magic sang back to her. There was no comforting song that she knew her son’s magic to be. It was completely dormant.

“You took his magic! You took all of it.” Frigga said with disgust and despair.

Odin looked down at Loki with an almost detached look.

“He was a traitor” someone said. The sound was nasally and contained no fear. As if they did not know who they were messing with.

Frigga’s eyes whipped over to the sight of Dyr Tyrson. His face was smug and she could see a smile in his eyes. With a snarl she lashed out. Her magic wrapped around his throat and pulled upwards. Dyr was forced into the air, choking. Only his toes scraped the ground. He clawed at his neck and stared at Frigga with bulging eyes.

“If you don’t wish to choke on your own blood I suggest you leave.” Frigga’s voice was low and predatory as she climbed to her feet. 

She released the magic on Dyr and he fell to the ground.

“Allfather,” Dy’s voice was little more than a rasp. “Surely she can’t do this.”

Odin looked to Frigga and then Dyr. “You heard your Queen.”

His mouth opened and closed, looking like a floundering fish, before he stumbled his way out the door.

As soon as he left Odin turned back towards Frigga. His eye was wide and he reached out a hand for her.

“Frigga! What do you think you are doing? I have never seen you act this way.”

Frigga batted his hand away. He did not have the right to touch her right now. “Don’t touch me.”

Frigga turned back to Loki. She could not leave him like that: in his Jotun form. It would only cause him more pain when he woke up again. Another cruelty for him to face. That was something that she would not allow.

She kneeled beside him and unhooked one of her necklaces. With a gentle touch her magic lifted Loki’s head and looped the chain around his neck. She settled it at his throat and poured her magic into it. A charm that Eirick had taught her all those years ago. A glamour for her little boy. He no longer had any magic to sustain the proper glamour so she had to use a necklace instead.

“He is to be taken to the dungeons.” Odin said gravely.

Frigga’s magic was alive around her once more. Objects in the room began to tremor alarmingly. Several of the guards backed away uneasily. Even Odin took a step back.

“He is to do  _ no _ such thing.” Frigga seethed. “He is going to be taken to his rooms and you will not interfere with him again.”

“But-”

“No Odin. For too long have you meddled in the lives of your children. Too long have I stood idle to it but no longer.” Frigga turned back to look at Loki. Now that his glamour was back on she could reach out a hand and brush the hair from his forehead.

She did not look up again at Odin. Wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking in his direction. Her voice was cold and remorseless. “All his life I have tried to protect him from the evils of this world. I never for one second thought that one of those evils would be you.”

oOo

**Loki**

Who knew nothing could hurt so much.

Loki shocked awake in a panic. Sucking in great gulps of air. He remembered a distinct feeling of being crushed. Strangled. It still felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Gone. His magic was gone.

His mind kept reaching for it. Searching for it. The comforting song of his own magic. But it came up empty. It was like prodding an open wound. A gap where something used to be. Every time he reached out to touch it, pain would consume him. He was missing something integral. Like one of his limbs had been hacked off.

And he couldn’t stop shaking. Like he was in the aftershock of a great seizure. His limbs shook and his teeth chattered. The fire within him had shuttered out completely. Nothing left to keep him going. He was just cold. So cold. All his warmth had been drawn away from him. Locked up tight like his own magic.

A hand rested on Loki’s forehead. It was warm and safe. He leaned into it.

“Shhh Loki, it’s okay,” he heard a voice say. It was tight with tears.

Loki turned his head to find Frigga sat next to his bed. His bed he realised. Not a hospital bed or a cot in the dungeons.

“M.mother?” Loki stuttered.

There were tear tracks down her face and her hair had fallen out of her braids. As if she had been sitting across from him for quite some time. Frigga tried to smile at him but it was tight and wobbly. She gently stroked his hair. “I’m here, darling,”

Why was she here? Why was  _ he _ here?

He remembered being dragged to Odin. All the lies that Dyr spilled. The last thing he remembered was that awful golden light. As Odin bound his magic away. Locked him in the dark. And then nothing.

He was certain he would wake up in the dungeons.

“Mother,” It was such a sad sound with how tight his throat was.

His hand reached out towards her. It was almost embarrassing how much he needed her right now.

“I’m right here, Loki,” she said, leaning in to place a kiss onto his forehead.

When she went to sit back down Loki nearly cried out at the loss of contact. He was like a scared child again.

Frigga was back at his side in an instant. She climbed into the empty space next to Loki and bundled him to her chest. Her hand ran through his hair with soothing strokes. Loki leaned into the warmth. The comfort. It was something that he’d needed for years now. Something that he never let himself have. Until now.

“He is not going to hurt you again, Loki,” Frigga’s voice was tenacious. “I’m supposed to protect you. That’s my job. It doesn’t matter how old you are, I will always be here for you.”

Loki squeezed his eyes shut as tears spilled out. They soaked into Frigga’s dress

“Would you like me to stay?”

Loki could only nod.

oOo

Now that he was awake Frigga could offer him some medicine. Ones that would help with the pain and the shaking. His body shook because it had never gone without his magic before. It was struggling to readjust. Thankfully the medicine helped to calm the tremors. Helped to mask the pain. But it didn’t stop the pervasive cold. It felt like he would never be warm again.

Frigga tried to offer him food but he couldn’t stomach it. His body rejected the sight of it. The twisting in his gut wouldn’t allow for anything to stay down.

The worst part was when Loki would go to use his magic without thinking. When all he felt in response was a deep, empty nothingness, Loki wanted to scream. He never realised how much he used magic for all the little things.

It had been the dead of night when Loki had first woken up. He hadn’t gone back to sleep since and neither had Frigga. 

After an hour or two Loki was able to stand up. At first he had been rather wobbly on his feet. The shaking in his limbs didn’t help. But after taking the medicine he was starting to get better. The more he moved around the easier it would be. 

Loki was changing out of his sweat soaked clothes when he felt his hand catch against something. He withdrew folded paper from his trouser pocket. When he unfurled it his breath caught in his throat. The sketch of Freydis smiled back at him. A painful reminder of something else he’d lost.

Loki fell to his knees when he came to a sudden realisation. He would never see her again. With no magic flowing through his veins he had no hope in Hel of ever conjuring her again. No Aevum Memoriae. No imprints. No her. He would never find out what happened to her. Never find out where her body was so he could say goodbye to her properly.

Frigga found him like that. On the floor of his wardrobe, in the midst of a panic attack. Only she didn’t truly understand what Loki was reacting to. She thought it was just about his magic. She couldn’t know how much more Loki had lost.

Frigga guided him back to the bed and laid him down. She gently took the picture out of his hand. Though when she looked at the image she froze. A strange emotion flickered in her eyes.

“Loki, who is this?” Frigga asked.

Loki couldn’t bring himself to utter a sound. So he stared wordlessly at the ceiling.

“But I drew this,” Frigga uttered under her breath. “This is done by my hand. How can I not remember something that I drew?”

Loki did not have the strength to tell her. If he began he would never stop and then he would lose the last tentative grip he had left on his control. Once that was gone he would just fall. Fall into a cavernous pit inside himself and never resurface. Maybe he already had.

The door to his room was smashed open abruptly and Loki flinched away from the sound. A very frantic Thor came rushing inside.

“Loki. Mother!” Thor shouted. The loudness of it made Loki wince. “I have only just returned from Vanaheim and the guards have told me that something has happened.”

Thor’s eyes landed on Loki and took in his battered and bruised visage. His face fell and he took an unsure step forward.

“Loki,” he breathed.

Frigga made her way over to Thor. With a hand on his arm she tried to lead him back out of the room. “Loki needs some space right now Thor.”

Thor tried to shake Frigga’s hand off. “I don’t understand. Brother, who did this to you?” 

His voice was so earnest and heart broken Loki couldn’t bare it. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block him out. It was bad enough that his mother saw him like this, he couldn’t cope with Thor being witness to it too.

Frigga led Thor outside despite his protests. She briefly popped her head through the door to say “I won’t be long Loki, I promise,” before she left the room too.

The room seemed so much bigger, so much emptier, when there was only him to fill it. How had he not noticed that before?

Muted light poured in from the windows. It was nearing midday but you couldn’t really tell. The sky was dark with heavy roiling clouds. He could hear the clatter of raindrops as they collided with his window. The sound was hollow rather than comforting.

This was the first time since he woke up that he was truly alone. He didn’t know how to handle that. So he just lay there and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t think he would be able to move. Would rather just close his eyes and black out everything. But he knew he couldn’t. If he closed his eyes he would see her. Bleeding out. Dying. Gone.

_ “I’m not going anywhere.” _

Loki gasped as he heard her voice. Freydis’s voice. Like a call leading him away from the dark.

She was there, standing near the window, staring into the city beyond. Her skin glowed as if she were illuminated by sunlight despite the rain outside. A memory. An imprint. An impossibility.

No hint or spark of magic flowed through his veins yet here she was.

Loki reached out for her. “Freydis?” It was a broken sound.

The memory faded away before Loki could move even an inch. 

“No,” he cried out. “Don’t go. Don’t go”

Then Loki felt a brush of magic against his cheek. He turned quickly towards the sensation and found Freydis lying next to him. A different memory. Her hand was placed delicately on his cheek. She looked up to him and smiled. His breath caught in his throat. It was like she was truly seeing him.

“ _ I’m still here, _ ” she whispered.

She was. Despite everything she was still here. Surely that meant something. Loki couldn’t stop the hope that crawled into his heart. It burned sharply and seemed to crack the ice that was settling in his veins.

That fiery spark of hope hurt so much more than the cold comfort of despair. The sickness of hope would only poison his heart further. When it withered away to nothing, he would still be empty and she would still be gone.

But for now he let the ice melt. He let that flame burn like it was the only thing he had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck him up Frigga.


	13. Cold at the alter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I could get the rest into one chapter but then this ended up being over 5000 on its own lol. I should get the last couple of chapters done by tomorrow.

Freydis did not leave Loki’s side. Even when Frigga came back in, she remained. In one memory or another she stayed in the room with him. He did not know how this was happening. The spell had never reacted this way. Never stayed for so long. But he didn’t want to question it. Didn’t want it to end. 

Most of the time the memories were silent. Just her comforting presence. Her smile. Her laugh. Sometimes she would even sing to him. It was enough to keep him going. Enough to stop him falling.

Frigga saw the change in him. Recognised something different in his eyes. She didn’t ask about it but Loki knew she had seen something in him. The way her eyes glittered hopefully towards him told him as much.

It reached a point where the sky had begun to truly darken. As night drew in a storm was raging outside. He could hear the howling wind and the slap of the rain. When the light began to wane so did Frigga. Her eyelids were drooping and she fought to keep herself awake. She drifted off a few times.

Loki tapped her arm gently and she blinked awake.

“Loki, are you okay? Do you need something?” her voice was thick with tiredness.

“You should go to bed, mother,” he said.

“No, I’m fine Loki,” she said with a shake of her head “I don’t want you to be alone.”

But he wasn’t alone. For a second his eyes flicked up to where Freydis was sitting. She was reading a book and humming a happy melody.

“I’ll be alright for a little while. You should get some sleep.”

Frigga looked up to him. Assessing if he was right, if he would be okay. She must have seen something because she nodded before climbing to her feet

“I won’t be gone too long Loki. I promise. There’s some medicine on the side. It should be nearly time for your next dose anyway.” She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before she made her way out.

He waited until the door was settled to try and stand up. His legs were still quite weak and the shaking was starting back up. His hand encircled the glass bottle containing his medicine and he downed it in one. It took a few minutes for it to permeate his body. Thankfully, magical remedies still worked on you even if you had no magic left.

“ _ Do you trust me, Loki? _ ” Freydis’s imprint said from behind him.

Loki spun to her. She was facing away from him. Towards a version of Loki that he could not see. He knew this was a memory but he still found himself replying.

“Yes, of course. Always,” he whispered.

The memory faded and another took its place. This time she was by the door. She turned back around to look at Loki.

_ “Will you follow me?” _

Follow her? He would follow her anywhere. But this was just a memory. A single point in time from years gone by. She was addressing a different Loki. A Loki that was long lost.

Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was something more. This imprint of her didn’t just feel like an image anymore. It felt more real. More corporeal. There was a presence behind her eyes. A true awareness that he couldn’t unsee. She looked at Loki and she  _ saw _ him. She was asking  _ him _ to follow. Not some memory.

Something was guiding him. Using her memories to do it.

“Yes,” his voice cracked “Yes, I’ll follow you.”

The imprint of Freydis smiled at him before opening the door and stepping through. It took Loki a few seconds to realise that it was truly his door that she opened. Not a memory.

Loki raced after Freydis. Determined not to lose sight of her. Yet as soon as he skipped over the threshold she vanished. A panicked sound from behind him had him spinning back around, peering back into the room he just vacated. 

It was a mess. Not from his destructive rage days ago. This was a different mess, from a different time. With Freydis standing at the centre of it. Her hair was beautifully styled and pinned back. The gown she wore was elaborate and expensive. The type she would wear to a feast.

_ “Who did this?” she cried, looking around her in a panic. “They stole everything.” _

When Loki looked it didn’t seem like anything had been taken. He could see almost all of his possessions spread out across his floor. That’s when he realised she wasn’t talking about  _ his _ things. She was talking about  _ hers _ . The possessions that Loki had found locked up in an abandoned room.

The memory of Freydis spun back around and charged out the door. There was a fear and an anger in her eyes. She walked as fast as her dress would allow her back down the hall. Loki had to jog to catch up to her.

This memory must have been from when all of Freydis’s possessions were stolen from their room. Did that mean this memory was from the day she was killed? Was Freydis showing him her last memories?

Loki didn’t even notice the barrier ahead of him until he walked straight through it. The air glowed with a golden light and even the cuffs on his wrists lit up. But Loki was already on the other side of it. 

Nothing blocked him. No pain shot through his body.

Loki came to an abrupt stop when he realised what had happened. _ I can get through the barriers! Why can I get through the barriers?  _

His eyes drifted down to his wrists. To the cuffs that encircled them. The barriers were linked to the cuffs. Which were linked to his magic. As long as he had magic in his veins he could never pass through them.

But his magic was gone. Buried so deep within him that even the cuffs could not find it. Could not use it against him.

In his rush to punish him Odin had made a huge mistake. Now Loki could go anywhere and there was nothing that could stop him.

He ran after Freydis before she could hurry out of sight. His entire focus was on her. The palace no longer existed around him. It was just the two of them stumbling through the dark.

There were moments when Freydis would slow. A hand went to her head and her breathing would deepen. As if walking was a struggle. Loki didn’t know what to make of it. Before this memory, there had been no hint of her being ill. But now she looked deathly pale.

_ “Freydis are you okay? You don’t look good.” An imprint of Astrid appeared around a corner. She walked right up to Freydis with concern blooming in her eyes. _

_ Freydis slowed and tried to smile at Astrid but it looked more like a grimace.  _

_ “I’m fine Astrid. You should go back to the feast.” Her tone was hurried and there was still a hint of anger despite how much she seemed to be restraining it. _

_ Astrid did not look convinced at all “Are you sure? Maybe you could do with some fresh air.” _

_ “You’re probably right,” Freydis said “But I need to find Loki first. Do you know where he is?” _

_ “He was near the entrance to the great hall, I think,” _

_ “Thank you, Astrid,” Freydis nodded before walking away. _

_ Astrid stared after her. She looked like she was debating whether to follow her or not. Ultimately, she decided to let her go. _

The imprint of Astrid vanished as soon as Loki stalked passed her. Only the memory of Freydis remained as she led him towards the great hall.

A flash of light illuminated the dark sky. Followed closely by a low rumble that could be felt in the very foundations of the palace. It made the air feel charged.

An imprint of Loki appeared where Astrid said he would be. Standing alone outside of the great hall.

_ There was a tightness in his jaw and a worry in his eyes that was clear for all to see. His hand tightened around the cup in his hand. He drained the contents in one gulp. _

_ “Loki!” Freydis kept her voice low but it still packed a punch. _

_ Loki’s eyes widened and shot to her instantly. He began to walk towards her but she was already there, grabbing his arm and leading him away from the doorway. _

_ “Freydis what’s wrong? What happened?” Loki was rightly alarmed. _

_ She only stopped walking when they were around the corner. Her head spun around, checking the corridors, before her gaze settled back onto Loki. _

_ “Someone broke into our room,” Freydis explained. _

_ Loki was instantly on edge. Every part of his body looked ready to jump into action. _

_ “What? When? Did you see anyone?” Loki’s face seemed to pale. _

_ Freydis didn’t answer his questions. Instead she turned the topic back around to Loki “I need you to tell me the truth, Loki. I know you are keeping something from me.” _

_ “I’m not I-” _

_ “Don’t lie to me Loki!” There were tears in her eyes. Her hands were clenched into fists. They shook from either fear or anger. “We’re supposed to be a team. We’re supposed to trust each other!” _

_ Loki’s hands went to Freydis’s face. “I do trust you. Of course I trust you.” _

_ “Then why won’t you tell me,” she whispered “I know it’s something bad. You’ve hardly slept for weeks,” _

_ “I can’t!” the pain in Loki’s voice was palpable. “If I tell anyone people will get hurt. I’m trying to protect you!” _

_ It didn’t seem possible but somehow Freydis’s face fell more at his words. She reached up and removed Loki’s hands from her face. Her lips were a tight line as she stepped away from him. _

_ “That is exactly what my father said. He kept everything a secret to protect us but look what happened. My mother died Loki! She died because my father thought he could handle things on his own.” Her voice was full of tears. A few spilled out down her cheeks but she made no move to wipe them away. “I thought you would know better.” _

_ She turned away and began to walk back down the corridor. _

_ “Freydis please,” Loki called after her desperately. _

_ “I need some air Loki,” she said “I need some space.” _

Loki didn’t have time to react to what he saw. Didn’t have time to chastise himself. He had to chase Freydis’s retreating form.

She was right: he should have known better. Eirick’s secrets were what got Kala killed. His own must have been what killed Freydis. Now he was going to watch the consequences of his secrets play out in front of him.

_ “Why can’t he just be honest with me?” _

This was a memory he had seen before. The very first spontaneous memory. He knew it was important back then. Now he knew precisely why.

Freydis wandered into the garden beyond and Loki hesitated. He knew what would be waiting for him outside these palace walls. Felt it in his soul. These were Freydis’s final memories. The last moments of her life. The only thing he would find in those gardens would be her death.

To watch that would break him irreparably. Shatter him into pieces so tiny he could never be put back together. 

But he owed it to her. He owed it to her to see her final memories. Not to back away from them like a coward. She deserved to be seen. To be remembered. All of her. Even at her darkest moment. Even at the end.

He had watched her whole life. Watched her grow, watched her live, watched her love. This was the final piece of the puzzle that was Freydis Eiricksdottir.

So for better or for worse, Loki stepped out of the palace walls and into the storm beyond.

oOo

The rain had soaked through Loki’s clothes as soon as he set foot outside. Freezing winds wicked away any warmth left within him. The chill seemed to permeate his very soul. But Loki couldn’t feel any of it. Hardly registered the rain that lashed against his face. Instead his only focus was on the imprint of him that materialised before his eyes.

_ “Freydis,” he called “Freydis are you out here?” _

_ The imprint of Loki stumbled out of the palace. His skin had taken on a frightening ashen quality. He even had to pause for a second against the door frame. It looked like he was struggling to breathe. _

Loki couldn’t help but see the similarities to his current state. The shake in his limbs. The sickness in his stomach. It seemed like past Loki was going through the same thing he was. Only it couldn’t be possible because Loki had never had his magic bound before.

Loki followed on as the imprint of him staggered into the garden. There was no moonlight to guide him. No stars for him to follow. The dark clouds that swirled above almost buried him in a blanket of darkness. 

But the imprint of Loki could see. He just had to trust himself and follow along

_ “Freydis you were right,” his imprint said. _

Both of them weaved around some trees. Beyond them lay an open meadow. In the daylight it was filled with wildflowers. A swath of colour that painted the landscape. It had always been one of Freydis’s favourite places.

_ “Freydis please I-” He lifted his eyes to the meadow in front of him.  _

_ His imprint saw her a split second before he did “Freydis!” _

Loki broke into a run at the sight of her. His counterpart was not too far behind him. She was deathly pale in the moonlight. It only made the red of her blood stand out more starkly against her skin. She lay in the middle of that meadow bleeding out into the soft grass. Even in the torrential rain Loki could see her clearly

A terror so all consuming and powerful barrelled into him with the force of a tidal wave. It swept him up so quickly he was almost lost in it.

She was hurt.

Freydis was hurt.

He had to get to her.

He had to reach her.

He didn’t know if this was just the memory of his fear or a new panic that filled his veins.

Loki and his memory were both running neck and neck. Both desperate to reach Freydis. But they didn’t make it. 

_ A dark magic encircled his imprint’s body and forced him to his knees.  _

Loki found himself crashing into the mud next to him. It splattered up his face and soaked through his clothes. 

He couldn’t move. His muscles and limbs had frozen in place. As if he too had been magically bound.

_ The memory of Loki seemed to fight against it. He struggled against his bindings. It should have been easy to break. Barely required any effort at all. He should have rendered the force nothing more than a wisp of smoke. But he couldn’t. The realisation seemed to spread across his face in horror. _

_ “Glad you could finally join the party, Loki,” A nasally voice came from somewhere to the right of them.  _

It was a voice he knew all too well.

_ “Dyr!?” _

_ Freydis’s hands shook as she tried to cover the wound in her stomach. It did little to help and the blood seeped through her fingers. Her eyes were wide and distant as shock was setting in. _

Loki tried to move. Tried to shake off the phantom magic that encompassed his body. It was from the past it shouldn’t be affecting him now. Yet all of his muscles were frozen tight. No matter how much he strained he could not move. 

It was as if he was reliving everything that he had gone through on that dreaded night. Even the magic that bound him. Even the pain.

_ Dyr’s laugh cut through the meadow as he came into view. “Are you surprised?” _

When Loki turned to his right he noticed a swirling portal behind Dyr.  _ Brygdir _ , he realised. A doorway between one place and another. Within it lay A sparse room made of a strange blue stone. The likes of which would not be found in the palace. It seemed to be a dark catacomb somewhere. Only lit by torches along the walls. Loki had an awful feeling that he recognised the architecture. Only there could be no way that Dyr had ever been to the sanctuary. Not the place that Thanos called home.

_ The imprint of Loki tried to escape his confines. He roared with the strength of his attempts. But no matter how much he tried he could not break them. _

_ “I wouldn’t even try Loki. The Seiðr’s Bane will be well and truly in your system by now,” _

Seiðr’s Bane! That was a poison. It slowly drained a sorcerer of their magic, until there was nothing left. The effects could last for up to a full day. If Dyr was speaking truth then the Loki from the past was as powerless as he was now.

_ “I will kill you,” Loki’s voice was pure venom. _

_ Dyr leaned down towards Loki with a sick smile on his face. There was something wrong with his eyes. They were almost entirely black. With dark strands surrounding the skin around them. He looked nothing short of demonic. _

_ “Come on then.” He offered “I’m right here.” _

_ Loki struggled against Dyr’s magic. But he couldn’t move.  _

_ Dyr’s eyes lit up like he was enjoying every second of this. His hand shot out like a flash towards Loki. A small dagger cut a line across his cheek. It wasn’t deep, just enough to draw blood. Dyr pressed the flat of the blade against the wound until it was thoroughly coated in Loki’s blood. _

Loki felt a slice across his own cheek. Yet there was no blood spilled. No wound made. It was the phantom pain from a lost memory.

_ “I wasn’t going to let Freydis have all the fun. I’ve added a few things to the ritual with you specifically in mind.” Dyr climbed to his feet and stepped back into that magical portal. _

Ritual?

That’s when Loki saw what lay in that portal beyond. There was some kind rune circle carved onto the floor, with deep grooves. Lines spread out from its centre connecting to smaller rune circles. It was so different to the ones that Loki was used to. It was incredibly detailed and intricate. With many symbols that Loki had never come across. Several objects were placed at key intervals around the circle. Each of them bristling with a dark coiling energy. 

In the centre of it all was the sceptre-dagger. The mind stone. The blue glow pulsed like a quickened heartbeat. Its blade was pointed down as if someone had physically stabbed it into the stone. Deep red blood dripped off of it into the cracks where the runes were carved. Freydis’s blood.

Dyr was doing blood magic. That dark, forbidden craft that could have far-reaching consequences. Not just that, he was using an infinity stone. An infinity stone that Loki was all too familiar with.

_ “I want you to suffer Loki,” he could hear Dyr through the portal but it was muffled. As if he was speaking through water. “I want you to hate yourself. After this you won’t even remember what being happy felt like. I am going to watch you crumble. Relishing every second of it.” _

_ Dyr tilted the dagger over one of the smaller circles. His blood splashed onto the stone below. As soon as it touched the ground, the circle it was in began to pulse with an ominous red glow. _

_ “Why?” Loki cried. _

_ Dyr turned back to him with blazing eyes. He stormed back out of the portal to stand menacingly above Loki. _

_ “Because I can. Because I want to. Because it feels good. Because I needed to make you hurt. Both of you. For ever having the gall to embarrass me like you did. To disgrace me. Freydis was supposed to be mine. I will make you both pay for stealing what belongs to me.” Dyr spat. _

“She doesn’t belong to anybody.” Both Loki’s yelled at the same time. 

The idea that she belonged to anybody, like she was something to be possessed, made Loki feel violently ill.

_ “Not anymore she doesn’t,” Dyr laughed coldly “Look at her. I think I can see the light leaving her eyes already.” _

Loki turned to where she lay. Freydis had her arm outstretched. She was reaching out for him and he couldn’t get to her. He couldn’t move.

“Freydis!” he screamed.

_ “You all underestimated me. None of you thought that I was capable enough. Strong enough. Especially not my old father. He thinks me weak but my new father doesn’t. Thanos can see how powerful I am. How ambitious. He values me for what I have.” Dyr said “He has promised me power beyond my wildest dreams. The only obstacle left is you Loki. I just need you to finally comply and get that Casket for us.” _

Loki almost flinched when Dyr mentioned Thanos’s name. How was it possible? How deeply had that Mad Titan fucked with his mind? With his life?

Also if it was Thanos he had been working for then where did Laufey come into this?

_ “I can’t get that Casket, it's too heavily guarded,” Loki’s counterpart cursed. _

_ “That’s because you aren’t trying. You’ve been spending all your time trying to protect her,” Dyr pointed accusingly to Freydis. “I told Thanos myself, that if we truly wanted you to find what we needed then Freydis would have to go. He agreed with glee. Even offered me some of his most powerful weapons.” _

_ “But this,” Dyr turned towards the portal marveling at his own ritual circle. “This is truly something else. Even Thanos was impressed by my creativity. My tenacity. You see, I devised a way to completely eradicate someone's soul. It extinguishes their essence until not even a single memory of them exists. Not even in the darkest corners of your mind. Of anyone's mind. It would be like they never even lived.” _

So this is what he did. 

It was so much worse than he feared. It wasn’t only the memory of her that was gone. Dyr was talking about her very soul. About annihilating her from existence as if she were never here. If that was true then she would never move on. Never ascend to that world beyond. To Valhalla that should have awaited her. She would just be gone. 

Nothing and nowhere.

Loki felt acid burn up his throat. It was so abhorrent, so evil. Every cell in his body was rejecting the idea. Loki had never felt more terrified. More powerless. His throat seared with tears as he ached to get to Freydis.

_ “But I’ll remember though. Thanos and I will be the only people in the world that know the truth. I will lord this over you as long as there is still breath in my lungs. Your life will come crashing down all around you and we’ll be able to manipulate you like clay. You will help us to right this universe. To bring balance. With me at the helm.” _

But Dyr didn’t remember. He’d seen the confusion that spread across his face. Even when Loki had him completely under his control. When he spat at him and accused him of murder, there had been no flicker of understanding. Just genuine perplexity. 

And Loki had certainly never seen Dyr amongst Thanos’s children. He would remember seeing that smug bastard's face. Would have probably tried to kill him if he had the chance.

Did that mean that the ritual went wrong somehow?

That’s when Loki noticed that he could move his fingers. His eyes slid over to his memory.

_ His counterpart’s mouth was a set line. A sheer determination shone in his eyes. A faint green light spilled out between his fingers. There was still a spark of magic left within him. It wasn’t all taken yet! His imprint was burrowing down into the depths of his own magical core. _

“ _ Where does Laufey come into this? The Jotuns?” Memory Loki focused on breaking the bonds around him. Burning through the magic that held him. _

_ “I told my new father stories of the nine realms. He was particularly interested in the Frost giants. In their drive and their ability to invade planets. Thanos always needs more people for his righteous army. But without their Casket they are hardly useful. So Thanos tasked me with arming them.” _

Loki’s arms twitched. The bonds were loosening.

_ “The Jotuns would never follow you. As soon as you gave them what they wanted they would kill you.” Loki had to keep Dyr talking. _

_ “They wouldn’t dare go up against my power,” Dyr spat. _

_ “You have no power,” Loki growled. He nearly had his whole arm free now. _

Loki was desperate to move. Desperate to get to Freydis. Her breathing was getting shallower by the second. If he didn’t get to her soon she would fade away.

_ “I’ll show you power!” Dyr spun around and stormed back through the portal. _

_ He began to chant. Brusque, sharp words in a dark tongue Loki could not understand. A storm of magical energy spilled from his hands. It seeped into the rune circle, making it ignite with black flames. _

Loki began to feel a charge build up around him. It was thick and heavy and vibrated with power. Like the way the air felt before lightning strikes. This was what that dark spell had felt like. The stifling inevitably of it. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Like air was being ripped from his lungs.

_ Loki tore at his bindings with a raw unfettered rage. His arm ripped out and aimed towards the portal. He poured every last drop of power that he could into the palm of his hand. It started off as a tiny spark and then grew. Grew until that green light encircled his whole hand. _

_ And then let it loose. _

_ Like an arrow from a bow, it sliced through the air. It burned straight through the portal like there was nothing there and landed in the centre of the rune circle. Right when the magic was reaching its precipice. _

_ The effects were instantaneous. His magic reacted with the volatile magic in the air like a flame to oil. It exploded outwards in a ball of black and green flames.Dyr had been in mid-laugh when his whole left side was engulfed by a wall of fire. _

The portal vanished in the blink of an eye and the hold on Loki disappeared. He could finally move

Loki didn’t waste any time trying to catch his breath. He was already crawling towards Freydis. The strength was leaving her. She couldn’t even reach for him anymore. Her eyes told of unfathomable pain.

_ “Freydis,” he sobbed “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” _

_ The imprint of him reached her. His hands went to cover the wound. They shook in their attempt to staunch the flow of blood. But it wasn’t enough. She needed to be healed but there was no magic left in his veins. Not even that faint spark. _

It was too late.

It wasn’t enough.

He wasn’t enough back then and he wasn’t enough now. All he could do was watch. Watch as his life shattered before his eyes

_ The memory of him gave up on stopping the bleeding. Even he knew that it was too late. Instead he wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest. He crushed his face into the top of her head and cried into her hair. _

“ _ Lo. Loki” _ . Her voice was barely a whisper. It was almost carried away by the buffeting winds.

The sound only made him sob harder.

The charge in the air was still there. Climbing, increasing, reaching a fever pitch. He had failed. He had given everything he had left but the power from that awful ritual was still building around him.

_ Loki held Freydis to him with a crushing intensity. _

Loki knew exactly what his imprint was thinking at that moment. He was refusing to ever let her go. He would die before that happened. The magic would have to tear her from his cold dead hands.

He would not let go.

He would not let go.

He would not-

_ Freydis’s body vanished completely. There was no sound. No light. No swirling force of magic. She was simply there one second and gone the next. As if she never existed at all. _

She was gone.

No body. No blood. Nothing.

She was just...gone.

_ Loki pitched forward onto the ground below him. He just about caught himself before he landed in the dirt. He rubbed at his forehead with a groan. There was a strange tremble in his hands. He dropped his hand to gaze around him in confusion. _

_ “Why the hel am I outside?” He muttered to himself “Has someone spiked me?” _

_ Loki climbed up from the ground onto shaky legs. He walked back towards the palace without even a single glance back. _

Loki screamed at the imprint to stop. To turn around. He pleaded with him to come back. 

“Stop you can’t leave her! You can’t leave!” But no matter how much he screamed it didn’t matter. The memory of Loki walked away and he couldn’t stop him. 

Blood spilled down Loki’s chin, pouring from his nose, as the very last memory of Freydis settled into his mind. He buckled under the weight of it. 

There was only silence left in his head. A bleak empty nothingness. Even as he screamed and screamed and screamed. 

Gone.

Gone.

She was gone.

He couldn’t go on. He couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t even breathe. His chest was just an empty cavern where his heart used to be. A hollow persistent nothingness. It was agonising. A worst torment than any he had already faced.

_ Come back. Come back. COME BACK. _

Loki brought his hand up. There was no magic left. Not even that faint spark that his past self had found. Yet he couldn’t stop himself from trying. He just needed to see her one last time.

“Aevum Memoriae.” 

There was only a chasm within him. The words held no power. They meant nothing now

“Aevum Memoriae.” a sob ripped its way out of his throat.

“Aevum Memoriae. Aevum Memoriae. Aevum Memoriae,” he cried those words until they became gibberish. Just a collection of sounds.

_ Please. _ Loki hadn’t prayed in years but he had nothing left.  _ Norns above I’m begging you. Please just let me see her one more time. _

Loki squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t cope looking at the desolate space that she used to fill.

But a bright light began to glow beyond him. It seeped behind his closed eyes. Almost like a caress, begging him to open them. His eyes shot open and he gasped. It wasn’t from the lightning up above, it came from in front of him. 

Loki cried out at the sight. At the swirling light that coalesced and reformed. A silhouette that glowed like a star. An image of Freydis that reappeared onto the sodden ground.

No imprint had ever glowed that way before. Had never emitted such power. But Loki didn’t pay attention to any of that. All he saw was the body of his wife. All he saw was a chance to say goodbye.

Loki raced over to her. He could barely stand so he half-crawled his way through the freezing mud. Nothing could stop him from getting to her now. No wind or rain or lightning could strike him down.

There was a sound of guards in the distance. They must have heard Loki’s cries. If they found him they would surely lock him away. But Loki didn’t care about them. All he cared about was her.

When he got there the glow was dying down. It melted back into her skin leaving only her. 

Loki wound his arms around her and brought her to his chest. His mind was too far gone for him to notice that he could physically hold her. That unlike any of the other memories this memory was solid. Was tangible. That there was a warmth that poured off of her. 

He didn’t register any of that. He just shut his eyes and held her close. Though for just a brief second he could swear that he felt the ghost of a breath against his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Loki doesn't deserve this" I say as I'm the one writing this and making this happen to him.


	14. I would pay the cost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit iffy about this chapter. I'm not sure if it interferes with the flow of the story or not but I feel like we needed to see what Freydis has been going through.

**Freydis **

_ 50 years ago _

Freydis spilled out into the garden. She needed the fresh air to help her think. Needed the space to calm her down. The air was crisp and cool around her. She gulped it down greedily. 

The sky was a blanket of stars and nebulae above her. Not an errant cloud in sight. She barely gave it a glance as she made her way further into the garden.

Freydis was putting as much distance between her and Loki as she could. He had called after her but she tried to ignore it. After hearing him confess that there was something going on, that he had been lying to her, Freydis couldn’t look at him.

He said that it was to protect her, to keep her safe. She believed that at least. He wasn’t doing this maliciously. Freydis knew that as soon as she saw his reaction. He genuinely believed that he was helping her by keeping this to himself. By shouldering all of the burden.

But Freydis had already been through this once. She couldn’t stop seeing her mother’s broken body. Couldn’t stop seeing the pain and desperation in her father’s eyes. Her father had believed just as strongly as Loki did. That he could protect them all if he kept his struggles hidden.

But he failed. Failed because people can’t beat these kinds of things on their own. No matter how strong they think they are. 

Freydis thought that Loki would know better. He had seen the consequences with his own eyes. Had held her as she cried over her dead mother. 

This was too similar. This whole situation. Freydis had watched over the past few weeks as Loki grew more distant; as he grew more agitated; as a deep fear rooted in his eyes and never left. She’d seen it before with her own father. At first she dismissed it, telling herself that she was being silly, just placing old fears onto something unrelated. But it reached a point that she couldn’t ignore it anymore. 

Seeing their room trashed had been the tipping point. It was proof that something was wrong. Something with far reaching effects. She couldn’t stop the thoughts that popped into her head. That Loki was being threatened just as her father had been. And she knew how that ended. The idea that it could happen all over again sent her into a panic.

Her pulse raced through her at an alarming speed. It made her limbs quake and her stomach turn. An ache behind her eyes had her slowing her pace. 

Freydis began to notice the wildflowers that had appeared around her. They were washed out by the light of the moon but they were no less beautiful. She brought herself to a stop in the middle of them. The light of the palace was quite a way behind her now. The only sound she could hear was the whistling of the wind and the distant sound of a party. A feast for those returning from a battle.

Freydis tried to ignore the sound and concentrate on calming her own heart. After several deep breaths she still found herself unable to. Her hand reached up to her forehead. 

Not to suppress pain this time but to feel the temperature. She almost groaned when she felt the heat pouring off her skin. It wasn’t just panic she was feeling: she was sick.

Aesir and Jotuns weren’t as susceptible to illnesses as other beings were but they still fell ill occasionally. It didn’t help that Freydis was a healer. She was more likely to come into contact with something. 

At her realisation, Freydis knew she had to go back inside. She needed to take some potions before the sickness settled in.

“It is a lovely night, don’t you think?” came a voice from behind her.

Freydis startled and turned towards the sound. It felt like her heart flew into her throat. She hadn’t expected anyone else to be around. When her eyes settled on the newcomer she was even more surprised.

“Dyr? What are you doing here?” she hated how breathless she sounded, how rattled. But her racing pulse wasn’t helping her to stay calm.

She did not like to be around Dyr. Never had really. But after rejecting their betrothal he had been especially volatile around her. Usually hurling one insult or another. It never really escalated beyond that, thankfully. Even though she could tell that he wanted to get into her face and intimidate her. Dyr knew that she was stronger than him. That she would not hesitate to knock him on his arse if he tried anything.

Dyr was standing several feet away from her with his hands firmly behind his back. She couldn’t see his face properly from this distance but she could see that his skin was deathly pale in the moonlight. He took a step closer to her and smiled with his teeth.

“I’m just out for a midnight stroll,” Dyr walked closer to her. Freydis tried to suppress the urge to back away. She wouldn’t show him that he affected her. “How about you? What’s got you wandering about in the dark?”

He was finally close enough for Freydis to see his eyes. When she did she gasped. His pupils were dilated to an almost impossible size. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot and red. But it was what lay outside his eyes that concerned her greatly. Black vein-like markings that surrounded his eyes. It looked almost like sepsis. Blood poisoning. Only they pulsed with a dark, writhing magic.

Vigor Myrica. Dyr had taken Vigor Myrica. 

It was an exceptionally rare plant found deep within bogs. When ground up into a powder and inhaled it increased a sorcerer’s magic. It gave them an unnatural strength.

The only reason Freydis knew what it was is because she had read about it in medical texts. The consumption of it was banned across Asgard because of how dangerous it could be. It could make people go berzerk.

Freydis backed away from Dyr. He was dangerous. Her hands came up to blast Dyr away from her. A magic she had used many times. Something that should jump to her hands in an instant.

But when Freydis reached down into her core she found nothing. No spark. No charge. No power. A panicked cry slipped out of her, unbidden. Never before had she searched for magic and came back with nothing. There wasn’t even a hum of that comforting song in her veins. It was gone!

Dyr tilted his head to the side and smirked at her. It was a predatory kind of smile.

“Is something wrong, Freydis?” he asked as if he knew exactly what had happened.

_ He’s done something to me _ . Freydis’s stomach clenched in abject horror. She had no proof but she could feel it in her bones. Dyr had done something to her magic. He’d taken hers and given his own a boost.

Every cell in her body was screaming to her to flee. So she listened to her instincts. Freydis turned to run. Only for a large hand to shoot out and encircle her forearm. Its grip was bruising as it tried to bring her back to him.

“Where do you think you’re going? You should stay and enjoy the garden.” Dyr’s voice was saccharine sweet to cover the poison that lay beneath.

Freydis struggled beneath Dyr’s clutches. She tried to wrench her arm free but Dyr held strong.

But Freydis wasn’t going down without a fight. Magic or no magic, her mother taught her how to get the upper hand. Freydis grabbed Dyr’s wrist with her free hand and twisted. At the same time she pulled her other hand towards her. Right where Dyr’s fingers and thumb met. Her arm slipped out of his grip.

She didn’t waste any time and brought the heel of her shoe down onto his foot. As well as an elbow to the point just below his sternum.

Dyr growled. Whether in pain or anger she didn’t know. But she was no longer in his grasp so Freydis didn’t hesitate to run. She kicked off those stupid heels and forged on bare foot. 

“HELP! GUARDS!”

Adrenaline coursed through her veins but she wasn’t moving fast enough. Her limbs were still shaky and the fucking skirts kept getting caught under her feet.

Dyr should have been winded. Should have been in pain. It should have given her a head start. But he recovered almost instantly. That unnatural substance that ran through his veins gave him an advantage.

He reached her in no time at all. One second she was running away from him and the next he was in front of her.

She didn’t feel it at first. Felt nothing as a conjured blade was buried deep into her gut. As it tore through her flesh. She barely registered anything beyond a shock of cold. Like ice shooting through her core. 

Then she was falling. Pushed backwards by the force of Dyr’s attack.

Freydis landed on her back with a choked gasp. Dyr pushed the knife deeper, almost to the strange blue orb at its hilt. He relished at the look of panic and shock in her eyes.

Freydis looked down and balked at the sight of the blade. It stuck out of her like some obscene effigy. Deep red blood seeped out around it, soaking through the white fabric. It felt wrong. Disgustingly wrong. Her body rejected the sensation of having something so alien piercing through her. 

It shouldn’t be there. It shouldn’t be there.

At first she had felt nothing but now she felt everything. As if seeing it was the catalyst for her brain to catch up.

It had originally been cold but now she was burning. A raging fire so intense she could no longer breathe, no longer think. She couldn’t even scream. Pain radiated out from the blade, searing through her body.

The edges of her vision darkened and she could barely hear anything over the deafening ringing in her head.

“I’d say that this was nothing personal but that would be a lie,” Dyr said from where he crouched next to her.

Then his hand wrapped back around that blade.

_ No NO! Don’t take it out! You're not supposed to. The blood. The blood. _ If Dyr removed that blade there would be nothing stopping her from bleeding out. She’d seen enough stab wounds to know.

Dyr noted the fear in her eyes and smiled. Then he tore the knife out with a brutal speed.

The pain signals in her brain went haywire. Like violent lightning shooting through her entire being. It rendered her body useless and she couldn’t move.

She heard someone screaming. It took a few moments before she realised that it was her. The sound of it was almost alien. 

Her scream died in her throat. It only made the pain worse. Every breath felt like it was tearing her insides apart. She tried to make her breaths more shallow. In the hopes that it would lessen the agony.

Freydis’s hands reached to cover the wound. The blood coated her shaking fingers. She didn’t have enough strength to apply the pressure that was needed.

“You can thank your beloved husband for this.” Dyr stood up and began to move towards a strange glowing object. A circle of light that she had not noticed before. His head shot back towards the palace and he grinned. “Oh, I think I hear him now.”

Dyr disappeared into that circle of light, taking the knife with him.

She couldn’t help the tears that spilled out when she finally saw Loki. When she saw him crash to the ground in front of her, unable to move. 

He was too far away. Too far.

She tried to reach for him but it was useless.

There was talking but she couldn’t comprehend it anymore. Her vision was tunneling. Darkening. She could no longer see the stars above her. Even the pain started to dull. As the blood left her body so did the burning. Instead she was left with a profound feeling of cold.

A foul dark-tinged magic began to seep into the air. It condensed around Freydis. Drawn towards her like gravity. It burrowed down and invaded every one of Freydis’s cells. Until her whole body was bristling with it.

Loki’s arms wrapped around her but she could no longer feel them. All she could sense now was that evil power coursing through her. But he was there. 

He was there. 

He was there.

“Lo. Loki.” 

There was no great explosion or burst of power. One second she was tied to this plane of existence, made of flesh and bone and pain. Then the next second her tethers were cut. She became nothing. Her body disappeared as if it had never existed at all.

A husband forgot his wife.

A father forgot his daughter.

And a killer forgot that he was the one that caused it all.

* * *

Freydis was caught between the living and the dead. She was both and she was neither. An impossibility. She could walk through the dark mists of Helheim but she could also claw her way back to see the world of the living.

Not a shadow or a ghost but something in between.

It was so profoundly wrong it made the universe shudder. As long as she remained this way, the worlds were tipped off balance. Those powerful enough to sense it could recognise this but they did not know the cause.

The mind stone had sought to cast her from this universe. Body, soul and memory. Completely gone forever If the ritual had been successful that would be her new eternity. But it had been interrupted.

She should have been wiped from everyone's minds completely. To never again grace their thoughts. Their brains would heal over the gaps and they would never know that something was lost. 

But she didn’t disappear entirely. 

It was like a page torn from a journal. Even though the words were gone an impression of them was still left on the page beneath.

An impression of Freydis still existed in the minds of all who had known her. She was still there in the deep recesses of their mind. A Freydis shaped gap that just needed to be filled.

It was enough of a link to still tie her to the world of the living.

A link that the ruler of Helheim greatly appreciated. It usually took Hela a great amount of power to glimpse upon the world of the living. But it seemed that she could ‘hitch a ride’ whenever Freydis ventured back. It made her an asset in the goddess’s eyes.

Hela had been incredibly confused and intrigued to find Freydis wandering through her realm. She had cornered her and demanded to know who she was. When Freydis told her story Hela looked at her with a new light. It seemed that the two of them had something common. Freydis was not the only or the first to be cast from everyone’s memories. A fact that was both a comfort and a horror.

The goddess of death of a strange companion to say the least. But when she was the only person Freydis could talk to she wasn’t exactly going to shun the company. If she was left to wander the worlds alone forever she would have truly lost her mind.

So for nearly 50 years Freydis became a silent watcher. Seeing the lives of those she cared about play out around her. It was like peering through a window. She could see but she could not touch. No matter how much she shouted she could not be heard.

But in her determination to get people to see her she found that she still possessed a small amount of her magic. It was enough to send a vase crashing to the ground but not enough for them to notice that it was her that had caused it.

She had to watch as the man she loved slowly spiraled. As he began to shun the world around him and draw in on himself. It all reached a tipping point when Thor was to be crowned king. Freydis had to bear witness to Loki at his lowest ever point. She screamed as she watched him fall and screamed further when he fell into the hands of the very same Titan that had screwed up their lives so thoroughly.

She tried to fight, to lash out but the tiny amount of magic that she possessed was not enough. 

Even Hela did not mock her for her display of emotion. She too was enraged at Loki’s expense. Longed for the Titans death. Mostly due to the fact that Loki was her son. A preposterous notion that had thrown Freydis completely off balance when she first heard it.

Hela had purposely sought a union with Laufey in order to bear a significantly powerful heir. She was already pregnant when Odin cast her out and due to the way time moves in Helheim by the time Loki was born several hundred years had already passed in the world of living.

Both Freydis and Hela stayed by Loki’s side through everything that he went through. Though she did not know if Hela did it for any maternal reason or because it was one of the few interesting things she could do with her time. Freydis leaned towards the latter.

Freydis had been with Loki, keeping him company-not that he would know-while he was under house arrest, when Hela sought to visit her again.

“I think I may have found a solution to your problem, darling.” Hela said with bright eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I spoke with the Norns. Apparently you need to be remembered. Because the nature of the spell was to remove all traces of you, If someone remembers your life completely then the curse would break. And you would return to your body.”

Freydis could not believe what she was hearing. She never let herself hope that there was a way to fix this.

“Why did you do that for me?”

Hela rolled her eyes. “Well as much as I actually enjoy your company you cannot stay like this.” she motioned to Freydis’s translucent body “Your very presence is wrong and even Helheim is struggling to handle it. It started like a scratch but now the wound is growing. The longer you remain here the worse it will get until the very fabric of my realm becomes untethered.”

“So you’re going to help me,” Freydis asked skeptically.

Which earned her a hard glare. “Just follow my lead.”

So it was Freydis that burned through the wards in that hidden room in the library. 

It was her that pushed the pile of books over, not a rogue wind. She was the one that flicked open the pages until it landed on the right one. 

Freydis was the one to knock Loki off balance. To finally show him that first memory of her. The moment Loki’s eyes landed on that imprint of her the world became a little bit brighter. Freydis felt a piece of herself return. A tiny kernel of her essence. A spark of her old magic.

Each memory Loki found rebuilt a part of her. She became stronger. Until she could feel her old magic start to flow through her. To warm her.

Loki was finding more of her but it was slow going. He wasn’t discovering the memories he needed to figure out what happened. 

It was Hela that taught her how to form memories in the air. Memories that only Loki could see. Hela’s magic could not reach the world of the living but hers could.

Loki called them spontaneous memories but they weren’t, they were her.

She learned that she could enter the memories herself. For just a brief moment it was like she had a true body again. A true voice. She could use them to speak for her. To tell Loki that she loved him. So she showed him their wedding day. Their wedding dance. She looked into his eyes and told him she loved him.

But she saw how much it hurt him. How seeing her caused him such pain. It wasn’t a comfort like she thought it would be. It made her desperate to stop. She wasn’t worth putting him through all of this.

But Hela scorned her for her faltering resolve and told Freydis that she needed to do this. There was no other way.

Freydis showed him what she hoped was one of the final pieces of the puzzle. The threats from Dyr. With those he could figure out who did this and then he could find her. He was so close. So close, Freydis’s ghostly form positively vibrated.

But then Loki woke up. Woke up in a frenzy and a panic.

Freydis was incredibly confused and concerned. She did not know what had brought this about.

“He dreamt of your death.” Hela said simply.

Freydis did not control the dreams that Loki saw. Until this point she did not even know that his dreams had been full of memories too. It was not her magic that made these, this was something else.

“The Norns have been sending him dreams to help you along.” Hela answered her unspoken question.

Loki began to tear through his room like a hurricane. She wanted to reach out to comfort him.

“I’m not gone. I’m not gone, I'm right here!” 

“You’d better stop him, child. He’ll destroy what he needs to see.” Hela said.

Freydis reached out to Loki as he was about to throw a book across the room. A book full of Dyr’s handwriting. She had built up enough power over the last few weeks that it was almost like she could touch him.

Never before had she been able to make her presence known this way. For Loki to actually feel her. It took a lot of concentration and energy for her to do it. After she showed him what he needed to see she stretched her hands to cradle his face. She wanted to keep them there. For Loki to always know that she was with him. But she lost her energy and her hands slipped through him once more.

With the last pieces of the puzzle Loki finally discovered it was Dyr who had done this. She was right beside him as he raced towards the killer. Freydis did not want Loki to fight Dyr. Not while he was weakened this way. But despite her fears Loki found him anyway.

She screamed and raged as she watched Dyr hurt Loki. Then again as she watched Odin bind his magic. But she could do nothing. No matter how much she tried to hurl her magic or she couldn’t. No matter how much she screamed. It was as if there was an invisible force stopping her.

That invisible force turned out to be Hela. Freydis would have clawed at her if she could but her hand would just go right through her.

“This needs to happen you foolish girl. Without this he will never find you.”

Freydis did not want to listen to her. She tried everything to free herself from Hela’s grasp but she could not. She had to watch as the people around her hurt the person she loved more than anything.

Loki was empty and lost. He had no magic and no hope. But Freydis refused to leave his side. She showed him more memories of her. She became the memories. Forced herself into those imprints so she could stay with him. 

“I’m still here,” She used her memory to speak for her.

There was only one more memory that Loki needed to see. One more and she would be free of this place. One more and she could hold him again. 

But it would hurt him. Break him in a way that she did not know if she could fix. She almost refused to do it. Yet for some twisted reason she trusted Hela. She had led her this far.

So Freydis led Loki to that final memory. Yet when she passed through that doorway and into the garden she was thrown headlong into it. Forcefully thrown back into the imprint of her bleeding out onto the ground.

She did not want to be in this memory. She did not want to relive it this way. There was no pain but she had a distinct feeling of being trapped. Paralyzed. She was as powerless as Loki was as he got caught up in the memory too.

The memory reached a point where she could feel that foul magic once again. The magic that sent her here in the first place. She tried to reject it-to get away from it-but she was as helpless as she was the first time. 

The force began to surround her. It pulled at her and seeped into her soul. 

Colours faded around her and shadows began to swarm in. For one terrifying moment she thought that this had all been for nothing. That Hela had lied to her. Betrayed her.

But she hadn’t.

She heard Hela’s voice on the wind before all the other sounds faded away. “It was nice knowing you dear daughter-in-law. You’ve made the past 50 years somewhat tolerable.” and then she was gone.

Freydis the ghost disappeared and Freydis the person began to reform. She felt each cell rebuilding itself, piecing her body back together. She became flesh and bone and blood. It built up and up until-

Air shot into her lungs and the curse shattered around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always liked the headcanon that Hela is actually Loki's mother. Just thought I'd put my two cents in lol.
> 
> Also I feel like I may end up writing a whole fic about what Freydis and Hela have been up to. They would be cool to write together


	15. To be in your arms again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter because I wanted to finally get the reunion

**Loki**

Loki could not stop staring at his hands.

Guards had arrived and dragged him away from Freydis. He tried to struggle against them but he had no fight left within him.

She was gone.

The final memory of her had finished and her life was completed in his mind. He could now recall all of her with a clarity he had not possessed before. There were no more gaps or false memories lingering in his head. No slimy foreign magic that fought him at every turn. 

He could still recall those lifeless, fake memories if he tried. But now his mind knew that they weren’t real.

There were people around him. They were trying to talk to him. Trying to get him to listen. But he couldn’t hear anything. Couldn’t acknowledge anything that was going on around him.

He could not stop staring at his hands.

At the blood that clung to them.

It should not be there. It was from a memory. Nothing more than an image. Yet he could feel the warm stickiness of it. It refused to leave. No matter how much he tried to block it out he couldn’t.

He was shocked into awareness when someone covered his hands with theirs. When he watched a trail of red stain the fingers of someone other than him. The person began to clean his hands. To wipe away the blood. It took a few minutes for them to remove it all. 

Loki’s eyes shot up to find the face of his brother. He was kneeling in front of him. Loki hadn’t even realised he was on the floor.

What was Thor doing here?

“Loki, can you hear me?” Magnus urged.

He could hear him. Could finally hear something beyond the deafening silence in his head. But he did not know if he could speak. What was there to say anyway? Freydis was gone.

“I don’t know if he can hear me,” Thor said to someone over Loki’s shoulder.

Loki felt something drape around him. A warm blanket. It was a stark difference between his soaked clothes and freezing skin. There was a pressure on the tops of his arms as if someone was rubbing them. A gentle magic swept over him and wicked away the remaining moisture.

“He’s probably in shock.” Frigga said from above him. “We need to give him time.”

“I don’t understand, mother. How could this have happened? How could I have forgotten my own sister-in-law?” Thor asked, his hands were still firmly wrapped around Loki’s. A comforting weight.

“I don’t know.” Frigga came into view to kneel in front of Loki too. “But I think Loki must have found out. This must have been why he’s been so out of sorts lately.”

Frigga turned back to Loki and cradled his face in her hands. “It’s okay Loki. Can you hear me? It’s okay now.”

Loki shook his head.

How was any of this okay?

How would anything ever be okay again?

Freydis was dead and the killer had gotten away with it. Freydis was gone. Gone. Gone.

“She’s gone.” Loki’s voice cracked. His eyes were glassy with tears.

Frigga smiled at him and shook her head. “No, darling, she’s not gone.”

What did she mean? Of course she was gone. He had seen it. He had to watch as Freydis was torn from this world.

“She’s alive, Loki. Freydis is alive.” Thor implored.

Alive.

Alive.

Alive.

Loki’s heartbeat skyrocketed. That tiny spark of hope from before was fanned into a flame. It spread through all of him melting the ice in his heart. He gasped as it rocked through his body.

He could not be speaking the truth. There was no way she could be alive. “She can’t. The blood. She’s gone.”

He had held her 50 years ago. Held her as she died in his arms. 

Or had he? 

Freydis had still been breathing when she disappeared. Had called out his name. Freydis was still alive when the spell tore her away. Loki sucked in a sharp breath when he realised.

“The guards found you in the garden,” Thor explained “They found you holding her. She was heavily wounded but one of them was trained in healing magic. They managed to heal her enough to bring her to the infirmary.”

Thor squeezed Loki’s hands. “She’s alive, Loki.”

A sob bubbled up Loki’s throat before he could stop it. He was immediately consumed with the need to move. To see her. He had never wanted anything more. His limbs shook terribly. They almost gave out below him but Thor and Frigga were there to support him.

“I need to see her. I need to see her. Let me see her.” Loki cried.

“You need to take it slow, Loki.” Frigga warned. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

He didn’t care. He didn’t care about himself, he just needed to see Freydis. Needed to see her with his own two eyes.

Frigga and Thor must have seen the determination in his eyes because they didn’t stop him. They each took an arm and led him towards the infirmary. 

The palace was alive around him. Even though it was the dead of night, everyone seemed to be up. As if something had shocked them all awake. Loki ignored them all and concentrated on putting one step in front of the other.

The healing rooms were the most hectic. It was positively swarming with healers though not all of them were on duty. A lot of them were in their night clothes. As if they had run here straight from their beds. Nearly all of them had tears in their eyes.

They parted as soon as they saw Loki. It created a path straight towards one of the beds. Straight towards-

Loki’s legs collapsed below him. He didn’t even acknowledge the others present. All he saw was her. All he saw was Freydis. Her pale skin and blue eyes. The exhausted tired smile and the tears on her cheek. He saw the hand as she reached out for him once more.

“Freydis,” He said her name like a prayer. Hoping beyond hope that this was real. That this wasn’t some sick trick.

“Loki,” she whispered. 

The sound of her voice sent a shock through him. Hands helped him to his feet and Loki surged towards her. No one stopped him. 

He was almost scared to touch her to reach out. This moment would make or break him. If she were truly an imprint then she would have no solid form. His hand would go straight through her.

Freydis saw the fear and hesitation in his eyes and reached for him first. Her hands wrapped around his own. Warm and real and tangible. 

“You found me, Loki. I’m here because of you,” Freydis blinked tears out of her eyes.

He’d found her. She was here. She was alive. Loki had found her.

He’d spent the last several weeks searching for her. And here she was whole and safe and alive. The piercing emptiness that had made its home within him was being driven away. It was Freydis that took its place.

Loki finally gave in to the tears and leaned down to hold his wife.


	16. Time catches up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're finally at the last chapter. I had no idea how to really end this so I hope I didn't do a too bad job x

It took several days before Freydis was allowed out of the infirmary. Eir refused to let her go until she was certain that she was well enough. It took quite a lot to heal that injury. A wound caused by an infinity stone is always cause for concern. Even one less harmful, like the mind stone. Though less harmful was laughable after the amount of pain that stone had wrought on his and everyone's minds. But in comparison to the might of the other’s this stone was concerned less harmful.

It took three healers working tirelessly for over an hour, pouring their magic into the wound in hope that they could seal it back up again. There had been times when they thought they would lose her. That she had lost too much blood and would slip away again just as they had gotten her back. 

That little fact they waited to tell Loki until they were sure he wouldn’t collapse. While he was thankful that they did, he was also frustrated with how fragile he had become of these past few months.

But Freydis was strong. Despite everything that she had been through she clung on with everything she had. Desperate to remain here, with him.

They let Loki stay with her the whole time she was in there. Eir even made the bed larger. As long as he did not jostle her wound she permitted him to lie with her. So for those days she was stuck in the infirmary he was right there next to her, holding her in his arms. 

He would never let her go again.

They found out that Dyr had escaped before anyone could find him. Ran away to some dark corner to hide from what he’d done. A deep rooted rage had begun to permeate through Loki when he found out. But he tried not to let it consume him. Dyr would not get away with what he did. He would pay with his life and Loki would make sure it hurt.

For the first few days, Freydis was mostly asleep. Her magic was returning to her slowly. It took a great deal for her body to rematerialise in this plane of existence. Enough that her healing was slowed down greatly. But surely enough it was returning. After the third day she stayed awake for most of the day.

There was a heavy tiredness in her eyes, yet they held such warmth and love. Love for him. She looked at him like the man he had once been. The one that she fell for in the first place. It was enough to draw him up short. To make his breath catch in his throat.

Loki felt a sharp pain in his chest. He could not stand to look into her eyes for too long. Because he wasn’t the same man that she knew. So much had changed in 50 years. He had done such horrid things. Unforgivable things. She would not be looking at him like that if she knew what he had done.

No, he was not the man she knew. 

A hand came up to his cheek and guided his face back to hers. Back to those beautiful blue eyes. The same colour as her magic. They still hurt to look at and now there was concern swimming in them. She lay next to him with her wavy hair fanned out across the pillow.

“Why won’t you look at me, Loki?” Freydis’s voice was tight and barely above a whisper.

“I am looking at you,” he said, making sure to truly look into her eyes.

Freydis looked away from him, suddenly uncertain. “I...I am still me. I know it’s hard to believe but-”

“-Oh Freydis, I know that.” he said cupping her cheek. She thought that he was struggling because of her. When that was far from the truth. “You are my Freydis there is no denying that.”

“Then why?”

Loki paused before forging on ahead. Even though there was a part of him that was screaming at him to lie. To keep her in the dark so that she would not leave him once she knew how monstrous he had become. But he knew that he could never do that. Not to her. Not to his wife.

“Because I’m not  _ your  _ Loki.” he sighed deeply. “Not anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time.”

Freydis’s eyebrows furrowed. “Of course you are.”

Loki closed his eyes so that he did not have to see the heartbreak in hers. “I’m not.” he sighed down his nose. “You look at me like nothing has changed. Like I’m still deserving of your love but I’ve done horrible things. I’ve hurt so many.”

Loki was surprised when her hand came to rest back on his cheek. It made his eyes shoot open. He was not greeted with concern or fear but a soft, reassuring smile and understanding.

“Oh Loki, I already know,”

“You do? But how?”

How could she already know what he had done? Had someone already told her? But when and  _ why _ ? 

Freydis looked away, a little sheepish “I was there.” she whispered.

It felt like all the air had left him. “What...what do you mean?”

“I wasn’t alive but I wasn’t dead either” she explained “I was caught between this world and Helheim. It meant that I could still see this world even if they couldn’t see me.” Freydis’s voice dropped until it was barely above a breath. “I stayed with you through all of it. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

Loki could barely think, could hardly comprehend. She had been by his side all this time. Even when he had fallen further than he thought anyone could, she had been there. Freydis had seen him at his lowest and she was still looking at him like he deserved her love.

Loki let out a shuddery breath and a single tear fell from the corner of his eye. Freydis did not hesitate to wipe it away. Then she leaned in as much as her wound allowed her and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

“I love you, Loki,” she said.

“I love you too, Freydis.  _ So _ much,”

Freydis’s smile grew. Only for her eyes to widen and her mouth to drop open in the next seconds. “By the norns, I forgot I had to tell you something. I learned something in Helheim that-”

A loud commotion near the entrance of their private room cut her off before she could continue. It made Loki want to curse whoever was outside. He nearly flinched when that thought crossed his mind as his magic was still locked up tight. 

And when the person responsible for it barged through the door without even knocking, a wave of fury swept over him. Loki was on his feet in a second and moved to stand in front of the bed. He did not know why Odin was here but he was not going to let him anywhere near Freydis.

Loki could not read the look on Odin’s face. It was blank and controlled but there was something hidden amongst the surface.

Odin took a step forward. “Loki I-”

“Don’t!” The word was almost growled and it came from behind him.

Loki half turned to find Freydis sitting up. A hand was laid across her middle to support her wound. But her eyes were fire and her teeth were gritted.

“Freydis you need to lie down, you’ll reopen the wound.” Loki said

But she just continued to glare daggers at Odin. Something that Allfather was not used to receiving if the look of shock on his face was anything to go by.

“Don’t come any closer. I know what you did to him Odin, I was there!”

To his credit, Odin did not stumble back but something in his eyes told Loki that he nearly did. 

“Freydis, I am not here to harm but rather to mend. I seek to restore what I have taken. It seems that I was too rash in my punishments and should have waited to see the bigger picture.” Odin replied calmly.

Loki had to grip the frame of the bed to remain upright. Odin was here to mend. He was going to give him back his magic. It was embarrassing how much relief swept through his body. It sickened him how much he was at the mercy of this man.

“You say ‘rash’ as if you have never done something like this before. As if you have never hurt your own children because of your twisted sense of justice.” Odin looked like he wanted to rebuke her words but she carried on before he could speak up. “I saw what you did to Thor. I’ve seen what you’ve done to Loki and I know what you did to _Hela_.”

Hela? He recalled that name. From the few snippets of memories of Odin from thousands of years ago. He remembered the way that Odin had declared to Lord Anders that no one would remember her. Odin had trapped her in another realm. 

And Freydis had thrown her name in amongst his and Thor’s. As if she were another child of Odin’s. But that couldn’t be possible.

Odin became as pale as a ghost and truly did stumble back this time.

“How? How do you know of that name?” Odin’s voice had lost all of its regality and sureness. In its place was unfiltered fear.

Loki gaped at the man. He had never seen him act this way before.

“I’ve spent the last 50 years drifting between here and Helheim. As it turned out, Hela was the only person I could talk to. So we got to know each other rather well.  _ Your daughter _ told me a great many things.” Freydis said.

Daughter?! So Odin  _ did  _ have another child. 

Odin’s sagged and it looked like the weight of the world had fallen onto him. “You cannot listen to what she says. She’s a deceiver.”

“And you aren’t?”

Loki’s eyes widened. He had never heard anyone speak to Odin the way she was. No one but him anyway. Loki spread his arms across the footboard of the bed as another kind of barrier between her and Odin. he did not know how he would react to her words.

“There is one thing that I know for certain that she wasn’t lying about.” she said.

Odin closed his eyes for a brief moment. As if resigned to his fate. “And what is that?”

Freydis hesitated and it made Loki turn back towards her. She turned from Odin to look at Loki. She had a strange look in her eye as if she were trying to convey something to him but he could not garner her meaning. 

She turned back to Odin. “Did you ever find out who Loki’s biological mother was?”

Loki started. It did not know where this was coming from.

“What?” Odin sounded just as thrown off by the conversation change. “He was the son of Laufey and his wife Farbauti.”

“Yes, he is Laufey’s son but Farbauti is not his mother.”

Loki span towards her, shock covering every one of his features. “What do you mean?”

Freydis gave him a small smile “I didn’t want to tell you like this but…” she sighed before turning back to Odin. “You said that Loki was small for a giant's offspring but did you ever question  _ why _ he was?”

“I..I assumed he was a runt.” Odin said, now completely unsure of himself.

“No. He was small because he is only half jotun. Like me. He’s half jotun…and half Aesir.”

He was half Aesir? But how?

“Hela was pregnant when you cast her into Helheim.” Freydis said.

This Hela was his mother. Hela  _ Odinsdottir _ ! But that means-

“You’re my grandfather.” He breathed. His legs threatened to buckle under him. Loki gripped the footboard in a bid to keep standing. 

Odin was his real grandfather. He truly was related to the man after all. Which meant that he was royalty by blood and not merely by adoption. He was always meant to be a Prince of Asgard. Loki could not even begin to comprehend the insane clash of emotions that shot through him. He didn’t know whether to cry or burst out laughing. 

This also means that he was related to Thor too. Thor was his  _ uncle _ ?! Now that definitely made him want to laugh.

Odin appeared to pale even further. He looked towards Loki as if he were truly seeing him for the first. His eyes roved across Loki’s face, searching for something. Loki wanted to turn away from his scrutiny but he would not allow himself to back down. When Odin seemed to find what he was looking for, he gasped.

“It’s true! How could I not have seen?” Odin shook his head. Somehow looking older than he had ever done. He looked at both Loki and Freydis with an unfathomable anguish in his eyes. “You have given me much to think about. I will do what I came here for but then I must leave. I need...I need to think.”

So Odin removed the bindings put there by his own hands. The manacles on his wrists broke with a resounding crack and fell to the floor. Loki was thrown off his feet by the strength of his magic’s return. All of it, every last drop, became available to him. Nothing was locked away from him anymore. He felt like he could truly breathe for the first time in a year. 

“I am sorry, Loki.” Odin said.

Loki felt his magic wrap around him in a protective barrier. An unconscious reaction towards the man who had stolen it away. So Loki refused to look at him. He would not accept his poor excuse of an apology after what he had done to him. His  _ grandfather  _ would have to work a lot harder than that if he ever wanted to gain loki’s favour back. Which he doubted he would ever do.

Odin left the room, dejected. And Loki was left reeling from all he had learned.

He turned towards Freydis-who had slumped back onto the bed now, evidently exhausted- with a bemused look.

“Do you have any other cataclysmic secrets from your time in Helheim?”

Freydis smiled weakly at him but he could still detect a mischievous edge to it. He couldn’t help but respond in kind.

* * *

A few days after Odin’s visit, Thor sought him out. He said that he needed to speak with Loki urgently.

“I would have come sooner but I knew that you needed some time,” Thor said.

_ How strangely astute of him.  _ Loki would have that that Thor would have barged in if it was truly so urgent. Apparently his brother had experienced some kind of emotional growth.

Loki turned back towards the room Freydis was in. The door was open and he could see a teary eyed Lord Eirick holding his daughter. The man had woken up several realms away suddenly remembering that he had a daughter. It had taken nearly a week but Eirick had found his way back to Asgard and demanded that he see his daughter. Thankfully, with how chaotic everything was, no one had thought to question how he had arrived here without the Bifrost.

Loki felt a warmth spread through him when he looked at the two of them. He was so glad that Freydis had gotten her father back.

Loki turned back to Thor. “Her father is here so I can probably spare a minute or two.”

Thor grinned and bid him to follow. He led him back through the palace and Loki did not know where he was leading him.

“I hear I am to call you nephew,” Thor grinned widely at him.

“Don’t you dare!” Loki groaned.

Thor laughed uproariously and clapped Loki on the back. “But it suits you so well, dear nephew.”

Loki shook the hand off him but his mouth betrayed him and smiled at Thor.

“I’m surprised you’re taking it so well”

Loki assumed that Thor would not be happy to find out that he wasn’t the first born. That Odin had lied to them all.  _ Again _ .

Thor cringed slightly, his nose bunching up. “Well I may not have taken it so well the first time I heard it. I may or may not have accidentally set a grove on fire with my lightning. But the mages put out quickly though so nothing was too badly burnt”

Yes that definitely sounded more like Thor.

“I am angry with Father for keeping this from us. But now that I’ve had time to dwell on this I realised that I am also happy. Because this means that we are truly family. In every sense of the word.” said Thor, his face sincere. 

“There’s no denying it now. You can’t get rid of me” Thor shouldered him playfully

That thought made Loki happy too. A sentimental smile spread across his face before he could stop it.

When Thor began to lead them towards the dungeons, Loki drew up short. For one appalling second he thought that Thor was bringing  _ him _ to the dungeons. That this was all a ruse to lock him away.

But he knew that was not the case. He had to physically shake his head to get the thought to disappear. Thankfully, Thor did not notice. 

His muscles were taut as a bowstring as he descended into the depths of the palace. Last time he was this far into the palace catacombs his life had shattered around him. Now at least he was returning with some of the pieces fitting back together.

“Thor what are we doing here?” Loki asked as they climbed down the last step. 

All around him were glaringly white cells fitted with magical doors. Loki tried not to look at them too closely as they were reminiscent of the barriers Odin had used to lock him in. He did not need a reminder of the pain they had caused him.

“When I came to your rooms to find you so injured I was enraged. When mother told me that it was Tyr’s son who did it to you I did not know what to think. Father tried to tell me that you were the one at fault but I couldn’t understand it. You’ve spent over a year back here and not once did you try to harm anyone. You also would not be so brazen if you were to threaten Father. You would do something a lot more subtle and clever than a magical bomb and I doubt any of us would have found it until it was too late.”

“Thank you?” Loki said cautiously.

He did actually preen a little at the words. At least someone acknowledged his cleverness. The fact that Odin believed he would plant something as obvious as a bomb was an insult in and of itself. And anyway the “bomb” turned out to be nothing but an empty shell filled with ominous-yet harmless- feeling magic.

Thor smiled at him. “So then I thought that something was afoot. You would not have attacked Dyr for no reason no matter what everyone thinks. And considering how injured you both were, I figured that the reason must be grave. Even after everything that has happened between us I still trust your judgement over Dyr’s. So I sought him out and dragged him down here before anyone else found out.”

“You what?! Dyr is here?” 

He had been so incredibly angry when he thought that Dyr had slipped through his grasp. That he would get away with killing his wife.

“I hid him in one of the older cells towards the back so that guards wouldn’t see him. I wanted to question him myself without anyone interfering.” Thor said “It’s probably a good thing that I captured him when I did because he would have undoubtedly tried to escape once everyone’s memories came back.”

Loki shocked Thor with a sudden embrace. Thor gave a surprised noise as the force of it rocked the two of them. But he did not hesitate to return the hug.

“Thank you,” Loki said genuinely this time.

Thor had done this for him. He had not asked him. He had just seen that Loki was hurt and sought out the monster who did it. Like a true older brother. If Thor had not done it when he did, that bastard could have been anywhere. Loki may never have gotten his revenge. But now-

Loki backed out of the embrace. “Where is he?” his voice now possessed a more deadly tone.

Dyr looked positively pathetic in the corner of the cell. Something that Loki relished in. He was still beaten and bruised from where Loki had attacked him. And he also seemed to be sporting a few new wounds. Courtesy of Thor.

Loki walked right up to the door of the cell and leered down at him. Dyr curled tighter into a ball. 

“Get away from me!” he spat through gritted teeth. A few drops of blood flew out from between his teeth. 

He was like a caged beast. All the self righteousness had disappeared and in its place was overwhelming anger and  _ fear.  _ Fear because he knew what was coming to him. He knew what he deserved. 

And what he deserved was not a quick death. It was to feel all the pain that Loki and Freydis had suffered at his hands and then some.

But Loki would not kill him. Despite how much longed for it or how much his hands twitched, begging for a dagger. No, he would not be the one to end Dyr's miserable excuse of a life. Because it was not his death to take. It was Freydis’s. When she is fully healed it will be her decision for what happens to him.

But she was healed quite yet. So until then-

Loki smirked menacingly down at Dyr. “I thought we could have some fun.” 


End file.
